OTHER NEWS

Insufficient funds mean big shortcomings for Olympics

By Siavash Emamzadeh

he construction of venues will be To but expect some major changes to plans for the 2010 Vancouver Olympics. Mayor Gregor Robertson announced that despite a hefty loan from the provincial government, costs for the Olympics exceed the available budget. Given that there was no financial assistance in the allotted time, the city had to turn to an emergency plan. “Since the federal government didn’t fork over the dough, I had to sit down and think of a plan B,” said Robertson. “First of all, let me

make it clear that if that weasel Harper snubs us again, say for a Summer Olympics, I’m putting in my vote for British Columbian sovereignty. Secondly, I’ve decided to use the money we have now for necessities and cut back on trivial facets of the events.”

Trivial facets such as event security and food availability are examples of aspects that will see change. Police officers will be replaced by mall security from shopping centers in BC and Alberta. They will be equipped with lethal snowballs that have rocks in the middle and will wear balaclavas to blend in and be discreet.

On the slopes, instead of snowmobiles and skiing equipment, they will get around using

second hand sleds. The circumstances of uphill and platform pursuits were too expensive to account for.

“It’s like, so cool,” said 19-year-old mall security guard, Tim Treston. “This totally rocks; I get to miss school because I conned my prof. I’m like, ‘Yo, bro, this is for work experience, so I can’t make it to class.””

Attempting to retract his comments, he then said, “Hey, um, is this gonna be online? ‘Cause I was just kidding.”

Furthermore, spectators are encouraged to bring their own beverages.

The province’s premier, Gordon Campbell, offered to bring drinks for the festivities, saying,

“I couldn’t help but feel sorry for our beloved Vancouver, so I’ll be more than glad to supply the liquor—and I nominate myself to be the bartender.”

Mayor Robertson also proposed some big changes to the participating sports. For example, curling stones will be replaced by small marbles and in luge, the luges will be replaced by tires. Furthermore, in most cases, foam rubber will replace snow.

Already, more than half the athletes have withdrawn due to the circumstances, calling it a “disgrace.” In addition, Vancouver has been banned from ever hosting the Olympics or any major sporting events in the future.

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