humour // no. 22 theotherpress.ca

Trudeau calls for freedom of Hans Island

> Canadian island to be freed from Danish control

Greg Waldock Staff Writer

arly in the morning of March 1,

Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau declared a militarized liberation movement to free Hans Island, which has been illegally ruled with an iron fist by the Danish government since a few months ago. The island, a single square kilometer rock between Greenland and Ellesmere Island, has been the source of conflict between the two countries since the 1970s. The announcement came after a Canadian naval captain in the area spotted Danish salted liquorish scattered on the ground the night before, and declared it an affront to Canadian sovereignty.

There is a long history of Canadian- Danish conflict in that area. Hostilities over the territory began when a team of Canadian and Danish cartographers mapped the region in 1973 fora border treaty. The island was claimed by both nations, then immediately forgotten during the actual drawing of the border. It wasn't until 1984, more than a decade later, that an anonymous Canadian hero was spotted wearing a hat that declared Hans Island to bea part of the then- Northwest Territories. A few weeks later, a Canadian oil company snuck onto the island and began drilling before being

chased away by annoyed Danes. The Danish government retaliated with what Trudeau now calls the “first war crime in the bitter Hans Island conflict:” On June 7, 1984, the minister for Greenland himself, Tom Heyem the Terrible, personally planted a Danish flag on the island and left behind a taunting bottle of inferior Scandinavian brandy. The Canadian response was swift and aggressive. The Royal Canadian Navy immediately sent in a crack squad of four sailors who drank the brandy,

New film laws

> Decided by an international panel of dedicated film fans

Rebecca Peterson Humour Editor

he United Nations’ Film and

Television Council recently met to decide upon a new set of laws for all films and TV series to adhere to, with the strict understanding that should any of these laws be broken, those responsible can be fined up to $1,000,000,000, or sentenced to life in prison.

The laws in question are as follows:

1. Pets are no longer allowed

to be killed in movies under

any circumstances.

A pet's death by old age or illness, while still tragic, is still lawful as long as it passes through the Investigative Board to Prevent Unnecessary Sadness. However, pets are no longer allowed to have their lives cut short by natural disasters or the actions of humans, under any circumstances.

2. If women are shamelessly objectified in a film, men must also be shamelessly objectified in the same film, to the same extent.

Many men take this to mean long, lingering shots of a fully-clothed male character with lines and a backstory flexing his arms. This is not what we mean. If you are showing women without lines in your movie in tiny bikinis giggling and posing in the back of a shot, you must also have an equal amount of

silent men in tiny speedos giggling and posing at some point during the film.

(We would also like more shots of fully-clothed female characters with lines and backstories flexing their arms. These do not need to be balanced out by similar shots of men.)

3- Ifa movie is longer than three hours, there must be a middle portion that can be slept through without impacting the story.

It has officially been deemed inhumane to expect a movie-goer to sit in a dark theater in a padded seat for over 180 minutes without allowing any time

for a quick nap. Middling portions of unnecessary expositional dialogue or subplot must be at least 15 minutes long— but no longer than 30 minutes total. It is unlawful to include these unnecessary scenes in movies under 175 minutes, and any movie found padding their runtime illegally will be publicly set alight.

4. A movie is allowed one ending only. Known as the “Return of the King” regulation, a movie can only have one logical ending. This is to prevent the

captured the Danish flag, and replaced it with a Canadian one, as well as a bottle of their finest Canadian Club. The first injury of the conflict was to Lieutenant Dave Mackenzie, who drank most of

the brandy and tipped his canoe twice before reaching shore. He was awarded the highest military honours and a litre of cold water. The flag-planting and alcohol-drinking would go back and forth for the next two decades, only ceasing in 2005, when another border was drawn up and all involved politicians

mental trauma of thinking a movie is over, only for it to continue past a soft fade-to-black end-card. After-credits scenes are lawful so long as they are not vital to the overall story arc of the film.

5. Filmmakers who white-wash characters of colour must explain

to a diverse audience why they

didn’t want to hire a person

of colour to play the part.

This same law applies to filmmakers who cast cisgender actors to play transgender characters, and able-bodied actors to play disabled characters. After doing this, the filmmakers must then reconsider their casting choices, and cast appropriate actors to play appropriate characters.

6. Romance movies are no longer

to be referred to as “chick flicks,” and it is unlawful to shame

those who enjoy them.

This law comes with an added clause that romance movies are categorized as movies featuring an ultimately healthy and supportive relationship. If a movie

forgot about Hans Island again. The Danish Navy quietly planted a flag and the small barren island has been under their tyrannical rule ever since. Ina statement to the Associated Press, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau proclaimed that he “will be the first prime minister to finally reclaim the island for the Canadian people, and put an end to this conflict.” He also stated that the Glorious Liberation will involve as many soldiers as the island can hold, which is about 12.

wishes to fall within the “romance” genre, it must first be reviewed bya relationship counselor, a psychologist, and a licensed sex educator.

7. Starting in 2018, there is a ten- year ban on using the death or traumatic experience of awoman to propel a man’s storyline. Filmmakers will be allowed to have that trope back when they learn

to use it properly, instead of as a lazy, misogynistic plot device.

8. Oscar-nominated movies

must have a plot.

It is also recommended that the dialogue be clear, concise, and interesting, and not feature the senseless ramblings of an actor chewing the scenery while dodging allegations

of sexual assault charges off-set.

g. Every single movie made from 2017 onwards must include a Wilhelm scream. It is the law.

Image via medium.com

Image via flickr