March 11, 1992

the Other Press

7

ZAaiBeing Lost in the Middlet{xxz2

I remember back in grade eight when the big bully boys use to push me against the lockers and ask “ Are you gay, huh? Do you like boys? “ ” Well yes, but I like girls too,” I answered. ” So, are you bi- sexual?” I didn’t know why they were asking me these questions, nor did I know what they meant. Just because I had feminine traits, I was picked outby the bullys. I wasn’tlike them and I wasn’t socialized to act like a ” real boy “.

I didn’t know what being gay

meant. knew whens es

I also knew that I was attract boys and that meant that was” gay, homo, homosexrfal:“SoI went to the library and started reading. Thebooks said that it means men who are only attracted to men and that it was “in- curable.” Oh no, that means I can’t have girlfriends and I will be like this all my life. But Ididn’t want tobe gay and the books said that I couldn't it. I didn’t mind being attracted to boys. In fact I really enjoyed it. What was bugging me is that I

Dear Son,

part, too.

Take Care. Lovingly, Mom, xxxooo

couldn’ tbe with girls. I was attracted to girls, but I wasn’t sure. Maybe | was denying my homosexuality be- cause of the fear of persecution. Maybe I was bisexual. But I didn’t know about bisexuality. The books didn’t talk about it. They said that youare either heterosexual or homo- sexual.

Every time I had acrushona girl, | would question it. “ Oh good, this means | am straight.” But! knew I wasn’t straight. Every time I had a crush on boy, I’d question it again. ” Oh no, this means I am gay.” So I avoided both genders for the fear being defined. if decided either way, that is what I would be.

As time went on, bisexuality became more talked about and ac- cepted. I found myself being com- fortable with that label because it mean not having to decide. But to- day, bisexuality is still not accepted bya large portion of the gay commu- nity. Some of my gay friends tell me “ don’t kid yourself and get of the fence.”

Straights can’t understand why I am attracted to men and gays can't understand how I can be at- tracted to both genders. But that's way it is and I can’t change that! I can’ tassociate myself with thestraight community and never will. I find myself more associated by the gay community because I am challeging the norm of sexuality. But! don’t feel fully accepted by the gay commu- nity.

I don’t mind being defined as “gay” because lam attracted tomen. But I would be kidding myself if I

‘denyed my attraction for women. |

find myself having to choose the bi- sexual label to let women know Iam available.

[hate these rigid defenitions. We fall into the traps of a sexist soci- ety defining our gender roles and whowecan beattracted to. Thenorm dictates that you can’t be attracted to the same gender. Thatis sexist. But, if you are told that you can’t be at- tracted to both genders, isn’t that sexist too?

I just wanted to drop you a line to say once again how happy I am that you came home to see us and share yourself with us. Few things in life have made me so happy and left me feeling such a deep sense of peace. My mind might be whirring like a buzz saw; this however seems to be its natural state when I am trying to learn and understand something very important to me, but the difference is my heart is at peace. I truly feel that your inner contentment rubbed off and in some special way transferred itself in part to us. I know I have told you I love you, Son, but have I also said how proud I am of you? My admira- tion, respect, and pride has increased even more so since you stepped “out of the shadows” and allowed not only yourself to know you, as you are, but shared who you are with us. I’m so very proud of you! And so very grateful!

I have gone back to reading the book you left here. But as I re-read it Son, there is a part of me that questions the necessity for such an endeavor. Perhaps I can explain what I mean. Your telling me you’re gay I do not see as your confid- ing you have some illness—some genetic defect such as cerebral palsy, for instance—and as such I must search out information to understand the why’s and wherefore’s of such a “condition.” I must admit I do not understand the why’s behind many states of “being” in which people find themselves. Like with my Mother, for instance. I know she had a mental illness which was as much a part of

her as her inclination towards kindness. I have a certain grasp of what “experts” think causes schizophrenia, but despite all their theorizing and scientific data, for me, as someone who loved her, the needing to understand intellectually, was transcended by the need to understand how her life was coloured and experi- enced by the totality of herself. I’m not using my Mother as an example because I think homosexuality is a mental illness, Son, so I hope you don’t take it that way. It merely is to share with you that, for me at least, it is more important to get past the data and theories, and on to the real “stuff” of life. The why’s of one's sexual orientation pale in comparison to the societal consequences whether one be gay, bi-sexual, or for that matter heterosexual. What I find upsetting is how, before your self disclosure, I, like countless numbers never gave deep or serious consideration to the struggle gays face in order to just live everyday, ordinary lives. And now my Son, whom I love dearly, is amongst those numbers who struggle against the prejudice, fear and ignorance of those who would deny you your right to be yourself. What I fear more than anything, Son, is that I lack the strength: physical, mental and emotional, to stand beside you in the struggle to overcome the obstacles. I hope that over time I will be able to draw from your strength and the strength of your friends and find that within myself there is, as yet, an undiscovered, untapped well of strength hidden deep within myself. I also realize that I must be patient with myself. This is all so new. And like most important, meaningful things in life it is not an event; but a process. Anyway, Son, I hope you can bear with me and if I’m appearing to ramble, it is only my natural inclination (ha! ha!) and may require some patience on your

So moving on, your sister and I are looking forward to coming down to see you soon. We would like very much to see your place, meet your friends, if you’re comfortable with that, and have you take us to that coffee place. Any how, keep us informed as to your schedule and hopefully we can arrange a good time for our visit.

I hope all is well with you, Son. So, sweetheart, happy Valentine’s Day.

If we can Overcome our sex- ism over oursexual preferences, then these labels would become redun- dant. I would prefer to define myself as gay because lam attracted tomen, as long as it isn’t limiting my attrac- tion to women. I really don’t think the bisexual label would be neces- sary ifthetermsgayand lesbian were

not exclusive as defined by society. Until this change, the term bisexual has to be used to define those in my situation. Being lost in the middle and not knowing what to do is phsycologically harmful. Bi- sexuality has to be accepted asa fact by the gay community and society in general before we can progress.

Recent Developments Relating to Queers

by Jeff Harrington

OTTAWA(CUP)— For six years, the Conservative government has been promising to amend the Canadian Human Rights Act to prohibit discrimi- nation on the basis of sexual orientation. While a cabal of PC backbenchers block reform, the decision to proceed rests with Prime Minister Brian Mulroney. ;

A timeline of recent developments regarding sexual orientation:

Oct. 25, 1985 — The all-party Parliamentary Committee on Equality Rights recommends a) the Canadian Human Rights Act (CHRA) be amended to add sexual orientation as a prohibited ground of discrimination... b) the Canadian Armed Forces oe the RCMP bring their employment practices into conformity with the CHRA as amended...

Mar. 4, 1986 — Justice Minister John Crosbie says the government will take “whatever measures are necessary to prohibit discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation in relation to all areas of federal jurisdiction.” September 1986 — A defence department report in response to the govern- ment’s intentions concludes “the presence of homosexuals in the Canadian Forces would be detrimental to cohesion and morale, disci pline, leadership, recruiting, medical fitness, and the rights to privacy of other members.”

November 1989 — A review of the DND report by Carleton University psychology professor Connie Kristiansen concludes that its theoretical, methodological and statistical shortcomings suggest its conclusions have “little, if any, scientific validity.” Kristiansen writes the report “appears to be an effort to justify continued discrimination against homosexuals.”

May 29, 1990 — Chief of Defence Staff John de Chastelain says homosexu- als will be treated the same as heterosexuals until sexual orientation policy reviewed.

Aug. 10, 1990 — In an external review of the armed forces’ Special Investigation Unit (SIU), the Honourable Rene J. Marin concludes “there is no reason whatsoever to single out homosexuality, or any other form of sexuality, as a matter for attention by the SIU,” and recommends the unit’s mandate be changed to stop the weeding out of lesbians and gay men.

Aug. 15, 1990 — The Security Intelligence Review Committee rules the military policy against employing lesbians and gay men violates the equality guarantees in the Charter of Rights and is “of no force and effect.” The committee says former Lieutenant Michelle Douglas, who graduated at the top of her basic training class, should be reinstated. The Federal Court of Appeal rules the committee’s recommendations are binding on the govern- ment. The government appeals— the case should come before the Supreme Court of Canada in June 1992.

December 1990 — Federal government convenes human rights conference without inviting one lesbian or gay association.

February 1991 — Justice Minister Kim Campbell says she'll introduce a package of amendments to the Human Rights Act in Spring 1991.

Sept. 25, 1991 — Ontario Judge Joseph McDonald rules the Canadian Human Rights Act is unconstitutional because it contravenes Section 15 of the Charter of Rights, which states “every individual is equal before the law and has the right to the equal protection and equal benefit of the law without discrimination...” The government appeals the decision.

Oct. 10, 1991 — Media announce in advance that the Canadian Armed Forces will no longer prevent lesbians and gay men from serving in the military. A last-minute rebellion by backbench PCMPs scraps theannounce- ment.

Dec. 18, 1991 — Max Yalden, chief commissioner of the Canadian Human Rights Commission, tells the Special Joint Committee ona Renewed Canada “itis my view past time that “sexual orientation” be clearly recognized as a proscribed ground ofdiscrimination” in the Charter of Rightsand Freedoms.”

Jan. 24, 1992 — Defence Minister Marcel Masse says the department has agreed to change the discriminatory policy and he has taken the recommendation to cabinet. He says PC backbenchers are still stalling a cabinet decision.

* Manitoba, Yukon, the Northwest Territories, Quebec and Ontario now prohibit discrimination on the basis of sexual discrimination. In September 1990, the Nova Scotia Human Rights Commission declared it would inter- pret the province’s human rights act to prohibit discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, after the government twice refused to change the law. Newly-elected NDP governments in Saskatchewan and British Columbia have pledged to reform their human rights legislation, possibly by this spring.

: The RCMP now takes the position that “homosexuality by itself is not proof of unreliability or a bar to obtaining a security clearance.” RCMP Corporal Andre Guertin said sexual orientationis nota barrier tojoining the RCMP, butaddeditis stilla security concernifsomeone conceals their sexual orientation. “If it’s open, up front, and nobody can use it against you, who cares? It’s like preferring pizza to chicken.”

* The Human Rights section of the Department of Justice is currently conducting an overall review of the Canadian Human Rights Act. A department source said Justice Minister Kim Campbell wants to introduce amendments to the Act this spring, but her press assistant said that “isa little premature,” adding that her desire for broad consultation includes discus- sion with the Tory caucus.