humour // no. 22 theotherpress.ca

US Senate to impeach Trump

> New head of state ‘a very good boy’

Mercedes Deutscher News Editor

he US Senate voted in a nearly unanimous 99-1 vote to remove President Donald Trump from office on Monday, after Trump was found to be guilty of attempting to drown an entire litter of puppies in 2005. The appalling scandal came forth during the 2016 election, when Trump was quoted to have said: “Grab them by the pussy.” While the public was initially led to believe that this was about Trump sexually assaulting a woman, it was later revealed that Trump had been instructing his staff to seize a box of

puppies that had been nearby a sitting cat.

After a short term of presidential action that included removing funding from scientists, placing gross restrictions on immigration, and planning the construction of a wall on the border of the United States and Mexico, it was a scandal involving harming infant canines—which Twitter has dubbed #PuppyGate—that proved to be the last straw for the American public and the previously supportive Republican government.

Only the Republican senator from Washington state remained in support of Trump after the extent of the crime had come to light.

“I’ve always been more of a cat person anyways,’ Senator Brendan Schoonmaker told reporters after the impeachment vote had taken place.

With Trump ousted, the American public was distraught on what a government under Vice- President Mike Pence would look like. However, neither Pence nor any of the successors to the presidency could be found to take an oath of office.

Thankfully, a Pembroke Welsh Corgi by the name of Cooper had found its way into the Senate. After rolling over and shaking paws with nearly every senator in the building, it was proposed that Cooper be nominated for the vacant presidency.

It was decided in another 99-1 vote that Cooper would become the 46th President of the United States of America, only opposed by Schoonmaker because he could not let love and joy into his heart.

“Arf arf woof,” said Cooper in his inaugural address, which roughly translated to, “It is my absolute honour to stand before you as President of this nation.”

“The American public has not had it easy these past few months,” Cooper’s impassioned and though provoking speech continued. “It was not easy for the women of this nation, who have felt so wronged by an administration meant to protect them that they have felt it necessary to march for equality

and freedom. It has not been easy for our

Muslim brothers and sisters, who have faced some of the most undemocratic and appalling discrimination since the dark days of World War II”

“The previous administration has created an America that is divided and afraid. I ask of you, fret not. For we were once a nation that took care of our neighbours and played fetch with our friends, before a choice

between a ball and a stick pitted us against each other. Let us not take from each other, but only throw.”

In his first day in office, President Cooper signed an executive action that guarantees free vet access and pet insurance to all citizens.

Although still early in his administration, much of the public has lovingly dubbed their new president as “Good Boy.”

Mind reader inundated with pornographic images during boring lecture

> Doesn't mind the subject matter so much, just wishes for some variety

Rebecca Peterson Humour Editor

Awe student who wishes to emain anonymous (and so shall be referred to as “Anonymous Student” in this article) has come forward with a request for fellow classmates: For them to daydream about something other than sex during boring lectures.

“T get it, we're all adults here in the prime of our sexual maturity, or whatever,” said Anonymous Student ina written statement posted online this past weekend. “But it’s getting kind of old is the thing.”

Anonymous Student explained in their missive that they have been telepathic their whole life, and thus have had to contend with the imaginations of others interfering with their waking thoughts ever since they were born.

“Tt wasn't so bad in elementary school,” said Anonymous Student. “] mean, most of what you'd get would be reruns of cartoons that whoever was daydreaming had watched that morning, or those really fantastic self-insert adventure fantasies where the whole school would catch on fire, and that one kid would somehow save everyone and become the town hero. Those have always been my favourite, honestly. Then we got a bit older, and the self-insert fantasies usually had something to do with some

kind of axe murderer breaking into the classroom, and that one nerd kid at the back of the class somehow showing off some previously unknown martial arts skills to kick the guy’s ass—again, becoming the town hero in the process. But everything changed when we all hit puberty; and I mean, everything.”

High school was apparently so bad for sexual content—misinformed, poorly choreographed sexual content— that Anonymous Student would end up leaving school to complete their secondary school curriculum at home.

“Seriously, you could just fell who'd stayed up the night before watching PornHub, or reading slash fanfiction written by straight people,” said Anonymous Student. “At one point I just cracked and shouted ‘Lube exists for a reason, you fools!’ in the middle of chemistry class, and, well. There wasn't any recovering from that, was there?”

Anonymous Student eventually returned to public education after a few rest years in a mysterious monastery for mind-readers, where they learned to block out the majority of their classmate’s thoughts.

“Tt’s more of a running backtrack in my head, now,” said Anonymous Student. “Tt isn’t quite so overwhelming. And people seem to have their shit together a bit more now, sex-wise. Still, it’s mostly just boring. The second that a 15-minute video on sustainable development goes

up on the projector, bam! It’s like, “Let’s all think about our genitals. Or other people’s genitals. Or inflation porn’ Seriously, what the fuck, DeviantArt people? You know who you are.”

Anonymous Student had a few final comments and requests.

“Tm not saying don’t think about sex, guys, it’s your mind to do whatever the hell you want with, but why can’t we get back to some of those great self-insert escapist fantasies? You maladaptive daydreamers with your

entire worlds and alternate universes are fantastic. Dungeon Masters planning campaigns, I love you. Fanfiction writers, at least I get a little romance before the inevitable trip to Poundtown.” “Finally, I'd just like to say thank you to those people who account for me—you know, apologizing in your head to any mind readers in the room before getting all NSFW up in there. We really appreciate that. And of course, big thumbs up to the asexuals out there. You're a joy to have in class.”

Illustration by Ed Appleby