Jake Wray Senior Columnist

he Liberal government’s

new marijuana taskforce, led by Anne McLellan, has released a surprising list of proposed marijuana regulations that has pundits and advocates scratching their heads.

The taskforce has been collecting data and testimony in order to make recommendations to the federal government, which is preparing to table legalization legislation in 2017. Political observers and journalists were not expecting any announcements from the taskforce, which was meant to report directly to the justice minister.

McLellan called a last-

minute press conference in Ottawa on Monday to make the off-kilter announcement.

“I realize that we are taking some unconventional steps here,” McLellan said. “This isn't the entirety of our report, but we wanted to release a few of the staple regulations that form the core of what we're trying to do here.”

McLellan then pressed play on 25-minute PowerPoint presentation set primarily to ’80s power rock songs, including “Eye of the Tiger,” and “The Final Countdown.” The proposed regulations are as follows:

All Canadians over the age of 19 must take a rip at 4:20 p.m. every day.

2. $4,000 fine for spill-

ing a grinder.

Have an idea for a story? WM humour@theotherpress.ca

Visine must be ap- plied between smok- ing and driving.

Bongs and other glass- ware must be cleaned once a month with an alcohol-based cleaner. Pizza delivery drivers must accept joints

in lieu of tips.

Poppers must be taken from dedicated bongs. Bitch-tokes punish- able by up to two years of jail time. Blunts must be rolled with a sprinkle of cocaine, just like Big- gie used to do it. Smokers must buy local weed. No smok- ing any of that nasty Mexican brickweed.

The elbow that shook the world

> Three amigos conference instrumental in elbow-gate resolution

Jake Wray Senior Columnist

ustin Trudeau and Barack Obama have apparently made up after their elbow- based spat last month. American forces, which had amassed at the Canadian border after the incident, quietly withdrew after several days. Weeks of silence and uncertainty followed before Trudeau and Obama appeared together at the

Three Amigos Summit in Ottawa.

In a speech at the House of Commons, President Obama briefly addressed the incident that nearly drove North America into a bloody conflict.

“I was honestly pretty pissed that Justin would assault me viciously with his elbow, but I found it in myself to forgive him

because I am great, fantastic, and wonderful,” President Obama said. “I also realized that my attempt to politicize the incident wasn't gaining me any favour with voters, so screw it, right?” Justin Trudeau spoke to reporters about the incident after

the Three Amigos proceedings had concluded. He maintained his claim to innocence, saying that the elbow was a light, accidental bump, but that he was sorry nonetheless. He

said that Mexican President Pefia Nieto was instrumental

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as credible articles

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And more!

10. Children can only smoke at school if they bring enough for the whole class.

11. Joints must always be passed to the left.

Pot advocate Marc Emery said the taskforce’s priorities are different that he imagined.

“Uh... holy shit. I was fully expecting the federal government to propose heavy-handed legislation that favoured big corporations and had no basis in the day-to- day realities of recreational smokers,” Emery said.

“This is... something else.”

The Other Press caught up with Conservative Party leader Rona Ambrose in Lethbridge, Alberta, where she was in the

E 3 4 o o a a a 3 ° a 3 3 3 LS > ° £ ° oO

in calming the situation.

“If it wasn't for Pefia, I would still be mad at Barack, and Barack would still be mad at me. But our third amigo was able to talk us down and get us sitting at the same table again,” Trudeau said.

“It’s a good thing too because

Image via Www.pot.tv

process of raising a posse. “Think of the CHILDREN,” she said, wiping foam from the corners of her mouth as she sharpened her pitchfork. “The government has signaled clearly that it’s on the side of the druggies and the fiends. I shudder to think how many abortions will be conducted using marijuana once these proposals become law.” Karem Adams, professor of Bluntology at the University of Victoria, said he takes issue with the requirement that blunts be rolled with cocaine. “A blunt without some blow in it is still good. The government is placing unfair pressure on people who want to enjoy a fat roll,” Adams said. “Also, coke is still illegal.”

we would have been fucked if the Americans had invaded,” Trudeau added with a nervous chuckle. Hasbro, the maker of Monopoly, is also apologizing for its role in the incident. Colin McFadyen, a spokesperson for the company, said Hasbro will be reviewing its own policies. “We recognize that we are responsible for the animal hatred that grows between Monopoly opponents. This shocking international incident that almost caused millions of people to be slaughtered has forced us to rethink the rules of Monopoly, as well as our values as a company,” McFadyen said. “For now, we are recommending that world leaders play Scrabble, Yahtzee, or Battleship instead.”