humor// no. 16

Horoscopes

See how your week will be!

theotherpress.ca

Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor

1 looked up to the stars to get you these extremely specific horoscopes for the coming week! See what the heavens have in store for you!

ARIES

(March 21 — April 20)

Get another key cut stat, because youre going to lose one by around midweek. While you're headed to Home Depot for your third house key in the past three months, keep an eye out for any HELP WANTED signs that may catch your eye.

TAURUS

(April 21 — May 21) If you're reading this, you forgot to turn your humidifier and dehumidifier off at home! They're just duking it out in your room. Either hurry home or call your roomie—otherwise youre looking at a very dry or very damp mess on your hands.

GEMIN]

(May 22 — June 22) The thin sliver of light between your blinds and your window is just enough for people outside to watch you eat a full medium-sized pizza in one go. Better invest in some nice curtains, ora nice webcam setup to film yourself eating for some weird businessmen to watch and

pay you for. Get those coins!

= CANCER

: (June 22 - July 23)

Go straight to the barber and get them to shave your entire head. Once that’s completed, youre well on your way to becoming your truest self! Time to get a dog and a bindle, then hit the railroad tracks. You'll be glad you did!

pL EO

(July 24 - Aug 23) Bad things come in threes—but for you, they come in sevens. But after those seven things, you're due for one good thing! Then nine more bad ones, two okay ones, and one that’s just so-so. Sorry!

VIRGO

(Aug 24 — Sept 23)

A new opportunity arises

this week, and it might be the big break

you ve been waiting for! That’s right, you're

about to break your collarbone. Get all of

your affairs in order because youre going

to be in varying levels of pain for the next

six weeks. Don't fret! You'll be able to catch

up on television, plus you'll have a sick sling.

LIBRA

(Sept 24 — Oct 23)

Once Tuesday comes,

you'll be able to see exactly three minutes

into the future. Use this to your advantage,

because on Thursday you'll go temporarily

blind for the whole day. Around the end

of the week, your third eye will open and

you'll be able to see exactly how and when all your mortal enemies will die. Fun!

‘SCORPIO

(Oct 24 — Nov 22) Have all of your socks gone missing? Check the back of your closet. While you're back there, examine the small door that leads to the magical forest in an enchanted land. Your lucky numbers this week are 4, 27, and 92.

=a Le A c

Em PAGIITARIUS >:

(Nov 23 — Dec 21)

Every single piece of fruit

you eat this week will remind you of a pleasant childhood memory, while every single vegetable you eat will remind you of a dream you've had. I advise you to stay away from all meat products for the near future.

CAPRICORN

(Dec 22 — Jan 20)

STOP! I know you haven't

washed your bedding in the past month!

Aren't you stressed about all the dead skin

that’s up in there? Strip your bed and get

to work washing those sheets! Wax all the

hair off your body (including eyebrows) for that smooth skin-on-new-sheets feel.

Gg, AQUARIUS Ss, (Jan 21 - Feb 19)

Are you feeling extra zippy lately? That’s because this week youre full of static electricity. Wear rubber gloves and a swim cap to negate the effect. Let people know before you high-five them that you're full of a static current and can change the weather at your whim. Around midweek your hair and eyes will glow an alarming white.

PISCES

(Feb 20 — Mar 20)

Around Tuesday or

Wednesday you will be able to talk to dogs.

Enjoy your newfound ability, but beware!

Friday or Saturday allows you to talk to

cats, and they’ve heard about the whole

talking to dogs thing. Just between you and me, they’re not very happy about it.

Failure to grab drinks

could result in fine

» Think before you make empty promises

Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor

o you have plans to “grab drinks” with

friends?

Anew bylaw passed in Metro Vancouver means that failure to physically go for said drinks could cost you.

Other Press reporters talked to Deputy Commissioner Sheila Reekie for the inside scoop.

“An estimated 380 people per day make plans to ‘grab a drink sometime next week’ in the Greater Vancouver Area alone,” said Reekie. “Only around nine percent of those people actually follow through with their promise. It’s time to take responsibility for our words and actions.”

Reporters spoke to sociologist Jeff Michaelson to find out why it seems to be so hard to keep such an innocuous promise.

“Human relationships are extremely complex,” said Michaelson. “Oftentimes,

a relationship between two people—

be it friendship, familial, romantic, or otherwise—simply diminishes over time. While sometimes a relationship can be revived naturally, or by taking a trip to the Sunshine Coast together, the only surefire way to make sure an encounter runs smoothly is by drinking copious amounts of alcohol.”

Michaelson added that this might not be an easy feat.

“Though drinking as a ‘social lubricant’ is the best method to delay the doldrums, consider the following: They work early, are on a cleanse, or are two weeks into a sober month. Be sure to factor in the estimated 10 to 20 minutes of small talk you have to endure before both of you are seated and your drinks arrive. Bringing those numbers into play makes many people rethink ‘grabbing a casual drink:

“Failure to follow through on plans could cost you upwards of $200,” Reekie said. “That number is based on how many

my

times you've promised to get drinks, as well as how much you run into that person on

a weekly basis. You could be looking at jail time if you miss their birthday as well.”

Reporters took to the streets to ask citizens what they thought of the fine.

“At this point, it’s the only thing that'll ever make me get a drink with my friend Ashley,’ Sophia Seeding told press. “I need the threat of paying money to make me hang out with her.”

“T have about seven people I’ve promised to meet up for happy hour with,” Francis West said. “And that’s in 2019 alone. Looks like I'll have to break my dry February.”

“Tt’s easy to toss around the idea of going for a drink,” Michaelson said. “Especially when both people arent really invested. So this new bylaw will not only help people stay connected, but will also ensure that we think about what it really means to be ‘friends’ in this day and age.”

He added that it was also “an excuse for me to get absolutely tanked ona Tuesday night.”

Don’t feel like drinking? “The RCMP suggests getting stoned and watching Scary Movie on Netflix,” Reekie said. “It’s almost just as good as alcohol for when you just need a ‘little something’ to make a former friend bearable. Plus, it’s legal now!”