issue 13// vol 45 humour // no. 17

Board game couple celebrates 50th party ruined

> ‘You guys are red, and we're blue. No wait—you're blue—no-’

Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor

I was a big day for local board game enthusiasts Gilda Rynes and Derek Vassar, both 27, as they celebrated their 50th party ruined.

“We've ended dozens upon dozens of parties,” Vassar said as Rynes sat on his lap, something that made every reporter in the room uncomfortable. “And we hope to ruin many more in the years to come.”

After the two met studying geology, the two quickly realized that the only thing stronger than their love for each other was their passion for tabletop board games.

“Because the only thing more boring than geology is board games,” said Rynes.

The couple described their takedown of parties as a double-pronged approach.

“We wait until the party is really

a Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor

LL: paramedics were saddened

ito announce that local resident Didi Glass, 34, passed away last Friday evening.

“Ms. Glass’ death was a result of too much self-care,” John Rivera, the chief of police, told press. “We're talking hair mask, nails, bath bobmbs—real perfume-y stuff”

Glass was a substitute teacher who friends said had a “good heart,” but never really managed to make it work with anyone.

“She had two cats and, by the looks of it, fed them too much and too often,’ Rivera said. “She also had framed pictures of the cats by her bed. Why anyone would do that, I don’t know. She could just look right at the cats.’

Besides her teaching job, Glass was a member of several crocheting and needlepoint clubs as well as a vocal member of the Tasty Facebook group.

“Looking through her internet history reveals she commented, ‘yum! MUST make this for the hubby; on several one-pot pasta videos,” Rivera reported. “We can’t say for sure, but we suspect she never made any of them—and she definitely didn’t have a husband.”

The exact cause of death is unknown, but Rivera and his team had several theories.

“Tt was clear to us that Ms. Glass had applied a charcoal mask at some point in the evening, as well as some Pantene Pro-V deep conditioner,’ said Rivera. “Judging by the damp towel on the couch, she had most likely

getting into full swing,” Vassar told the Other Press, zipping up his black Arc'teryx jacket as far as it could possibly go. “People are talking, laughing, really having fun. Then we pull out our mesh grocery bag full of intricate, hard-to-learn board games and put them all on the table. We make it very clear how the night is going to go. Do you want to describe the rest, babe?”

Rynes put one of her sweater strings in her mouth and chewed on it as she explained the rest of the attack.

“We then find the least convenient area to play a game—most likely the table holding everyone's drinks—and move everything aside to set the board game up. If anyone protests, we shout them down with phrases like, ‘No, you'll love it!’ and “We've played this one a million times. Usually, people start to realize that the fun, easygoing energy of the party is now over and done with, and the real fun begins.”

g yr about 40 minutes watching The Great British Baking Show.

“Ms. Glass’ accident probably happened when she went back into the shower. From the streaks of Essie’s ‘Forever Yummy’ polish on the shower door handle, she most likely slipped on the estimated 15 Lush bath products scattered about the floor. There was also a box of the cheapest red wine from the BC Liquor store next to the towel on the couch, which obviously played into the scene in a big way. There was no glass on site—she was probably drinking straight from the box.”

Other Press reporters spoke to Sharon Ross, whom Glass called her “BFF” in her hot pink journal that Rivera called “embarrassing for someone her age.” Ross was inconsolable at the time of the interviews.

“She was teaching eighth grade science and you know how eight graders can be,” Ross sobbed. “She texted me on her lunch break to tell me that they had started calling her “Ms. Ass’ and I felt so horrible that I suggested she take a night to herself and just unwind. Splurge ona nice hand cream from Sephora, a rotisserie chicken, and just relax, you know? Mental health is as important as physical health! She needed some ‘me’ time! This is all my fault!”

Before ending the press conference, Rivera had some closing remarks: “Let Ms. Glass’ fate be a lesson to us all. By all means, take care of your mental health and wellbeing. But not too much. Best to just push the stress deep down and let it fester into something much more serious and harder to handle. At least, that’s what I do—and you can trust me, I'ma cop.”

Other Press reporters spoke to Calvin Wrobel, host of the aforementioned 50th party. “T hate board games,” said Wrobel. “Don't like them, never have. It’s almost like Gilda and Derek are using them as a tool to distract us from the fact that they can't socialize. Before they pulled the board games out, they barely talked to anyone. They just sat on the couch whispering to each other. It was almost as awful as the games themselves.”

“We pick the games with the most detailed rules that are almost impossible for first-timers to pick up on,’ Vassar explained. “We're not talking Guess Who? or Monopoly. We're bringing out complicated, world-building games that are barely even fun for us. Now that’s how you party!”

“Because we own these games and play them often, we always have the upper

hand. And believe me, we're poor winners,” Rynes added.

Vassar pulled reporters aside while Rynes was in the bathroom. “Just between us, I’m planning on proposing to Gilda at the next party we ruin. I’m going to pull out Codenames—and instead of a complex, frustrating game that guarantees nobody will be getting laid that night, there'll bea ring inside! I can’t wait to settle down, start a family, and force the doctor delivering our child to play Settlers of Catan before giving Gilda an epidural”

Sources told the Other Press that Rynes and Vassar usually only bring two loose beers to a party, relying mostly on the hosts as a source of alcohol.

Before leaving the conference, Vassar and Rynes shared a long, tongue-filled kiss.

“We do that at parties too,” Rynes said. “Nobody likes it.”

Local action film fights for length

» ‘The opening credits alone could be an entirely separate movie’

Naomi Ambrose Staff Writer

eremy Jonders, the director of the

upcoming superhero film The Amazing Adventures of Vancouver Girl, revealed that the movie will be Burrardo Studios’ longest film—and possibly the longest superhero film ever made.

“T heard that the upcoming Avengers movie is going to be three hours, so I figured our movie should have a run time of exactly three hours and five minutes,” said Jonders said ina live-streamed Q&A on his YouTube channel. “Having the longest movie is something that is very near and dear to my heart. And no, before you ask, I’m not overcompensating for anything. Everybody can stop bringing that up.”

Jonders explained that he, along with the film’s writers, assistant director, studio executives, and his mother Annie, decided lots of time needed to be taken to tell Vancouver Girl’s story.

“Tt’s a beautiful action-packed story that shouldn't be rushed. If that means the whole first hour goes by without dialogue, so be it,” said Jonders, who stands at about 5’3 (in shoes).

Even the smallest details haven't been overlooked in Vancouver Girl. Because of the attention to detail, the action within the action movie won't start until around the halfway mark.

“Even the fighting style Vancouver Girl uses to defeat her archnemesis won't be revealed until a good two hours have passed,” said Jonders. “The audience has

seen dozens of superhero movies over the years, so I’m sure they can endure a couple of hours of close-up shots of buildings and trees instead. It’s really an artistic choice.”

He further explained that the special effects used in the usual car chases, sword fights, fistfights, and the epic battles on mountaintops really need to be slowed down for dramatic and emotional effects.

“At one point, all movement stops. The audience will basically be staring at a still photo of the actors. I'm all about length for this movie. All about the height—I mean, length”

Other characters from the film really help flesh out the world of Vancouver Girl. “Vancouver Girl has a sidekick, Stanville Granville. He’s a really cool dude—really tall, too. Since you guys asked, he’s around 6’5. He also works part-time as a film director. And yes, Vancouver Girl and Granville find love at the end of the movie. Spoiler alert!”

Before leaving the conference, Jonders leaned close to the microphone with a twinkle in his eye.

“My executives told me not to reveal this, but I’m feeling risky. There’s a possibility that an additional five minutes might be added to the film. We really want to make it as tall—I mean long—as possible. Just to fully capture the film’s story. Because, you know, length is really what matters in this industry. God, I’m so much better than the Russo brothers.”

Reporters noted that when Jonders moved away from the podium, it appeared the director was wearing lifts.