Sasha Franklin Cat Enthusiast

D ear the Other Press, | have read your paper for many years, before it was cool—way before it was cool. There have been a few things that have bothered me about your paper, such as the size (too small) and the frequency (too often,

yet sometimes not often enough), but

the one thing that really, really bothers me is your lack of diversity in regard to writers. In the many, many issues I have read, or pretended to read to impress bus passengers, | have never seen any cats. Not cat photos or cat articles—I’m talking cat authors. Cat journalists. Purrnalists, if you will.

I’m astounded at the lack of fuzzy, four-pawed, slinky journalists that demand to go inside and then outside again.

I’m sure it’s not from lack of applications either. I know that your newspaper has received at least 10 story submissions from cats. I know because I submitted them myself.

It’s not the cats’ fault that they

i 10

Letter to the editor: Why no cat journalists?

>» Let the cats write, dammit

Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca

ax

can't formulate their thoughts in an understandable language, let alone put those thoughts to paper, let alone have enough guts to send the damn thing and experience the fear of rejection. When people need help doing things, we help them. What about cats? Left alone, they’ll die without our help. If we don’t help the cats with their writing careers they will simply die unfulfilled artists.

Is it because cats meow at you? Or because you think all they need is food, water, and petting? Well, perhaps that’s what the “man” told you when they gave you your old cat Whiskers, but this is the real world with real cats. We're just scratching the surface here.

Task that your paper finally gives cats a chance in the journalism world. I’m sure if you actually read their articles you would learn some important things, like how dry food isn’t as good as

do is read past the thousands of misplaced “meows” and you'd have something everyone wants to read: Raw, real journalism.

My cat Mittens is here right now, talking to me about how the Russians are going to invade Canada in the

wet food and how things at low angles are kind of interesting. All you would need to

¢ Why no cat journalists?

¢ Important transit tips for a better commute

e Police introduce zero-tolerance policies

* ...and more!

year 2084. He wants to write about it—I know he does—and surely someone would want to read about the extremely accurate predictions of our future. In this crazy world, should we really reject writers just because they are cats? My 32 cats and I say no, and we ask you to leave the door open so we can go back and forth as we please.

Photo illustration by Lauren Kelly

Underground black market created immediately after trans fats outlawed

» Margarine, shortening, and many baked goods now worth thousands

Nutrition Facts

Valeur nutritive Per 2 tsp (10 mL) / pour 2 c. a the (1(

Amount Teneur

Calories / Calories 80

Chandler Walter Contributor

lhe sweets have officially turned sour.

Immediately following Health Canada’s decision to ban trans fats throughout the country, new black markets have been at work moving foods containing the outlawed substance.

The law came into effect on Monday,

September 17, with the Government of Canada ordering its military into the homes

% Daily % valeur quotic

of law-abiding Canadian citizens and ripping

loaves of banana bread from the arms of their

Fat / Lipides 9 g

loving makers. 4 “He came in, and he just... he just took it,” Vancouverite Laura Wilson said of what

Saturated / saturés 1.5 g

+ Trans /transOg

would later become known to Canadians as “The Breadening.” “I screamed, and I screamed, but he said that if I didn’t let go I would end up like my poor loaf”

While it has not been officially

Carbohydrate / Glucides 0 g Protein / Protéines 0 g

Not a significant source of cholesterol, sodiun fibre, sugars, vitamin A, vitamin C, calcium or

source négligeable de cholestérol, sodium, fi! sucres, vitamine A, vitamine C, calcium et fer.

confirmed, reports from anonymous insiders have told the Other Press that the government has sinister plans for all the food containing trans fats.

“They're planning to store ‘em,’ our anonymous tipster said in a phone interview where the person’s voice was like, all deep and stuff so that they could hide their identity, even over the phone. “And they’re planning to eat ’em.”

If the accusations prove to be correct, it could be the biggest controversy in Canadian

Photo by Billy Bui

politics since 1981's Night of the Long Knives, or the biggest political controversy for North America since literally whatever happened in the US last week.

Trans fat is known to “increase the risk of coronary disease,’ according to “scientific” studies, but it is also known to be “super damn delicious,” according to one guy who was hanging outside a nearby 7-11.

Whether or not the foods seized by government agents have been destroyed or stored to feed the one percent remains to be seen, but what has been confirmed is that the raid did not manage to confiscate all the available trans fat in circulation. Seemingly overnight, black markets have sprung up all around the country, with criminals peddling muffins, cookies, and homemade breads at local parks, usually on weekend mornings.

These devious criminals, so bold in their dealings, have even gone so far as to set up sandwich board signs, banners, and online advertisements calling would-be buyers to their markets.

“This is, uh, this is obviously a farmers’ market,’ one of the underground agents told our undercover reporter. “Yeah, we sell baked goods and stuff... I’m pretty sure that the trans fat ban was just for prepackaged goods?”

Our reporter was lucky to escape the illegal black market unscathed, though stated that he “totally didn’t mean to spend that much cash’ while investigating.