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A palate of newspaper peddlers

A quick rundowniof the people)handing outn WAL)

By Jacey Gibb

iding public transit in the Rene is a ritual full of many

trials. There’s the overcrowded Skytrains, the mobs of grumpy businessmen bumping into you on the bus and then there’s the newspaper people. Strategically placed at Skytrain stations throughout the lower mainland, these employees of Metro/24 have been unleashed upon the population with a single objective: to make sure you have a newspaper in your hand. As someone who takes public transit daily, I have spent months collecting data, conducting surveys and cross-referencing resources in order to compose this refined list of the different types of peddlers, what you need to know about them and how to

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differentiate between.

1) The Deaf- No matter how many

times you smile and say ‘thanks but no thanks’, someone might as well of hit a mute button on you. The Deaf sees no reason why you wouldn’t want the latest copy of their paper, as they experience a hearing similar to Charlie Brown’s wakka wakka wakka. Characteristics to watch for: unwavering emotion, possible wax blocking ear canals.

2) The Smile and Nodder- Not to be confused with The Deaf, The Smile

and Nodder boasts their pearly whites

in hopes their positivity inspires you to accept what they’re offering. In actuality, they’re not smiling at you, but at the thought of what they’re going to do as

soon as they finish their mind-numbing work day. Characteristics to watch for: million dollar smile, constant nods of approval, Vicodin bottle sticking out of pocket.

3) The Cool Cat- The best kind of paper person to encounter because he cares as little as you do about reading details on Lindsay Lohan’s latest trip to rehab. The only reason he’s doing this gig anyways is because he needs the money until his band makes it big. However, apathy and too-coolness usually have a negative effect as you’re offended he didn’t at least offer a newspaper (you didn’t want one, but what if you had?). You secretly scold him for his laziness. Characteristics to watch for: sunglasses, headphones in, lack of work ethic

4) The Pusher- The most aggressive of all the peddlers. To them, all your ‘no’s are spelt ‘yes’ and everyone secretly wants a newspaper, but they’re just

too afraid to ask for one. The Pusher sees a bus unload at the station and interprets it as their Vietnam. It’s best if you just accept their offer the first time and abandon it just as quickly into the recycling. Characteristics to watch for: body language similar to a drug dealer, crazy eyes

5) The Newspaper Box- How Metro and 24 SHOULD provide their papers. Characteristics to watch for: They’re a box.