Brandon Ferguson, Opinions Editor

Well, well, well, what do we have here? An eager new stu- dent or a grizzled returnee? Someone down on their luck, or a high-school stud looking to continue glory? Of course, if you're one of those loan-taking, shitty job-working, empties- are-a-major-source-of-your-income, part-time students, well, I’m going to ignore you like I was a BC Liberal.

Iastead, this is a shout out to some of the major demo- graphics at Douglas College. You'll see them in the halls and know them from your classes; you may even catch one in the mirror. Regardless, this is one eclectic school you’ve chosen to come to and there’s a home for everyone here.

Rent Dodgers:

Welcome to Douglas, a fine post-secondary institute that your rent-dodging predecessors helped found. Since time immemorial, parents have put down the ultimatum for unin- spired high school grads: go to school or pay your way.

Chances are, your mother bought you clothes for school (you really do look smart in that sweater vest). Your dad has turned the family sedan into a timeshare. You have at least one piece of plastic that you don’t pay for, probably a gas card. You have it good, my friend. Embrace your jeweled leash, devour the free leftovers, and enjoy general studies.

Oh, and good luck sneaking partners back home to screw in your Unicorn/Star Wars bed sheets.

Desperate Housewives:

You ladies are the sass that puts some class back in to college ass. Sorry to be crass, but women following their hearts are abound in these academic halls. Comprised of wives and mothers, they either have a partner evolved enough to say, “go on honey, do what you’ve got to do,” or they’ve got a kid at home whom they want to provide a bet- ter life for. An honourable lot, the desperate housewives are also some of the most rabid conversationalists. That’s right son; none of your witty bar banter can hold a glow-stick to the well-articulated ideas of someone who’s had a lifetime to think things over while doing laundry. Ladies, welcome to Douglas.

Unlike your love of ponies and photography as a young- ster, you have a passion that goes beyond any whimsy or adolescent want. You want to pursue; you want to explore; you want to see, now that you’ve already set up your life, if you can tap in to that deepest desire

a career of your choosing. Well, you passed a ten-pound turkey through your loins, so I’m pretty sure you could create cold fusion if you wanted. Go on and kick some college ass, you beacons of baby-making beauty. And, if you can, wear high heels at least once this semester. We love that.

Dream Chasers:

Guess what? You suck! That’s right—you heard me. I don’t care what compliments your high-school counselor gave you and I don’t give a shit about how good your year- book turned out under your leadership. You’re too wet behind the ears to swim with the big fish. ’m pretty sure that I can smell retainer saliva on your chin. Geez, go home and finish your Usher collage already. YOU WILL NOT SUCCEED!

You okay? Good. Because now it’s week two and you’re about to kick my ass in every test and assignment from now

until Christmas. Keep on chasing, superstar.

Second Strikers: Friends, Romans, countrymen.

Welcome Back,

Bitches

So what was it? Bad marriage? Injured on the job? Dead-end career? Drugs and that weekend in Vegas with post-op Paula? Well, we’re all here for a reason. Whatever yours, welcome to Douglas College: land of last chances.

There will be countless times along the way when you look around in a mixture of fear and loathing and say: “What the fuck am I doing here?” Good question, but you know the answer. You’re unhappy, or perhaps lost. Maybe misguided, but definitely searching. And yet you are worth- while. And capable. Even confident. One of the nicest things that Douglas has going for it is its acceptance. Not its openness. Not even its tolerance. But its acceptance. You’re on even footing with her, him, and me for the first time in a while. You're at a place that offers solid ground. From here, having come from there, you can go anywhere you so choose. Where will you go?

The patio of the first pub night to join me in a coco puff, I hope. Come on.. .just a taste.

Welcome to all of you, old and new. Douglas College has long been the butt of all smarmy university students’ jokes, but this daycare has much to offer. If you’re aiming higher, you can transfer after two years while saving a small fortune on tuition costs. If you want a Bachelors degree, you can get one (provided you're interested in Nursing or Psychiatric Nursing). If you want to get used to life after high school, there’s no better place to chill out and see what the post-secondary environment is like than here. Well, except UVic. Those kids are freaking animals.

Lastly, some broad words of advice: structure your semester so that you know what classes you want to skip ahead of time; don’t use the electronic door buttons unless you either are, or aspire to be, handicapped; never, ever, piss off Kelly at the barista because I will hunt you down and do things to your nose that would make you wish you were a leper; smoke ’em if you got ’em; and don’t show up class- mates because there is no easier way to get hated.

So throw off your stigmatic shackles of a second-rate education and cast aside your high school’s disposable knowledge. You’re a paying student now, which means that you want to be here. Or at least your parents want you to be here. Whatever the case, get out there and enjoy yourself.

And no matter what some dick may say, nobody knows who you are—and what you want to be—better than your- self.

nicolemarieburton(¢

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