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Stephen Harper's band bails on opening for The Tragically Hip

> Former prime minister simply refused to be in the same room as his replacement

Chandler Walter Assistant Editor

he Tragically Hip rocked

Canada last month with their CBC-broadcasted final performance, from the sandy beaches of Vancouver to the rocky shores of St. John’s.

What many Canadians who tuned in that night (roughly one third of the population) do not know is that a well-known face was scheduled to rock out for Canada as well that night, but things did not go according to plan.

Former prime minister Stephen Harper was set to play the keyboard alongside his four- piece band, the Van Cats, as the opening act for The Tragically Hip during their Canada-wide show. Unfortunately, the arrival of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau reportedly put Harper into a mood that could not be calmed by any of his band mates.

“We told him to just concentrate on the music, to do it for the music, but he wouldn't listen,” said Van Cats guitarist Eddy Lee. “He kept going on about how Canada has moved on, and didn’t want to see him anymore. Which we think is

silly—Canada always loves his music, no matter how rocky things got between the two of them.”

“Tt just hard to see him go through that,” said the band’s drummer, Don Jonham. “Ever since Canada chose that hotter, younger prime minister, ol’ Harp has been doing nothing

but playing ‘Mad World’ on his keyboard. We could barely even convince him to come play this show with us, but he said he would do it for Canada. I guess the guy really does still care.”

It is reported that when Harper saw Trudeau walking into the building, he flipped over his keyboard and stated that he was

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“having none of this bullshit, man,” and would catch the band on the flip side.

Attempts to speak to Harper on the matter have all been unsuccessful, though he did issue a short statement to the press, scrawled out in black sharpie on a ripped scrap of paper.

The statement read, “I’m

out. Going to concentrate on my music. I hope Canada is happy with the choice it made, because lam so totally over it.”

Harper’s PR manager then officially declared that he would be stepping down as MP, as he had “a whole lot of new songs to write, and a certain country to forget about.”

Graphic by Mike LeMieux

2016 voted “Least Likely to Succeed” by classmates

> Interviews with other years who knew 2016 back in the day

Rebecca Peterson Interim Humour Editor

he Other Press recently

caught up with some of 2016's classmates to hear the story of its formative years. After months of dealing with 2016's shenanigans, from the joke that is the US election, to the loss of many beloved actors and singers (as well as untold amounts of tragic deaths as a result of political unrest and turmoil and wars worldwide), the paper felt it was time to get to the bottom of what makes 2016 tick.

“Well, we all kind of saw it coming, to be honest,” said former classmate 2011, now retired. “See, I got voted ‘Most

Likely to Lead an Uprising, and good ol’ 2012 was ‘Most Likely to End the World, so that was kind of disappointing. But 2016... when I knew 2016, it was the blandest year you could think of. But you know, ina serial killer kind of way. It’s always the quiet ones, right? Hell, in the yearbook, 2001 was just ‘Most Likely to Change the World? That’s one of those throwaway titles you give to nice people you don’t know very well but seem to have their crap together. Kinda sucked how that one turned out.” “2016 was in my Economics class,” said 2008, also retired. “Didn't seem to get how finances worked, but I mean, neither did I, and look what happened to me! Anyway, it kept asking for the

nuclear launch codes, and I was like, °16, this is a mathematics

class, what are you talking about?’

It was kind of a shifty year. Still,

no one could have predicted this.”

“2016 took an AP course on World Politics and scored an A+,” said 2013. “Can you imagine? A+ in World Politics. If only we'd known, then...”

“No one expected much of 2016, but we all knew it wasn’t gonna be a great year,’ said 2015. “I kind of felt bad about passing off the torch to it. If ’'d known how things were going to go, I would have skipped right on to 2017, you know?”

Finally, we spoke to 2017, who only had this to say:

“I’m very afraid for what’s to come.”

Graphic by Mike LeMieux