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Nations band together to create Amazon stump sanctuary

> ‘We have finally created a project we can all get behind’

Klara Woldenga Humour Editor

Coun Peru, and China have joined forces to protect a large portion of the Amazon rainforest by turing it into a stump sanctuary.

“After years of heated debates and arguments, we have finally come toa decision that is beneficial to everyone,” stated Joan Acrida, head of “Project Stump.” “We really think this project was worth all the time and money we put into it.

It’s just too bad we didn’t put more effort into trying to make up a better name.”

The Amazon rainforest covers much of northwestern Brazil and extends into Colombia, Peru, and other South American countries. Project Stump will get rid of most of that and, in its place, create a safer, more family-friendly environment in the hopes of drawing in more tourism.

“Something we hear over and over is that the Amazon rainforest is ‘unsafe; and no one wants to go in there because of all the ‘dangerous bite-y things. Well, we hope by clearing all that weird stuff out we can make something everyone can really enjoy—I mean, who doesn't like stumps? They're safe, easy, and fun for the whole family!”

Jackson Errik, head of the world’s largest paper company, “Leaf it to Us,”

is reported to also be in support of this project, stating that “I believe a stump sanctuary is the best thing that can happen to that rainforest. The Amazon is filled with weird animals and environments I do not understand, nor do I care to learn about. It’s all super gross.’ Errik has generously offered his tree removal and processing services to the project free of charge, stating that he will do anything to “make the project move faster.”

A concrete timeline for Project Stump is still being made, but the team

is confident that the project will be done

in two to five years. “You'd be surprised how easy it is to chop trees down and drive animals out of areas,” said Acrida. “Animals are dumb; all you need are a bunch of

loud machines and they’re out of there.”

Despite the vast benefits this sanctuary offers, some environmentalists state that it’s still not enough.

“How do we know the Amazon stumps will actually be safe from loggers?” asked environmentalist, Alice Jackson. “They say they're protected now, but will it actually be

Depression meals: Send noods

> Ramen recipe

Mercedes Deutscher Social Media Coordinator

Ingredients: One package of instant noodles Salt (you own tears may be substituted) One egg

Hold package of noodles. Deliberate for 40 minutes over whether or not you really want to cook the noodles or just crush them up and eat them dry.

Eventually start to open noodles. Struggle with open the packaging due to the fact that you lost your scissors last week and never got around to finding them. Finally open package, allowing loose noodles to spill out onto the counter.

Fill a pot with two inches of water. Place un-cracked egg in water. Ask Siri to set a timer for four minutes because that is how long Google said it would take to soft boil an egg. After asking five times, set the damn timer yourself.

On another element on your stove, boil some water in a sauce pan. Ensure you do not have the correct amount of water for the noodles. Too little or too much is fine, but be certain that it is the incorrect amount.

Watch the water reach boiling temperature as you think about the pile of dirty laundry on your floor that you need to wash. Assure yourself that you can always buy more socks and underwear, and feel good about the fact that your favourite sweater doesn't smell that bad yet.

Take egg out of boiling water after four minutes. Cool egg down quickly by placing it in a bowl of ice water.

In your other pot of boiling water, pour in package of noodles. Painfully retrieve seasoning packet that fell in the boiling water with noodles. Set aside. Poke at noodles with a fork until they break apart and become limp.

Pour in seasoning packet and adjust

temperature to minimum. You don't want your noodles and soup to get cold. Take egg out of cold water and use a teaspoon to crack and peel shell. Somehow find part where the egg white is still a little uncooked. Try to gently remove shell from this area and panic when it opens and drips liquid yolk. Panic and throw egg into the ramen. Turn off heat and remove pot filled with overcooked noodles, broth, and liquid egg. Season your ramen with salt, or your tears caused by how you can

never get the boiled egg right. Evolve this into a crisis where you cry about not being able to get anything right

in your life. Realize that you area disappointment to your friends and family, and that you take so much more than you give back. In order to properly

(¥ Letter to the Editor: Cannibalism is fine

(¥ ‘The suburban ‘90s moms were right,’ say Wizards of the Coast (YY Comics!

And more!

Illustration by Max Foss

protected hundreds of years down the line? I think we should demand that they create a law promising the protection of these stumps for a thousand years.” Although confused by the demand, Acrida has promised members of the concerned public that they will create a law promising the permanent safety of the stumps. “Whatever the public wants, really, it doesn’t matter to us. Stumps are stumps.” The public signing of the contract will take place at the end of the month.

season you will need to make sure your tears fall directly into the ramen.

Pour ramen into a bow] and take into your room along with fork or chopsticks. Lay in bed and eat some of the noodles before placing bowl on your bedside table for two days.

Photo illustration by Lauren Kelly