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Girl with nothing else going on Teally into veganism now’

» Reporters forced to watch ‘Cowspiracy’

Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor

n what some sources call a lateral

move, local woman Wendy Robertson announced to press this Sunday that she is taking a big step into the world of veganism.

“Tt just seemed like the right time for me,” said Robertson, who has an estimated $2,300 in credit card debt. “I’m excited to see what veganism can do for my image.”

Many vegans around the world list environmental concerns, health benefits, and the cruelty of the meat and dairy industry as their reasons for abstaining from animal products.

“Those are all good reasons,” Robertson told Other Press reporters, shoving handfuls of Daiya shredded cheddar into her mouth. “But they’re not why I went vegan.”

Robertson had dabbled in different lifestyle phases—ranging from Girl Who Really Loves Coffee, Girl Who Is Just One of the Guys, and that One Disney Fan Who's Too Old for It and It Makes Everyone Else Uncomfortable—before turning to veganism.

After graduating from Douglas College with a degree in History, Robertson took a year off to travel to Berlin with her best friend Lana McKenzie. After their month- long trip, McKenzie worked towards her Bachelor of Education and now teaches at a local elementary school.

“Lana totally sold out,” Robertson said at the press release. “We were supposed to go to Chiang Mai together. The next thing I knew, she was putting money towards retirement and going to the dentist. Plus,

I saw her eat a grilled cheese the other day. Does she even know that cows have to be artificially inseminated to produce the amount of milk needed to support the

dairy industry?”

Other Press reporters contacted McKenzie for her side of the story.

“T love my job,” McKenzie stated from her nicely decorated apartment. “T always told Wendy I was working towards it. Anyway, I was raised vegetarian and urged her to try it during college. Plus I couldn’t go to Chiang Mai because I have a really serious nut allergy. Like, I could die. Did she tell you that part?”

After moving back into her parents’ house at the age of 25, Robertson began buying strange spices, kitchen gadgets, and avocado-themed memorabilia.

“Look at this,” Robertson’s mother Kimberly said, brandishing a reusable plastic container holding a strange pale blob. “What is—I don’t even know what this is. I’ve been pulling stuff out of this damn fridge all day. She’s using every single piece of my Tupperware, for God’s sake!”

Reporters watched as the elder Robertson dug around, pulling out wilted roots from crispers. “She’s never shown much of an interest in veganism. In fact, she once won a rib-eating contest when she was 18. It wasn’t until her brother finished medical school and her sister got hired at an East Coast law firm that she started asking me what seitan was. And don’t even ask, I’ve googled it six times and I’m still not sure what the hell it is.”

“T post around eight vegan things a day,” Wendy Robertson said as she scrolled through her phone, which was most likely a product of unsafe child labour in a developing nation. “They usually range from cute and cuddly animals, or me eating a cruelty-free cupcake, to the inside of a bloody sheep’s intestine. Most people don’t like them, so I’ve lost a lot of followers— but that’s how you know youre really reaching people.”

Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca

¢ Girl with nothing else going on ‘really into veganism now’

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..and more!

Local woman's dating profile just several collages of various group photos

» Male users confused, annoyed, slightly aroused

Jacey Gibb Distribution Manager

ale users of the dating app Hinge were

left in disarray last Thursday after encountering a woman’s profile comprised exclusively of collages of different group photos.

“I was just cruising for a date this weekend, minding my own business, when this profile popped up. I don’t even know how to describe it,” Michael McBride recounted to the Other Press.

“T’ve been on dating apps fora while now, so I’ve seen some weird shit. We're talking adult babies. But this... this ain’t right.”

The profile in question—under the name “Victoria’—has six different photos, all of which are made up of multiple other group photographs.

“I'm ona boat, bitch,” one caption claimed, on a photograph that was in fact several pictures of women posing on houseboats. Another image was a composite of various bachelorette parties all posing in front of the same Kelowna winery with the caption “In it to wine it.”

The rest of the profile offered fewer clues, further puzzling potential bump buddies: 26 years old, 58”, “yes” to alcohol and a “no” to smoking, works at Lululemon.

“That could be literally half the women in this city,” claimed another male user who matched with “Victoria” but wished to remain anonymous. “And does she mean a storefront Lululemon? Or head office? The plot thickens.”

The anonymous source also claimed that one picture in particular had so many

shrunken group photos that there were potentially dozens of groups of women contained within the one picture.

“Tt was so small and pixelated,” the user said, while swiping left and right during the interview. “How am I possibly supposed to know if she’s someone I might want to unload my trauma on, have disconnected sex with for two weeks, then ghost completely?”

Representatives from Hinge did not immediately respond to our requests for acomment. However, the company’s policy (found online) mentions group photos under Section 8.C, claiming that it “respects users’ rights to confuse anyone checking out their profile,” though it does not “condone flooding the market with photos where it’s, like, really, really difficult to scope out some ass.”

But not every user was as flabbergasted by the photos. Tom Smith, a dating app enthusiast and long-time user of Hinge, sent a “like” to the mysterious profile.

“Tt’s like being on a treasure hunt,” explained Smith. “Ifyou think about it, there are easily over a hundred women between all of these group photos. Any one of them could be ‘Victoria’ Or if I want to get philosophical, maybe we're all Victoria?”

Smith said he did not match with the profile but had high hopes that Victoria had just been out of WiFi range during the weekend, or maybe had just been really busy with work.

“Tt might sound cheesy—some would call me a hopeless romantic even—but you'll never know unless you smash that ‘like’ button and slide into her DMs.”