Humour

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My Prospective Perspective

I am tired of these Philistines ruining great art exhibits!

By Josh Furman, Art Critic

top me if you’ve heard this one before.

It’s a Friday night. You’re attending the latest exhibition at the Jennifer Kostuik Gallery, checking out the newest offerings from Curtis Cutshaw or Colleen Flynn-Lawson. You’ve just purchased a glass of pinot grigio from the bartender. You're feeling the vibe and having wonderful conversation with your fellow tastemakers.

Then, in through the door, without even checking their coats or breastplates, come a bunch of Philistines, who boorishly storm through the place like they own it. They ransack the gallery, kill all the men, have their way with the women, kidnap the children for a life of brutal slavery, and they don’t even buy anything.

Wait, you have heard this one before? I said stop me!

Okay, seriously now, people. I am sick to death of these Iron Age Canaanites trampling on the culture of the West Coast. I know it may be foreign to them, and it’s a little different than the golden statues to Baal that they are used to, but if they want to be a part of the cultural scene in Vancouver, you need to learn to appreciate the diversity this city has to offer. It’s something we celebrate here, not something to be eradicated in an orgy of raping and pillaging.

For clarity’s sake, I’m not trying to paint all of these pre-Christian heathens in one stroke; far from it. I’m no racist; many of my friends are godless Philistines, and are quite

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capable of handling themselves with class and decorum.

Like my friend, Casluhim the Child-killer; he’s such a dear. He’s made a lot of progress since immigrating to BC from the city- state of Ashkelon. Why, just the other day, we attended a new exhibit of functional sculpture by Marie Khouri at the Buschlen Mowatt. We had a few glasses of wine, met the artist, discussed post-processual theory with the manager. Then, and only then, did Casluhim take out a bronze war axe, decapitate a patron, rip out his small intestines, defile his lifeless corpse and burn his body in the middle of West Georgia as a blood sacrifice to Dagon, the Philistine god of fertility, wheat, and fish.

You see? Philistines are definitely capable of showing class. Casluhim behaved himself like a true gentleman, and the evening was all the better for it.

I suppose the Philistines aren’t so bad, even at an art gallery. They’re better than Vandals when it comes to writing their names everywhere, and they’re less brooding than Goths. And Etruscans? Please! Don’t get me started.

So please, Philistines, all I ask is a little respect for the cultural institutions of the city. Also, I would like to also ask that you release my wife from chattel slavery at the whim of Phicol the Overlord. Her letters home are becoming increasingly desperate.

With files from Liam Britten.

The NHL is leading the way in

concussion reduction strategies The League is the head of the pack when it comes to brain safety

By Gary Bettman, NHL Commissioner

ver the past three years, concussions and head safety have been on

everyone’s mind in the sporting world.

Football, rugby, soccer, and even baseball have had to deal with this menace head-first. And hockey is no exception.

But that’s why the National Hockey League has been at the head of concussion reduction ever since the public and professional outcry began telling us we had to change. We’ve put our heads together and attacked the problem head on. No messing around. The problem is being solved.

When it comes to repeat offenders, we’ve cracked the necessary skulls to ensure league discipline. The numbskulls and dunderheads are heading off for big numbers of games with our new suspension policy, and thus, we are heading off the injuries before they happen.

I know there are a lot of head

cases who think that the mental health isn’t on our minds at all times. But that’s just not true. Our head of discipline, Brendan Shanahan, has put safety at the head of his list of priorities. And head never let us down. I mean, he’d never let us down.

As head of the NHL, and head decision maker, I want to assure you all that our efforts are sincere; I’m not just giving head to the critics so they'll get their heads out of their asses. My mind is made up, and I’m willing to put my head on the chopping block to make sure this embarrassment for our game doesn’t rear its ugly head again.

Now, I hope this wonderful yet dangerously unsafe distraction from the increasing Americanization of the league has you sheep more convinced than ever to give me your sweet, sweet money and look at the game less critically than ever.

Wait, don’t publish that last part!

With files from Liam Britten.

Uhhh... who said that?

Where am I?

2” \>

By Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins Captain

h god... keep it down... I can barely think. Turn that light off! It

hurts to look at anything bright! Okay, that’s better. Thanks.

Okay, so what's going on? An editorial? What? What the hell is that? Slow down. I’m getting a little dizzy here.

My opinions on head safety? How well the League is doing to

prevent concussions? Oh, okay.

Um, I feel that the League is strawberry pancakes. The Beothuk people were a noble people, living off the land for many years across Newfouldland, living a peaceful existence before the white man came. Apple sauce.

Wait, hold on. I think I’m going to puke. Blaaaarghh!! Hulp- buh-blaaaarghhh!! Hooo... hooo... man... okay, I think that’s got it.

So what did you want? My opinions on head safety? I already told you! Yes, I did! Wait, did I?

I... [just want to go back to playing the game. That’s all I want. Just leave me alone. I need to sleep. Or try to. It’s pretty hard when the room’s spinning like this.

Sorry... wait, one more time, what is it you wanted me to talk about?

With files from Liam Britten.