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Breaking news: Local girl ‘literally can't even’

theotherpress.ca

Chandler Walter Contributor

I? a recent incident, a young teen, Jessica Roe, evidently “could not begin to even,”

as posted on her friend’s Instagram photo last Saturday.

The photograph in question was of a newly purchased TNA sweater with the caption, “So rdy 4 #Autumn.”

How exactly this event went on to make young Jessica of Coquitlam cease to even remains a mystery, but luckily an ambulance arrived on scene at the local Starbucks within minutes.

Police officer Rickross Kennedy was first to respond. “It was the usual procedure,” Kennedy told us on that Hefe- filtered fall day. “We managed

: to get a PSL into her stat, with : the help of our friends from

: Starbucks, and then had her

: count by twos, slowly.”

“Though, it was a close

: one,” Kennedy confided to us. : “If we had gotten there two,

: or even four minutes later, she : would have been a goner.”

By the time the

: firetruck arrived, Jessica was

: rediscovering eight. All that

: was left at the scene of the

: incident was a heavily dog-

: eared Fifty Shades of Grey and : a Metro newspaper crossword : that had numbers filled into

: the squares.

“IT didn’t have a damn clue

: what she was saying,” said the : fire chief. “I just knew that

: there was an emergency, and so : : here we are. It was so odd. She : could barely even at all.”

Roe’s friend, Tasha Lanes,

: is currently in custody at the

: local police station awaiting : questioning, though the sweater : is still nowhere to be found.

: that at least 60 per cent of

: Instagram users at some point

: lose their ability to even, which : is but a stepping stone to the

: darker side of social media, as

: seen earlier this : summer in the

: fatal incident

: when Rebecca

: Meerscats

: claims that she : “literally died.”

: is no way to stop

: this ever-growing

: issue, and we can

: only look towards our

: local Starbucks baristas to : try their best in fighting this uphill battle.

Recent statistics show

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government, police, and

A sexier Halloween

» Costumes that are dripping with sex appeal for Halloween 2014

Mercedes Deutscher Staff Writer

re you tired of going to

Halloween parties as the generic sexy police officer, nurse, or cat? Do you want a change in costume while still keeping a sensual appeal? Rather than using the same old costumes, try these new and original sexy costumes that will make you the hottest guest at any Halloween party!

4. Sexy Gandalf: Nothing is more sexy than power. You'll be the most magical person in the room as Sexy Gandalf. A lot of people at Halloween parties shall not pass compared to you.

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8. Sexy Sharknado: No one will want to bring a chainsaw —

1. Sexy Soup Can: Nothing says sexy like a hot can of soup. In this piece, you will be savoury and delicious. Attract the hungriest by taking it one step further and dressing as Sexy Chunky Soup.

5. Sexy Hockey Player: This costume shows that not only can you play the game, but take all the bumps and bruises that go with it. Do not forget the missing teeth and sweat. These will make or break the costume. Is anything more attractive than body odour and teeth? No. Nothing at all.

2. Sexy Lobster: Lobsters are expensive, elegant, and tasty. Wear a Sexy Lobster costume, and it'll be clear that you are a person of high class who isn’t too uptight.

6. Sexy Toast: You'll be the breadwinner if you choose to dress as Sexy Toast. A healthy breakfast is oh-so-sensual. Step up your costume from crumby to crispy by rolling around in Nutella and peanut butter before showing up at the party.

3. Sexy SpongeBob: Appeal both sexually and nostalgically as the ever-so-sexy SpongeBob SquarePants. Make sure to take some time to perfect that laugh.

7. Sexy Chicken: Not only will you be able to show off your flair with some feathers, you can be the life of the party! Chickens come with a dance that has been passed down through the generations. Just don’t have so much fun that you pop out an egg.

after you charm and attract a “PN ip Wh) 4a as Sexy Sharknado. You will Res a ea, be fierce, and people will find * — ; ij ae you intriguing with a streak of - 2 Va a | Min Se danger. ~~ s 1 e ( &

/ a \ 4 J » = F g. Sexy Olaf: There are ‘Wig 3 S o' ; few costumes cooler than Ze yi ' F y Sexy Olaf. You and bae can : y a

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fantasize over what you will do in summer. This costume will make everyone so hot

for you that you'll be worth melting foro. Sexy Axe:

No, not as a weapon/tree- extracting tool. We mean Sexy Axe Body Spray. One whiff of you and surely everyone at the party will want to be close to you and your decadent aroma.

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