issue 6// vol 45 opinions // no. 17

Letter to the Editor: Have you seen

my keys?

>» Where are they?

Jonathan Elden Worried Reader

D ear the Other Press, I have read your paper for a while now, but there’s one question you have failed to answer: Where are my keys?

I thought I left them in the bathroom, but they're not there. I already checked the key hook, so don’t bother asking. I wouldn't normally ask you; I know youve a very busy newspaper. It’s just that it’s been seven days and I still haven't found them. I’ve looked everywhere. It’s been a full week of looking and phoning and yelling and crying and whispering. It’s been a hell of a time, I tell ya.

It’s just that I used to jangle them all the time. I miss that. And I miss scaring away large birds with them. Those birds would come at me with their large talons all the time. It made sense since I was in their nest collecting their delicious eggs, but they didn’t have to attack me, you know? They saw me in there and they made a choice to attack me instead of calling the police or signing a petition, like the rest of us have to do. Just because they're birds they think they don't have to live by our rules, and that’s not cool. I’ve tried to tell them that, but my attempts just resulted in more bird attacks from them, followed by

more spite omelettes from me.

At first I thought the birds might have taken my keys, but then I realized there’s no way they could have. They probably thought about it, but then realized they had no pockets or key hooks or anywhere to place them.

Anyway, I was hoping you could do some investigative reporting, starting with interviewing the only witnesses of the key’s last whereabouts: My couch, my fridge, and that small stain on my carpet. I’ve tried for hours to get them to talk. I’ve tried every legal interrogation technique in the book before quickly moving on to illegal ones. In the end, I guess I’m glad they aren't really talking, but if they do, they consented to everything. Remember that. Remember who's paying you. Not me, obviously, since it’s hard to keep down a job when you are trapped in your home for a week because you dont have your keys. But someone will pay, someone with money, and they will know me. It'll probably be my mom. You wouldn't want to upset my mom by having me arrested just because I assaulted a couch, do you? Think about that.

So, let me know what you find. Also, last question: Do you do ads? I’m trying to sell a couch. Slightly worn, damp, and cut in half. $500. Thanks.

Looking busy has never been this easy

» The science of pseudoproductivology

Caroline Ho Assistant Editor

ired of trying to pretend youre busy when youre really not?

If you've been grappling for years with the grudging realization that feigning focus requires almost as much concerted effort as actually doing your work, your struggles may soon be over. Top researchers at the Institute for Diurnal Lassitude and Emulation (IDLE) have recently published their findings on the most effective ways to fake it ‘til you make your boss stop watching over your shoulder.

IDLE’s report is an exciting new addition to the ground-breaking discipline of pseudoproductivology, the study of convincing others that you're doing meaningful work while actually getting as little done as possible.

The Other Press spoke with pseudoproductivologist Dr. Laia Z. Ness, one of the report’s lead authors, on what she called the “super-scientific, totally legit phenomenon of Beguilingly Looking Authentically Hardworking, or BLAH.”

“It’s a time-honoured practice, especially in the corporate world. It’s right up there with making up backronyms and coming up with long, clever-sounding words with suffixes that don’t mean anything,” said Dr. Ness.

Along with the standard BuzzFeed-

fodder list of practices—including typing lines of gibberish into a Word document

or hastily Alt-Tabbing into one’s email inbox as soon as someone approaches—the report also analyzes the effectiveness of lesser-known manifestations of BLAH, such as using your desktop icons as a sliding block puzzle or calculating the nutritional values of elaborate recipes on WolframAlpha.

The study was conducted using self-reported answers from over 1,200 participants and promises to be 100 percent unbiased, with only a 97 percent margin of error. The study also reportedly includes dozens of pie charts that completely add to the research’s legitimacy, especially since most of the pie charts appear to be either memes or photos of actual pies.

According to Dr. Ness, this publication will have staggering consequences for society as a whole.

“This isn’t just applicable to office jobs or taking notes during lectures,’ she said. “There are so many situations where it’s important to pretend youre giving someone or something your full attention, even if youre not. Avoiding household chores, avoiding jury duty, completely candid accidental selfies of yourself #workinghardorhardlyworking—there’s always time for more BLAH.”

Dr. Ness continued to detail the utility of IDLE’s research, but partway through

the interview this reporter decided to

start practicing these techniques of pseudoproductivology and stopped paying attention to anything the scientist was saying.

Realizing afterwards that this newspaper story didn’t have enough information, the reporter requested a copy of the IDLE report to pad the rest of the story with randomly chosen scientific-sounding quotes. However, upon receiving the report the Other Press discovered that, instead of text, the research paper was filled with what appeared to be mediocre caricatures of the institute’s lab assistants.

This reporter then gave up and went back to typing lines of gibberish.

Olkvje lak vilkjfas] ijdfs Ikj.

Illustration by Cara Seccafien