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Live Wires

In an effort to provide you with better news coverage and put three writers out of work, The Other Press presents Live Wires, the best news stories from around the world that we could print for pennies on the dollar.

Edited by Liam Britten Humour Editor

Vladimir Putin concedes Russia’s democracy just an elaborate practical joke Confirming what many had suspected for years, newly- re-elected Russian President Vladimir Putin confirmed that his nation’s attempts at democracy were simply a long- running practical joke on the international community, and he felt it had “gone on long enough.”

“Surprise, Western pigs!” he told cheering crowds after his widely-criticized election in a believed to be rigged election. “I mean, how stupid are you? How could anyone believe this was an actual democracy? I mean, I’ve been controlling this government despite not being president for so many years, you'd think someone would have clued in by now.”

Putin’s opponents in the election had to be approved by his government to run in the first place, and true opponents were not allowed to compete.

“Seriously, how did no one get that this wasn’t for real? Come on! You guys are so gullible!”

Putin said the best parts of the joke were that it had true comedic value, totally stood the test of time, and gave him unchallengeable power over a nuclear state with a massive economy and over 150 million people.

—Associated Associates

Canadian Society of Creeps and Weirdos demands an end to blinds in sexy women’s apartments Citing an inability to lecherously watch them in their private hours, the Canadian Society of Creeps and Weirdos (CSCW) demanded that beautiful women whom they could never speak to must remove all blinds and other window coverings in their homes. The CSCW called the visual obscurants

“oppressive.”

“How can we be expected to carry out our normal activities, watching these women undress, following their every move, calling them at all hours of the day when we can’t even watch them from down the street with a high- powered telescope?” CSCW President Spencer Williams told supports at a rally at the BC Legislature in Victoria. “Our right to stalk and harass these women who want nothing to do with us is being trampled on. This is worse than slavery!”

The BC Liberals said they would consider the CSCW’s petition after they had a brief “get to know you” chat at a local courthouse with the society’s members.

— Agence France-Pressed Ham

Denny’s announces new ‘American Salad’

In an effort to encourage healthier eating and provide more choices on their menu, Denny’s Restaurants have announced that their menu will feature a new “American Salad,” which is a mixture of items that they believe are the most vegetable-like things the average American will eat.

The meal is a mixture of cheddar cheese, pats of butter, macaroni, deep-fried zucchini sticks in a rich ranch dressing sauce. The restaurant says its minimal trans-fat content and “non-lethal” salt quotient make it the perfect meal, or a great side for any one of Denny’s traditional meals.

“No one wants to eat rabbit food. We get that,” said spokesperson John Dillon. “This new dish will allow Americans to convince themselves they are eating healthy while destroying their bodies more efficiently than ever before.”

When asked if the dish was truly healthy, Dillon responded, “Of course it is. It’s a salad, isn’t it?”

Denny’s also announced that they will be re-vamping their popular Baconalia promotion with a new one called Baconaliaalia, which will simply be the regular Baconalia dishes served with a side of bacon.

— Canadian Mess

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