oo 2// vol 46

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So you hav

» Oh come on, it’s not so bad!

Craig Allan Contributor

o you have to go to the Douglas College Coquitlam campus for classes.

Sure, the New Westminster campus is more centrally located and has a Pizza Garden nearby, but that doesn’t mean it’s any better than Coquitlam. The David Lam campus has tons of great stuff going for it. No really, I swear!

First, begin your journey taking the SkyTrain all the way to Production Way University. Then enjoy a trip to Sperling- Burnaby Lake as you get on the wrong train, because who actually pays attention when taking public transit?

After a journey much longer than it should be, you finally reach the end of the line where the David Lam campus is located. What’s that feeling in your legs and back? That’s the sensation of walking upright as you will have a barely noticeable slight incline to school, unlike the climbing

expedition you have to take every time you ascend mount Eighth Street. Enjoy that feeling for a couple of minutes, because while there is no hill to climb the Coquitlam campus still has the one thing that binds the institution of Douglas College together—an ass load of stairs! Your first class will provide you with the one advantage Coquitlam has over New Westminster, and that is the view. Where the New Westminster campus gives you boring views of the back side of the Anvil Centre, the David Lam campus gives you stunning views of Town Centre Park and the lush green grounds of Coquitlam. This will make you feel sad that you do not get to enjoy the stunning beauty that is the geography of the Coquitlam campus, as you are stuck in biology class. How ironic. With your classes done why not head down to the library for a study session? Things are going well since the Coquitlam library is great compared to the under-construction status of the New Westminster campus library. Then you get

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a phone call. It’s an urgent call from work. You answer the phone only to be sniped

at by the librarians that say you cannot be on your phone even though you are at the entrance of the library and there is a lot of noise and you are talking in a hushed tone. I don’t see what the big deal is. Why don’t you just let me use my phone!?! What's wrong with that!?! It’s 2019!?! People need their phones as a necessity and... You know what? It’s not that big of a deal. Not that big of a deal.

All this phone drama has made you hungry, but you also feel you haven't stretched your legs enough today. Fulfill both those desires by going to the shady knockoff that is the Tim Hortons stand and enjoy waiting in a 30-minute line with a bunch of students from Pinetree Secondary School. Why don’t they have a line dedicated to the college students since you are paying, like $2,000 to come here and the Pinetree students aren't? Do I look like the Douglas College Student Union? Why are you asking me?

humour // no. 17

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Photo by Billy Bui

| m campus

After buying an eight-dollar scone, you walk around enjoying the modern atrium that doesn't have all that pesky character look that the New Westminster campus has. You realize you have to go to the bathroom. This is a joy at the Coquitlam campus. You can find one washroom, but it’s the opposite of your sex. Where is your designated washroom? On the other side of some wall or classroom. When you finally find it, enjoy sitting on a toilet that will spray water up your butt at least nine times because you dare to break a steady stillness by exhaling.

Your time at the David Lam campus has come to an end. Before you go, enjoy going to one of the two KFC/Taco Bells, three Tim Hortons, or three Starbucks in the area only one SkyTrain stop away in downtown Coquitlam. Meh, might as well just take the train all the way to New Westminster and go to Burger Heaven. Things are better in New Westminster

anyway.

Class roles already set firmly 1n place

» Social ranking is EVERYTHING

Isabelle Orr Contributor

he students of Communications 1m

were dealt a heavy blow when it was revealed that their roles within the class were solidified for the upcoming semester.

“This isn’t how I wanted to spend the next four months, but I guess the choice was mine to make,” Alex Jurgens, Class Clown, said to Other Press reporters at a press release. “I didn’t help myself by coming in nine minutes late and saying, “What up, playboy’ to my professor.”

“Tm happy with my social standing,” Simone Beauchemin, the Hottest Girl in Class, said as she flipped her silky-smooth hair over her shoulder. “Personally, I think the roles fit everyone super well.”

Though the students had only attended one class together, they were told that their positions were permanent, and would remain in each student’s mind long after the class finished.

“I didn’t think that my natural aptitude for grandiose words and my inability to read social situations would result in being labelled as the Class Nerd,” said Chelsea Reed, pushing her glasses up her nose. “I don’t see how this is fair or just.”

“I'm like, totally cool with it,” Jason McLeod, Jock Who Every Guy Wants to Be and Every Straight Girl Wants to Be With said. “Between school and practice, life can get pretty confusing. I like how this is one absolute that I can totally abide by.”

“Man, Simone is really hot,’ McLeod added. “Do you think I have a chance to get with her?”

Richard Sawyer, the Professor Who Seems Crabby But Has a Heart of Gold, isn’t surprised by the outcome.

“If you've taught as much as I have— over twenty years—you get pretty good at determining what roles people will play,” he said, looking covertly at a tintype photograph of his wife who had sadly passed away from breast cancer (which

students will discover as they slowly break through Sawyer’s tough exterior). “Call me traditional, but I think I’m going to have an initially troublesome but ultimately rewarding experience teaching Alex Jurgens.”

Other Press reporters learned through a class survey that although the students are strangers to each other, they expect that Communications 11 would help them make friendships and relationships that would last a lifetime—possibly altering their life paths forever.

“We're all so different now,’ Katie Peters, Peppy Keener, said as she gazed fondly at the empty classroom. “But by the end of the semester... Who knows? Maybe we just might surprise you.”

“I wanted to be the cool film guy,” Jurgens said. “I wonder if it’s too late to transfer into another class?”

Reporters noted that if Chelsea Reed took her glasses off and pulled her hair back, she could give Simone Beauchemin a run for her money.

Photo by Luci Correia on Flickr