© Opinions

the other press e Herry€vans e

May 2003

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Broad’s Eye View

J.A.L. = Op Columnist

Hello possums. This is my anniversary issue. It was one year ago that the first Broad’s Eye View was published and here I sit with no cake—not even a bloody balloon. Well fortunately, I’m accustomed to celebrating alone. Or is that drinking alone? No matter. I suppose I should take a moment to reflect... Okay, there goes 30 seconds of my life, I'll never recover. Basically, it’s been fun. And to anyone who bothers to read this column, good on ya. You are like- ly fabulously attractive and great fun at parties. If I could, I would gather all four of you close to my bosom and show my appreciation. But, really I haven't large enough breasts and let’s face it—that would just be weird.

The past year has sped by. Except for a plethora of new reality television shows, a war and the fact that I’ve lost ten pounds, it’s been uneventful. To keep myself entertained, I’ve turned to online smut. I spend upwards of eight hours a day on a computer, supposedly working. To keep sane I check my email every 30 seconds, harass people on MSN Messenger and cruise for porn. During my cyber travels, I have learned a few valuable lessons. Here’s a good one—dont click on any button that offers free passwords into a porn site. I spent an afternoon feverishly battling pop-ups on the OP computer, terrified another staffer was going to walk in and find me sitting in front of a monitor sparkling with donkey sex. Not fun.

I’ve also become much more of a discerning smut aficionado. I quickly tired of the slabs of super-tanned flesh spreading their industry-groomed wares. I ran into a lot of crazy shit too. There’s this one site where these creepy guys wearing nothing but construction boots defecate into the mouths of elderly women. I would like very much to send my eyeballs and my psyche out to the cleaners. It haunts me still. And truly, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There are a lot of sickos out there. I mean, I often feel like I’m a bit of degenerate, but a dip into the online cess pool of porno and I’m lily-white purity in com- parison.

So, why am I telling you this? Of course anyone with access to a computer and a sex-drive has had similar experiences; I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. I simply want to help you navigate the sleaze a bit.

There really is some palatable smut out there. I have my favourites. <www.SuicideGirls.com> is a great site with gorgeous girls. I guess I like it, because first of all, the women are so very lovely to look at and secondly, they aren't all caramelized and fuzzy. These are real women and they are hot. They don't have that “oh no, I’m being fucked” look on their faces either. Ranging from all-out tough sexy to innocent and pretty—the Suicide Girls provide a nice curvy place to rest on the bobbing sea of filth out there.

Another site I love is <www.RetroRaunch.com>. This site satisfies the voyeur and the vintage junkie in me. I find I identify with the bodies of the women on this site, more than I do with the buff and tanned physiques of modern cheesecake. There is something kind of innocent about most of the pictures, even when the subject is two scantily clad women spanking each other. Check it out and I think you'll understand what I mean.

Finally, as far as naughty web journals go—the Dirty Whore Diary <www.dirtywhore.blogspot.com> tickles my fancy and keeps me coming back

for more. Delightfully candid, unapologetically dirty and really quite a turn on —this self-professed dirty whore’s words impress me. I won't bother explain-

ing—it’s best you just follow the link. The Dirty Whore really says it best.

Why all the porno talk? I dunno, guess it’s on the brain lately. And I feel if you're interested, you should take my advice and bypass some of the shite out there and check out what I find to be enjoyable. You can feel free to disagree with me. Get on your knees and pray for me or consider me a prude and scur- ry off to your bookmarked Tiny Teens site. The choice is yours.

Oh and I just love the word “Porno.” Much better than “Porn” or “Pornography.” "Porno" just sounds so 70s cheese. Especially when used in a grammatically incorrect fashion. Instead of “I heart Porn,” try “I heart Porno.” Isn't that fun?

Looking forward to another year with y'all. *swak* Send your warm fuzzies and cold pricklies to: <broadeyeview@hotmail.com>.

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