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“Salty” Liam Britten

saltyliam@ gmail.com

Lawyer's Humorous T-Shirt Fails to Win Over Judge

“Sa Ity” Liam Britten

resident all-star

NEW WESTMINSTER, BC— During closing statements on behalf of his client in a divorce case, defence lawyer Timothy Hamilton’s case rapidly fell apart on him when his strategy of using a clever t-shirt did not impress presiding justice Nicole Garson.

Hamilton, a lawyer of 16 years, in the midst of summing up his defence case, felt that his summary needed “a little sparkle.” In the past, Hamilton has brought a young crying child or a cuddly puppy to court to appeal to judges, but he had decided that he needed “a new angle.”

“Theoretically, it should have worked,” Hamilton told the Other Press. “I mean, in Morgentaler et. al. v. Her Majesty The Queen in 1988, defence lawyer Sam Hagan managed to win over the Supreme Court with knock-knock jokes. I thought this t-shirt I bought would’ ve killed.”

However, the t-shirt was completely ineffective. Purchased on the popular website

- snorgtees.com, the shirt featured a picture of a covered

wagon, with the caption “You have died of dysentery,” a reference to the classic computer game Oregon Trail.

“I don’t get it,” Justice Garson told Hamilton at the shirt’s unveiling. “Are you implying that I am of advanced age by the covered wagon? Or are you saying I am of ill health?”

“Of course not, Magistrate,” a flustered Hamilton replied. “It’s from Oregon Trail. Remember that computer game from the 80’s? Oregon Trail?”

“Why would I know what that is?” an annoyed Garson retorted. “I was 50 at the end of the 80’s, I don’t play computer games, and why the hell would anyone even remember some stupid computer game from almost 30 years ago? This court rules in favour of the plaintiff. Mr. Hamilton, your client is ordered to pay alimony and child support.”

Hamilton’s client, Georg Kranski, is “extremely disappointed” in that his lawyer’s ehotee- of -basing-based the case on a shirt. Kranski has told the Other Press that he and Hamilton had clashed over the particulars of his defence.

“To be frank, I don’t think I'll be hiring Mr. Hamilton again,” Kranski said in an interview. “For one thing, I would’ve gone with the one about the two nuns who walked into the bar; that joke cracks me

”

up.

Timmy Peters Wins First Grade Election Primary in Surprise Landslide

By “Salty” Liam Britten

WASHINGTON, DC—An election shocker unfolded

last Thursday as Timmy Peters of the Broccoli is Stupid Party pulled off a stunning comeback to win the First Grade primary in his quest to become Class President at Lafayette Elementary School.

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Peters, 6, stunned analysts and pundits who had written him off after he had failed to make

~ 4 any headway in the Kindergarten primary, and

accidentally called his teacher “Mommy” a few days earlier.

“First graders, thank you very much for voting for me,” Peters said in his victory speech to napping supporters. “With your help, I will make it to Class President, and will use my power to make Principal [Gail Lynn] Main eat doody, because she smells bad and is stupid.”

The Peters campaign had run into trouble earlier this week. After the Kindergarten primary, Peters showed uncharacteristic emotion when he cried during recess after his juice got knocked over. “People think that elections are about voting and stuff, but it’s not,” he said teary-eyed. “It’s about stuff like, I dunno, it’s about, uh, it’s like picking who’s best at things.”

However, Peters did have several advantages going in to the First Grade primary; Peters has always polled very favourably with students who like Yu-Gi-Oh, and he pulled fellow candidate Becky Smith’s hair on Tuesday, which has been described by classmates as “awesome.”

Smith, who placed a dismal fourth in the

primary, has never been popular with first graders. Focus groups have reported that she is “a fatty”, who may or may not like Alex O. Her fourth-place finish is even more disappointing as she had given away half a box of cookies to win votes, as opposed to Peters’ mere two packs of “Dunk-A-Roos.”

On the other side of the election, Wanda Tsu of the More Tag at Recess Party maintained her momentum and took the primary victory on her party’s side.

Tsu has always been popular to first graders for beating up Tom Feingold, sharing during playtime, and her support of decreasing government regulations in the energy and mining sectors.

“Government shouldn’t take money at the gas station, that’s what my daddy says,” Tsu told reporters at her election HQ at the monkey bars. “He also say that mommy is a liar because she take money from him too.”

Tsu’s victory additionally prompted fellow More Tag party candidate Donald Berg to drop out of the race. His party has stated that this loss, coupled with fundraising issues and the fact that he wet his pants at lunch have contributed to the decision.