Humour.

Flying High: Air Canada voted top airline in Canada

By Eric Wilkins, Chief Sub-Par something that the airline has been In order to help its image as the future is finally looking bright Airline Correspondent notorious for. having slightly rude employees, for the often beleaguered airline. “We have come to realize that the airline has supplied its staff “We fully realize that we he people have spoken. Ina people really don’t appreciate it with special injections. While have not been the ideal national survey taken by the Canadian when their luggage doesn’t arrive technically a toxin, the Botox-like airline in the past, but we’re doing Raters of Airline Performance — on time [or at all]. With this in solution forces the face to resemble — everything we can to change that. (CRAP), Air Canada miraculously mind, there were significant efforts | something similar toasmile. After All we ask for is a little patience.” came out on top. this year to make progress in that a brief (presumably successful) The survey statistics were While the survey did place a area.” investigation by Health Canadaas based on Yellowknife, Northwest strong emphasis on improvement Among the significant efforts to the possible side-effects of the Territories, respondents contacted from previous years’ grades, the was the implementation of anew substance, the federal government — between 3 a.m. and 5 a.m., during federally subsidized airline’s baggage system. Instead of blindly —_ footed the bill for the weekly September of 2011. representatives were nonetheless flinging luggage onto the plane, injections. ecstatic with the results. Air Canada employees are now “Service with a smile always “We feel we've really been required to observe the flight of the leads to a happy customer. We’re taking off lately in our customer luggage at least until it reaches its just trying to ensure that all our service. It was only a matter of highest point. customers are happy.” time before the public started to In a short telephone interview, There are also rumoured to be take notice,” said Air CanadaCEO _ Vector was posed the question of plans to install televisions in all Victor Vector. whether this was really a viable seats on all planes by 2024, and to Perhaps the most remarkable solution. update all safety equipment within statistic that CRAP revealed was “You can’t argue with results, the next five years. With the many the steep decline in luggage lost, can you?” changes taking place at Air Canada,

want to know what you want to do to that classmate who sits in front of v you in your accounting class! 0) (°) Q

Cancer (6/22-7/22)

Here’s some emotions you can do 7 without: love and friendship. They Stuck in traffic

will only hurt you in the long run.

Capricorn (12/22-1/19) Today you will awake to find yourself in South Africa. I figured it My manager is waving at me ; ; (7/23-8/22) was time for you to experience some . . from two cars ahead. There are forces in the air that

foreign vou there. I drugged you and will help you with your work; Guess she won’t mind if I’m late.

unfortunately you seem to be repelling them.

By Jenn Markham

Leo

Parking lot is an understatement.

Even parked cars move faster than this. This Friday of the long weekend can kiss my ass.

Aquarius

(1/20-2/18)

Don’t you find that you’re more motivated to work while being chained to a desk in a tank full of rats? Studies have shown that worker productivity increases that way.

Virgo

(8/23-9/22)

For God’s sake, slow down! Do you know how many people you've hit with your car today?

“T wanna soak up the sun I wanna tell everyone to lighten up-*

Libra

(9/23-10/22)

Today, you will sleep the whole day away. You also haven't started the research paper that’s due tomorrow.

Pisces

(2/19-3/20)

Good News! Your car just exploded! Aries

(3/21-4/19)

Having an open mind is good; you'll be able to think of new and creative ways to kill your enemies.

My windshield wipers are on the “spastic” setting.

Baldy in the red sports car

is picking his nose.

Really badly.

Have at ‘er old fart!

Pay for your Hummer in gold!

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) Your internal fire will be put out

Taurus today by some very bad news. You Bleach blondie in the unidentifiable beater will never become a rock star.

(4/20-5/20) is giving the trucker her number.

Today, you will find that you can But I’m no closer to being marginally entertained. absorb other people’s energy. Guess that explains why there’s so many people passed out in the hallways.

Sagittarius

(11/22-12/21)

Finally, your plan of world domination is almost complete. You just need to get a giant laser gun, a lair, and a mind control device.

Thad a thought, but it left.

“Feet on ground, heart in hand

Gemini facing forward be yourself..”

(5/21-6/21)

Keep your thoughts away from me! The power of planets has granted me the ability to read minds and I don’t

22

With files from Livia Turnbull. Myself or otherwise, I’m still late for work.