Letter to the Editor: Cannibalism 1s fine

> An argument for eating each other

Klara Woldenga
Humour Editor

 

L 2 I’ve been hearing a lot of
opposition in regards to allowing
people to eat other people. The question
gets tossed around a lot: If you had the
opportunity, without any consequence,
would you eat a person? In underground
forums I visit dedicated to connecting
florescent crab wig enthusiasts from
across the globe, the question of
cannibalism is asked every six months or
so. Usually, both sides of the argument
are properly represented but, in the past
year or so, I have noticed a dramatic
lean to one side—the side that would
not only refuse to eat people, but also
shame others who would eat people if
given the chance. I feel it’s finally my
time to come out of the woodwork, as
I firmly believe in cannibalism, and
would go so far to say that it would
solve a lot of the world’s problems.

If we look at the media for five
minutes we learn three things: We
hate each other, we objectify each
other, and we are angrier on an empty
stomach. I feel exercising cannibalism
has a stronger argument if we keep

these factors in mind. I’m not
suggesting we eat people we like;
that’s stupid. I’m suggesting we
simply stick to eating people
that we hate and don’t see as
people anyway: Cooperate
executives, politicians, or
upstairs neighbors that

refuse to turn their stereo

down despite our constant
requests. That way, we don't feel
bad when we eat them, instead
we ll actually feel a lot better.

If you're concerned about how
to catch your next meal, I wouldn't
worry about that either. People
sit around all the time—a lot
of us barely exercise.

We're full of

   
  
    
 
    
  
   
 

delicious fat and can't
run very fast, and thus
we're very easy to catch.
I would advise against
using any artificial
weapons though—
That’s cheating. We
should stick to basic
rules if we want
cannibalism to work:
No artificial weapons,
no poisons, and always
remember to have fun.
This argument
for cannibalism is also
not a binary one: We
wouldn't either eat
all or nothing of
a person. We
would be
allowed to
take single
bites of
people.
It is my
expert,
non-medical
opinion that
one single bite of
a person could keep you

Illustration by Max Foss

going for several hours, energy-wise. |
would also not worry about that person
getting angry at you for just taking
a single bite out of them; people are
looking at their phones all the time, so
no one will notice if you take a nibble
out of their arm when you're hungry.
Before my word count runs out, I
would like to address a concern that
gets expressed to me whenever I discuss
my point of view: What do we do with
the vegetarians, vegans, or people
who would simply refuse to eat people
when the law is enforced at gun point?
First off, vegans and vegetarians don't
exist, and are simply a creation of the
media, just like CrossFit and eggnog
(CrossFit is physically impossible, and
eggnog is simply too thick for human
consumption, wake up people). It’s
not possible to abstain from eating
other living things and survive or be
happy. Second, people who don’t want
to eat people simply haven't heard my
argument. I can’t be everywhere at
once—that’s a lot of pressure—but, we'll
get there. Until then, you can help take
a bite out of cannibal discrimination by
signing the pro-cannibalism petition
at: http://www.eatyourheartout.com.

‘The suburban '90s moms were right’

> Magic: Gathering, Dungeons and Dragons actually ‘super evil’

Greg Waldock
Staff Writer

 

I? a surprise twist last Monday,
tabletop gaming giant Wizards of
the Coast announced that Magic: The
Gathering, Dungeons and Dragons,
and countless other products were
designed to summon demons into
the homes of customers everywhere.
Suspected by suburban moms, orthodox
church pastors, and Fox News since
the 1990s, it has now been revealed
that the games do in fact contain
hidden messages, depictions of blood
rituals, the number of the beast,
and other satanic references in an
attempt to appease Lucifer himself.
Wizards of the Coast’s founder,
Peter Adkison, confessed this shocking
revelation when confronted by a
concerned citizen on live television

 

demanding to know why 20-sided
dice look vaguely like pentagrams.

“Whoops! Ya got me,” said Adkison.
“We were totally into the whole
Satan thing for a while there. I just
really hate non-Catholic churches,
small towns, and nuclear families.”

He then rolled his eyes back and
began chanting Latin backwards,
vindicating fear mongers everywhere.
Satan, an avid member of the MTG
tournament community, leapt from his
table during his match and immediately
began possessing children across North
America, forcing them to murder, steal,
blaspheme, and play blue mill decks.

The crisis stopped when a
concerned citizen, Carol Lahey,
splashed holy water on Adkison, and
then gave an impassioned speech on
the dangers of “Oriental occultism.”
Adkison, defeated, went home to plot
the next decade of diabolical scheming.

In an interview after the fact, Adkison
said, “I just have no idea how people
didn’t see it before. Did no one read
the chapter of the Bible that explicitly
warns about pentagrams, the number
666, witchcraft, and communism?”
Wizards of the Coast will suffer
no legal repercussions, as it’s not
technically a crime to summon
the Prince of Darkness, but Satan
himself was disqualified from his
tournament for vaporizing a judge.
The dangers of Satanism in gaming
have been known since the late 1980s,
when fantasy games began drawing on
artwork and characters from European
interpretations of non-monotheistic
religions as a way of conveying fear
and danger to players. At least, that’s
what the world at large thought, until
the events of that fateful Monday. After
Adkison’s public attempt to destroy
the moral fabric of America, Wizards

of the Coast quickly confessed with
a prepared apology, stating that the
original Magic: The Gathering rule book
was discovered in 1984 soaked in goat
blood underneath an Irish monastery.
“We thought it was written in
an ancient form of Gaelic, but it
turns out Banding was just really
complicated,” the company revealed.
Marilyn Manson, members of
Metallica, and other representatives
of the metal community issued
a statement saying they were
“disappointed that the brilliant
‘turn people into Satanists through
children’s card games using imagery
never associated with the Devil until
after World War 2’ plan somehow
didn’t work,” but stated that “We’ve
still got big plans for pure, hapless
Middle America. All metal albums this
year come with a free upside-down
cross and a pack of tarot cards!”

Photo illustration by Lauren Kelly