Negotiations Continue to Hold Up Labour: Children refuse to cross picket line Erin McCracken and Derek Mann have broken off, and a return to the bargaining table seemed unlikely last Wednesday. The breakdown may pave the way for more labour unrest and job action. Currently fighting over potential names for their overdue twin girls, the lines have been drawn in the sand: McCracken, 28, wants edgy and strong names to symbolize her rise in the adver- tising ranks at local firm Wexler, Wombat, & Associates, while Mann, 32, is looking for more ancestral names that pay hom- age to his family lineage. “T really thought the offer I tendered was reasonable and fair,’ McCracken said, from room 4420 at Royal Columbian Hospital—ground zero of the recent strike. “I’ve maintained all along that there was no way I’d go for any of his family heritage suggestions, that it had to be a mutual agreement between Derek and me. “He rejected it, claiming that it was important to carry on the memory of his late Great Aunt. Great Aunt? I mean, what the hell is that anyways? I had a cool cousin, but you don’t see me naming my kids after him. Besides, his name wasn’t freaking Mary-Beth.” Countered Mann, “We're having twins. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that I get to name one of them at least.” McCracken and Mann dated for three years, a period that saw a steady diet of neglect, distance, and no increases in nights out. The two broke up over two years ago, and have not had a working relationship since, save for the odd fall- back fling. “It’s certainly a strange situation, but by no means unique, and we'll make it work for the children?’ McCracken said. “When it happened, when we got togeth- er, I was just feeling a little lonely and wanted attention, I hadn’t been on a date March 9/2005 with a man in months. I guess you could say that I’'d been on zero man-dates, and zero man-dates are pathetic and unbear- able.” Labour talks have reached an impasse in the ongoing mediation between the two parents, with no end in sight. The two sides are currently arguing over the merits of McCracken’s choice, Madison, and Mann’s Mary-Beth. While the two sides hammer out an agreement, or talk about hammering out an agreement, or pretend News to Peruse, Amuse, and Confuse Brandon Ferguson, Fake News Editor Caught in the middle of this labour strife is—no, not the children—but the hospital and its staff. “Every time they [McCracken and Mann] get close to reaching a deal, and we induce labour, one of them will have a fit and Ms. McCracken will just stop and cease labour. She’s done this four times now,” said Dr. Charles Hesttin, a cardio- vascular surgeon speaking on behalf of Royal Columbian. “We have a number of staff who to talk about hammering out an agree- ment, the twins have been stuck in limbo—a virtual sac of amniotic fluid-like limbo. The twins, as yet unnamed, have refused to cross the picket-line threshold until a deal is reached. It is believed that McCracken is seek- ing a guaranteed Madison with an increased interest in April. Mann is fixed on Mary-Beth, though further details are limited. “Due to the sensitive nature of these negotiations, it is best to keep that kind of information private at this time,” said Mann’s best friend and spokesperson, Tom Barnes. “By the very tenuous nature of these things, releasing any information could be detrimental to the process of getting an agreement in place. “Which is of paramount importance,” he added. “This is, after all, for the chil- dren.” come in to deliver the twins: a pediatri- cian, two nurses, the Ob-gyn. And the poor midwife has to travel in from Chilliwack every time Ms. McCracken goes in to labour,” he said. “Then she'll just announce that ‘labour’s not happen- ing today’ and everyone has to go home and there’s nothing we can do about it. “It’s been endlessly disruptive, and all she’s doing is preventing the children from getting out and on with their lives. “And it’s important that we do what’s right for the children,” he added. Naturally, money has become a major issue in this ongoing battle. Mann has requested reimbursement for his mount- ing parking tolls, claiming his “dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.” McCracken refuses to eat the hospital food and has demanded better food benefits, on par with those received by movie stars and Emeril Live audience members. Dr. Hesttin characterized the demand www.theotherpress.ca 5 x as “ludicrous.” “We can’t pay for people’s parking, and we aren't going to give preferred treat- ment to anyone for anything—food or otherwise,” he said during a break in sur- geries. “This is supposed to be a moment of great importance and wonder, the birth of a child into the living world, and this settlement can’t wait any longer. They must deliver an agreement soon, for the future health of the children.” Responded Mann, “We’d be financial- ly ruined by the current cost of giving birth. Parking rates are rising faster than inflation, and our dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to. They must cave to our demands in order to ensure the future welfare of the children.” With seemingly little reason for opti- mism, the hospital has been forced to call in a third-party mediator. Though Minister of All Things Maternal, Mother Goose, was unavailable, she did send her right-hand woman, Deputy Daisy Duck. “T have sent Ms. Duck in on a fact- finding mission,’ Minister Goose said, by way of a press release. “She will look around, see what advice she can offer, and report back to my office with her findings.” “Any suggestions she does make, though,” Goose added, “will of course be made with the children’s best interests in mind.” Both sides seemed optimistic that the mother-sent mediator would lead to a quick and timely resolution. McCracken announced that she would no longer stop labour, while Mann conceded to forego any plans to name the children after deceased relatives. “Tt’s a positive step forward and a real- ly good sign when both sides are willing to sit down and talk,” Deputy Duck said. “I think we’re a lot closer to a resolution today than we were last week. “And of course, now the children have a chance of making it out on time without the fear of being held back a year.” At press time, McCracken was going in to labour as word leaked of a possible deal. According to sources, McCracken got her choice of Madison, while a com- promise was struck to settle on Marilyn as the second name. Both parties seemed upbeat, as the hospital support staff final- ly got back to the work of delivering the children into the world. Right after a 15-minute coffee break.