What you should know about your family. ANNETTE MARTIN Bet you think the old parental units are missing you. After all, you're the one living away from home, having a good time, partying on weekends, losing sleep Sunday nights while you finish assignments that are due Monday morning. What could your family possibly be enjoying that could compete with your great new life? For those who haven't lived away from home before, here’s a quick run-down on why your folks sound so incredibly cheerful when you call them these days—before you For all you students who are never going back home (at least, t’s the plan...) SOMEONE WHO’S NOT 8. ANNETTE What your family should know about you: The only reason you miss your 7. family is that they paid for things; 6. now that you're on your own there's barely enough money to pay the bills, let alone pay them on time. Perhaps you can-hire your Mum to budget your time, your paycheque and your student loan. As for the partying your parents claim you're doing...tv movie on in the background as you study hardly qualifies as the alcohol-soaked 5. Top Ten reasons you re better off on your own 10. Just when did you buy that car- ton of milk anyways...and do you really need to pay attention to that “best before” date? 9. The only groceries in the fridge are the leftovers you took from ...yet more Top Ten Lists Top Ten signs that you're ‘Goth’ IDAVID ALEXANDER HE GATEWAY (UNIVERSITY OF ALBERTA) 10. You buy black make-up at Costco. - You only answer to the name Heccubus. . You had to get glasses as a result of studying by candle light. . Cars keep hitting you at night. . You had to quit being friends with someone because they smiled. . People borrow your clothes for funer- als. . Chronic depressives tell you to lighten the fuck up. . Others dress like you for Halloween. - You never have to separate your laun- dry. - Someone tells you that you look like death warmed over and you thank them. your parents’ Sunday dinner last week. It was...meatloaf and mashed potatoes...What’s a vegetable? you can afford to put $10 gas into the car to get to school for two more days. voicemail—you shoulda known not to share a mailbox—but it’s not like you can afford one of your own. I mean $5.95! That's the same price as a beer!?! does neither well, but it’s half the price, which means an extra box of macoroni & cheese... soirees your folks are imagining. 4. Only cold water? When was the What could compete with thei great last time you paid hydro? new life? A life, maybe..... 3. You've got two free hours Thursday morning to do laun- dry—and if you put my sociology textbook in the laundry basket it wont be too heavy to carry to the laundromat across the street...(as your arms rip off and you fall over—your clothes are now extra bloody, which means more soap, dammit!) tell them you're coming home for a visit that is. ° 7" Ten reasons for par- ents to enjoy the ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’ 10. Milk and orange juice cartons remain unsullied by human mouths. 9. Food remains in the fridge two days after grocery shopping. 8. The car doesn’t need to be filled with gas every two days. 7. The car keys are always where Mom or Dad left them. 6. That desperate need for ‘Call-Waiting’ is just a distant memory, and voice mail is easily retrieved. well, this is pretty much everything...everything important that is Okay, if you don't eat this week Forgot the keys—where's the car? Your roomate's been deleting your 2-in-I shampoo-plus-conditioner Top Ten signs that you're not as cool as you think you are ANNETTE MarTIN (NOT FROM THE GATEWAY) 2. 8am Saturday morning the young family upstairs vaccums and watch- es cartoons at top volume. Too bad, this weekend you're too weak from puking, with a nasty wine cooler hangover, to complain. Ow. 1. You left without paying your tab at “Clancy's” —if you go back, you'll be using $300 of that stu- dent loan to keep Nick the bouncer from breaking the two fingers you use to type-up your term papers. Perhaps you should move back home, it'd free up a few days of the week; the time you're digging for gro- cery money outta the cracks in the couch; the time you spend walking to the “free” parking seven blocks away from the college; those two hours a week you spend using all eight machines at the laundromat to do laundry—wait, maybe you should just stop doing laundry altogether... Living on your own isnt all it’s cracked up to be, but at least you get to eat your own cooking....macaroni and cheese eight meals a week,..yummy. 5. The contents of shampoo and condi- tioner bottles don't disappear down the drain and need to be replenished every week. 4. The paint on the bathroom walls does- nt peel from sauna-like, hour-long show- ers. as Laundry machines only need to run once a week. 2. Earplugs are no longer a necessary part of home's dress code. But the very best reason of all...? LBC: Hydro and B.C. Gas give massive rebates on the much-reduced electricity and natural gas bills. So, don’t forget that the length of a college 10. It amazes you, in this day and age, the number of women/men whose number you ask for who don't have a phone! 9. The back window of your vehicle has a “No Fear” decal on it. 8. Your wardrobe can be summed up in three letters: N.W.O. 7. You maintain your own website, which contains mostly doctored photos of yourself and the Spice Girls. 6. It’s hard to explain, but you really, really like beads. 5. A typical Friday night consists of chugging Club and stealing mail. 4. Short hair, long in back. 3. You've added an ass-ring to your collection of piercings. 2. Your student LD. says Reverend Tom. Wait. That means you are cool. 1. No matter how many times you watch Titanic on video, you can't help but bawl when Leo drowns. Or... la. You are so devoid of imagination, you resort to stealing Top Ten lists from other university newspapers, changing one line, and claim- ing it as your own. the universe, and everything semester is plenty of time for sneaky old folks to call the real estate agent, move into an RV and abandon the old homestead— leaving no forwarding address. The Empty Nest Syndrome isn’t what it used to be—now it's fun! Sure Copy Attn: !!! Students Special offer with Student ID * Copies—self-service 06 cents ¢ Colour Laser Copies 60% off © Colour Laser transparencies 40% off © Cerlox Binding For Presentations 50% off Fax, desktop publishing, typesetting FINALLY WE MEET Cer aaa a Oe The Other Press November 111998 Page 7