issue 29 // volume 42

humour // no. 23

 

Douglas’ declassified
school survival guide

> How to survive the summer semester

Mercedes Deutscher
News Editor

 

Ithough most students are
lucky enough to escape the
cruel grasp of Douglas College
between the months of May and
August, a few unlucky students
are left trapped upon the high
hills of New Westminster and in
the distant lands of Coquitlam.
Being in school during the
summer semester can be scary.
Long gone are the convenient
meals of the cafeteria, replaced
by barren silence and hunger.
The professors that remain are
devoid of care and unforgiving,
looking to prey on those with
the lowest GPA. The fountains
return, posing a drowning hazard
to the less aquatically inclined.
In such a jungle, how could
a student hope to survive?
Thankfully, a very friendly
campus publication—that
still publishes in the summer
ona reduced schedule—
has compiled a list of all
techniques needed to survive.
Asmart summer student
never comes to school without
basic breaking-and-entering
skills. When the cafeteria is
closed, one must take their
hunger into their own hands.
Perhaps that high-achieving
Winter student got so focused
on their finals that they left
their sandwich unattended in
their locker. Although not ideal,
breaking into the locker could be
the difference between life and

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that comes with the realization
that this semester will amount
to nothing more than time
that could have been spent
working or going on vacation,
and instead you're stuck in a
dark and dismal campus during
a dark and dismal semester.
Readjusting to civilization
once the Fall semester returns
may be rough for students
hardened by the unforgiving
wilderness of the summer
semester. One must resist the
urge to chase new students across
the concourse with a stick, or to
over-feast on Triple O’s after a
summer of starvation. However,
like the injured pigeon, college
students must too be reunited
with their own kind after the
healing process has taken place.

death. Another nutrient-rich area
may be the offices of vacationing
professors. All professors
eat almonds. All of them.

Shelter is the next critical
matter. Ever spend 15 minutes
in the Fall semester doing
the lockdown drill? While
the procedure may be useful
for campus intruders, it also
proves a handy skill when
barricading yourself in a
classroom for four months.

Being trapped in the school
during the summer can lead to
desperation and loneliness. One
may attempt to mate with an old
videocassette in the library or
cuddle with a soft chair. These
futile efforts will do nothing
to help you ignore the growing
void of nihilism and emptiness

 

 
     
  

Why doesn't anyone
trust me on here?

 

 

I

by David Manky, Senior Columnist

 

 

Photo Illustration

Life after Trump

Nation

> Diary entry, June 23, 2019, or

TrumpYear 2.124.1

Joseph Everett
Concerned Canadian

 

[ has been roughly two years
since the Great Downfall,
though it is only ever called

that in hushed voices among
trustworthy friends.

Donald Trump rose to
power at the head of the
strongest nations in the world
after a devastating victory over
Hillary Clinton, and since then
the world has been crumbling.

Many Americans fled the
nation, crossing their northern
border to the sanctuary of
Canada. Ma and Pa took a
few in every now and then,
fed them, let them shower
before they continued on
their way, ever northward,
away from their lost country.
Their forgotten dreams.

Pa and Ma have been
fighting again. They say
we should go as well. I ask
them where but they just
look at me, sadness filling
their once shining eyes.

The television says that
Trump has been joking about
running for election in Canada.
Ma says that it is impossible,
but we have seen firsthand
the impossibilities that have
come from Trump’s joking.

We live near the border,
and our nights are filled with
the sounds of helicopters flying
by, hammers on steel as the new
wall is erected, a smaller cousin
to the one that Trump had been
building during the first year
of his reign. The one across
the Mexican border was built

to keep people out, the one up
here is meant to keep them in.

To leave by boat or plane
is folly as well, or Trump has
ordered that any unauthorized
transport be shot down or sunk,
and it is said that if you do
make it far enough, the United
Nations have set up blockades
in both the sea and the sky.

No word has been heard
from any countries across
the oceans, as a firewall has
been put up on the Internet to
act as its own wall, shielding
those outside of it from the
madness kept within.

Unfortunately for Canada,
we were seen as America’s
closest allies, and the electronic
Trump quarantine has been
placed over us as well. Pa says
not to worry, that the good man
Justin is doing all he can to
convince the world that while
we live above Trump’s America,
we do not stand beside him.
But it is rumoured that he has
been greeted only by silence.

The other night, some
refugees came by my school.
One seemed to have been
driven to insanity, the
other holding him away
from the children.

“Run!” he had yelled, to
no one in particular. They
went along their way, heads
down, feet plodding ever
forward. From his ramblings
I gathered that they were
heading to Alaska, and
then, presumably, Russia.

The last escape from
a Trump-torn world.

The Bering Strait.