OTHER NEWS

Insufficient funds mean big shortcomings for Olympics

By Siavash Emamzadeh

he construction of venues will be
To but expect some major
changes to plans for the 2010 Vancouver
Olympics.
Mayor Gregor Robertson announced
that despite a hefty loan from the provincial
government, costs for the Olympics exceed
the available budget. Given that there was no
financial assistance in the allotted time, the city
had to turn to an emergency plan.
“Since the federal government didn’t fork
over the dough, I had to sit down and think of
a plan B,” said Robertson. “First of all, let me

make it clear that if that weasel Harper snubs us
again, say for a Summer Olympics, I’m putting
in my vote for British Columbian sovereignty.
Secondly, I’ve decided to use the money we have
now for necessities and cut back on trivial facets
of the events.”

Trivial facets such as event security and
food availability are examples of aspects that
will see change. Police officers will be replaced
by mall security from shopping centers in BC
and Alberta. They will be equipped with lethal
snowballs that have rocks in the middle and will
wear balaclavas to blend in and be discreet.

On the slopes, instead of snowmobiles and
skiing equipment, they will get around using

second hand sleds. The circumstances of uphill
and platform pursuits were too expensive to
account for.

“It’s like, so cool,” said 19-year-old mall
security guard, Tim Treston. “This totally rocks;
I get to miss school because I conned my prof.
I’m like, ‘Yo, bro, this is for work experience, so
I can’t make it to class.””

Attempting to retract his comments, he then
said, “Hey, um, is this gonna be online? ‘Cause I
was just kidding.”

Furthermore, spectators are encouraged to
bring their own beverages.

The province’s premier, Gordon Campbell,
offered to bring drinks for the festivities, saying,

“I couldn’t help but feel sorry for our beloved
Vancouver, so I’ll be more than glad to supply
the liquor—and I nominate myself to be the
bartender.”

Mayor Robertson also proposed some big
changes to the participating sports. For example,
curling stones will be replaced by small marbles
and in luge, the luges will be replaced by tires.
Furthermore, in most cases, foam rubber will
replace snow.

Already, more than half the athletes have
withdrawn due to the circumstances, calling it
a “disgrace.” In addition, Vancouver has been
banned from ever hosting the Olympics or any
major sporting events in the future.

 

Varsity Happenings

 

The rare burger-shelled tortoise grows to
nearly 7 inches before it outgrows it's shell

 

Sticks and Stones

Similar to the African pancake tortoise,
it leaves it's shell in search for a new home

 

Bill Benson

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

solution, tips and computer
programs at www.sudoku.com

su|do|ku

© Puzzles by Pappocom

 

 

6

2 o

 

4
3

NO

 

NOTN

 

loo

oS
wom,
~

 

 

 

 

Co

 

om
o1

NO}O

 

 

 

12

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last Week’s Solution

OO aA = rlo nw o
BRN O]M 7 @lw = N
N@o-alw onion an
OW AION Ola wn =
MN Ol-= A lo wo oO

bb

O—-= MOIO N Wih ©
oN WIN © —Jf O© DM
= © NIM © RIN © w

 

8
5
1
9
3
2
7
4
6