Ney aa ist aN aT) lab accused of probate > Turns out it just has crickets in it Duncan Fingarson Columnist Rees flooded in last week regarding the Douglas College biology lab. Located on the third floor, the lab is an integral part of the biology courses offered at the college. However, many students have been recently concerned that the lab may have been abandoned. “T looked in the door, and didn't see anyone,” one student, who wished to remain anonymous, told the Other Press. “Of course, I didn’t go in or anything, but it seemed so quiet in there. I heard crickets chirping, and that means there’s nobody there, right?” Depression meals: > Grilled cheese recipe Photo illustration by Lauren Kelly Other letters, along a similar vein, deluged the Other Press mail room. The mail room, which is totally a thing that exists, was at one point completely full of these completely real letters. The door couldn't even be opened, and it took some time to find a spare room big enough to hold all the letters for sorting. Once it was determined that pretty much all of them were about the biology lab, the Other Press sent an investigative journalist to the lab in question. What our journalist found may come as a shock to those many, many anonymous letter writers: The lab is, in fact, not abandoned. There were a small handful of students, as well as lab instructors, present. The Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca , erty ¥ eee ais instructors were happy to provide comment on the source of the cricket sounds while assisting those students who had actually showed up. “We keep the crickets as food for the lizards, mostly,” one instructor said. “The biology lab is home to a variety of animals and insects. They’re in that tank over there.” The tank was promptly investigated by our valiant journalist, and was found to contain a number of large crickets. The crickets appeared to be perfectly normal, but the Other Press is not ruling anything out just yet. Later in the evening, some of the crickets began chirping during our investigation. As if on cue, a student Mercedes Deutscher Social Media Coordinator Ingredients: 2 slices of bread 1/2 block of cheese, sliced 1 tbsp of butter Stand in front of the refrigerator for two minutes before deciding that you're not hungry. Repeat consistently over the next 45 minutes. Finally summon the courage to remove cheese from the refrigerator. Leave the cheese beside the bread on the counter while you read the entire Wikipedia article on Jeffrey Dahmer, Karla Holmolka, and Attack on Titan. Remember that you left the cheese out. Put back in the refrigerator. Lay on the couch and do nothing for two hours until your stomach rumbles and reminds you that youre hungry. Repeat steps one through three. Spoon butter onto a frying pan. Turn stove onto maximum heat, then turn it down after becoming shocked by how fast the butter melted. Slice cheese in inconsistently thick slices. Align on top of a slice of bread. Top with second slice of bread. Place sandwich in frying pan. (YY Comics! Y It's cold outside (¥Y Research suggests women envy mous- taches, not penises (¥ And more! Photo by Lauren Kelly walked by, glanced into the room, and proceeded to shrug and walk away. Our journalist hurried to catch up. “What do you mean there are people in there?” asked the student, once they were confronted with our journalist’s evidence. “I heard the crickets. Crickets chirping is, like, the universal auditory signal for a place being completely empty.” Sporadic reports have continued to come in, but the Other Press is here to assure you that no, the biology lab has not been deserted. It is not forgotten; it is not abandoned. It’s just full of hungry lizards and their future dinner. Cheesus Christ! Watch a few YouTube videos on your phone of people doing things you aspired to do when you were younger and more optimistic. Check sandwich. Be disappointed when you realize that the temperature is now too low, and you have a barely grilled slice of bread and un-melted cheese. Turn up temperature by two heat settings. Check sandwich again to find perfectly grilled slice of bread and almost melted cheese. Flip the sandwich to its un-grilled side. Turn temperature to maximum heat to expedite grilling process. Push down on sandwich with spatula for good measure. Try to find your Prozac, and curse yourself for putting the bottle somewhere you cannot find it. Run back to kitchen after smelling smoke. Arrive in kitchen as your fire alarm goes off. Turn off heat and move frying pan to different element. Open all windows. Use cutting board or oven mitt to wave under the fire alarm in an attempt to stop the noise. Serve burned grilled cheese on the last clean plate in your house. Eat it in your bed because you are hungry, not because you like burned grilled cheese.