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Humour

 

Liberal Party convention ends
with renewed commitment to

“really screwing up”
Bob Rae to delegates: ‘Does anyone have a clue

about any of this shit?’

By Liam Britten, Chief
Imploding Political Party Editor

hile the past year
may have been a bit
of an identity crisis

for the Liberal Party of Canada,
the party ended their national
convention last Sunday with
a sense of newfound unity by
seemingly rediscovering their
roots as major league fuck ups.
Interim leader Bob Rae said
the party is “more screwed than
ever” and should probably stop
wasting everyone’s time and just
disband for God’s sake.
“Everyone wants to say
this party is in trouble. Well,
I say, that’s baloney,” he told
a cheering crowd in Ottawa.

“We're way more than in trouble.

We're hopeless. We don’t know
a damn thing. We’re boned. We
suck harder than a hooker, and if
anyone thinks that’s all we got, I
say, we're just getting started!”
The party faithful gave the
speech a standing ovation.
While there was plenty of
big talk and rousing speeches
at the convention, the Ottawa
meeting also saw much learning
and growing among the
delegates. A seminar on how to
squander popular disgust about
Stephen Harper’s governing of
the country was a well-attended
event, as was a presentation for

 

Young Liberals on using social
media to spout bullshit that
alienates friends and carries no
momentum forward.

The message was clear:
the party may have lost their
standing in Parliament, but
they’ve still got the confidence
to get back on the horse and get
bucked off, suffering horrible,
crippling injuries in the process.

“I’ve never been more proud
to be a Liberal,” said convention
attendee Parveen Singh. “I mean,
how many parties can say that
they’ ve been in power as long as
we have? How many can point
to a list of accomplishments
as impressive as ours? How
many have been able to
represent a centrist ideology
that the majority of Canadians
favour and lose to a right-wing
automaton with a warped sense
of priorities that frighten and
offend most Canadians? Just us.
I guess that’s what makes the
Liberal Party so special.”

 

From Suburbia

Joel MacKenzie

 

    
 

Conf IRcAcEe «.

 

 

 

“All you need is confidence!"

 

 

 

Continued on pg.25

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