issue 1// vol 46 THROWBACK humour // no. 17 Bus driver causes chaos by asking everyone to move to the back of the bus >» Open space in rear of bus confuses, scares passengers Greg Waldock Contributor Originally Published October 13, 2016 assengers aboard a 502 bus bound for Surrey Central were left stunned early yesterday morning, when their driver made an announcement over the PA system to “move to the back of the bus.” With the meaning of this statement being so unclear, the passengers could only look around and shuffle awkwardly as the statement was inexplicably repeated. The lineup of people waiting to get onto the bus at Venture Way, where the incident took place, looked on with horror as a half- empty bus somehow seemed too full to let more people on. The situation worsened when the driver, who prefers to remain anonymous, stood up and began to tell people to move further into the interior of the transit vehicle. “We had no idea what he meant,’ said Mary Boxworth, a passenger during the incident. “We were scared and confused. He kept pointing to the little steps that led to the empty back part of the bus. What was he trying to say?” The driver eventually threw his hands in the air and returned to his seat, leaving a dozen people behind at the bus stop. Unfortunately, this isn’t the first incident of such a mysterious, undecipherable message being heard on TransLink buses. “This is a growing epidemic,” said Dr. Sarah Trundle, professor of Transit Studies at Simon Fraser University. “People are being asked to ‘make room for other passengers’ and ‘walk two feet up a small set of stairs; the meaning of these messages are unclear, and passengers are starting to panic.” THROWBACK This event comes in the wake of an incident last week, when a driver cryptically told passengers of a 99 B-Line running to the University of British Columbia to “move away from the rear doors, there’s plenty of room literally anywhere else.” Thirteen students fell out of the bus when the rear doors next opened. On September 23, a high school student was rushed to the hospital when he accidentally stumbled onto the empty back part of a bus and found himself confronted with enough free space to accommodate more than a dozen other people, triggering a wave of curiosity about its purpose. “If only we could decipher what these bus drivers are trying to tell us,” said Dr. Trundle. “There’s a lot about buses we don't know. How can we fit more passengers onto a bus? Who are the ‘Elderly and Disabled Seats’ reserved for? How many seats can we occupy with a single bag? We just don’t know” TransLink representatives refused to comment when asked about the incidents but did take the opportunity to announce that the Evergreen Line is delayed until 2019. Douglas bookstore gothic >» The elusive POLI 1101 textbook Mercedes Deutscher Social Media Coordinator Originally Published September 7, 2017 Li: the first week of September. You are almost relieved to be back to school, after you spent 50 hours per week scooping ice cream for horrible first dates or kids with nothing better to do for mere nickels per hour. After that, you at least made enough money for your textbooks. You spend three hours trying to remember the password to your Douglas account, preening to know the titles of the books you must purchase. Alas, you finally gain access. You need six textbooks, selling used for $85 or new for $15,983. Your first class of the day is at 10:30 am. You arrive on campus at 10 am, hoping to quickly purchase your textbooks before class begins. Half an hour is plenty of time, you tell yourself. This is a lie. The line for the bookstore wraps around the building tenfold. The person at the end of the line holds a sign. It reads “Four hour wait to enter bookstore.” Another holds a different sing: “We're all doomed?” it reads. You shake your head in disappointment and opt to wait in the Tim Hortons lineup instead—a mere 35 minutes for your iced cappuccino. Arriving late to the first day of class, you receive a glare from the professor of POLI uo1 as you chose your seat. The professor, in his lecture about the syllabus, explains that there are reading questions at the end of every chapter. These questions are due every week. Class ends early and you glance at your schedule. Your next class isn't until 4:30 pm, thanks to last semester’s mediocre GPA and you forgetting when your registration time was. A study break, you called it. In reality, it will become the time you watch Netflix on the library computers and smoke weed near the DSU. Perhaps now would bea good time to attempt to get your textbooks. You find the back of the line for the bookstore. Thankfully, it now only wraps around the building seven times. You move up the line in groups while you stalk your ex on Instagram fora while. All too soon, your phone dies. You look behind you and are relieved that at least the line behind you is now longer than the line in front of you. You feel you have probably missed your next class by now since it seems you have been in line for 127 hours. You see a beautiful sight ahead, the doors to the bookstore! Douglas security ushers you in. A staff member at the bookstore stares at you with judgement. You are taking too long in the bookstore. The bookstore is displeased. You go to grab the textbooks you need off of the shelves. Much to your dismay, the only used textbook you can find in the store is the cheapest one on your list, only costing $10 to get new. Shock and panic overcome you as you see that there are no textbooks available for POLI no1. You will need to come back later. The lineup for the cashier seems like climbing a mountain. Not because the bookstore is onan incline, but because your five textbooks weigh as much as your 1991 Toyota Corolla. When you do reach the cashier, the counter shakes under the weight of your books. You end up emptying your bank account for the books. At least you have $105 left for the POLI 1101 textbook... when it comes in. A week passes. It is your third class in POLI no1 and your professor asks for the textbook questions at the end of class. You panic, seeing that everyone but you is in possession of the questions and textbook. Excusing yourself to “use the washroom,’ you run to the bookstore. The store has gone back to its ghost quiet status that it sits in outside of the first week of the semester. You enter with ease. By the luck of the old gods and the new, your textbook has been restocked! You grab the book and walk up the cashier, who scans your book. Success, at last... Until next semester, that is. The book costs $115.