FEATURES

will be eradicated

Kevin Welsh, OP Features Editor

For 16 years now, researchers at the
University of Calgary have been making
startling progress with the Human Genome
Project—a daunting undertaking with the
ultimate goal of identifying and mapping
the locations of approximately 20,000-
25,000 genes in human DNA. Similar stud-
ies are currently in progress all over the
world, but no team of researchers have
come close to making the substantiated
progress that the Alberta-based research
team has made.

Having already identified the genes and
chemical sequences responsible for such
ailments as breast cancer, Alzheimer’s, and
foot odour, the University of Calgary’s

' Faculty of Medicine made a startling
announcement at Wednesday’s public
unveiling of the Sun Center of Excellence

 

for Visual Genomics: the discovery of the
location and chemical sequencing of the
fabled Stupidity gene. In light of this star-
tling achievement, The Other Press sat
down with the University of Calgary’s
Dean of Stupid Genomics Dr. Hubert
Randall Puffenhuff.

“What we’ve accomplished here may
very well change the fate of humanity.

Discovering, identifying, and mapping the _
- Stupid gene has put us at least 10 years

ahead of our competitors, and afforded us
the opportunity to further tinker with the
genetic makeup of humanity. With a little
luck and a lot of hard work, we may be
able to eradicate all things stupid.”
Researchers have the Sun Centre of
Excellence for Visual Genomics to thank
for the discovery. The Centre has been

within ten years

employing innovative computational tech-
nology to allow researchers to interact with
virtual biological systems, a process dubbed
bioinformatics. Within the walls of the
Centre is the CAVE: a fully immersive,
walk-in chamber with projection walls that
allow researchers to observe genes and
DNA sequencing from a submicroscopic
vantage point. “I stumbled across the
Stupid gene while looking for some DNA
sequencing responsible for farts that smell
like hard-boiled eggs,” explained
Puffenhuff. “Really, it was just a fluke.”

Dr. Puffenhuff believes the discovery
will lead researchers to not only understand
how stupid decisions are made, but also
how to ensure that stupid decisions are
never made again.

“We’ve been doing a lot of interacting
with the Stupid gene, playing with the
sequencing and discovering some sub-
genes. You know, the Bad Driver gene, the
Socks with Sandals gene, the Fanny Pack
with Sweatpants gene, the Baseball Is Rad
gene; the Loud Talker on the Bus gene, the
The Simpsons \s Still Super Funny After 27
Seasons gene, the I'll Be Extra Cool If I
Can Drink All My Beer Before 7pm gene,
the Smoking gene; we’ve discovered them
all. Soon, we'll have concrete reasons why
people do stupid things. The CAVE has
allowed us to accelerate the exploration
process, and will also, hopefully, help us
better understand this junk and accelerate
the development time for new, patentable
drugs.”

Of course, there are those out there
who believe that what is stupid is a subjec-
tive matter; that what may seem stupid to
one person seems perfectly sane to another.
What is ridiculous to one culture is perfect-
ly reasonable and acceptable to another cul-
ture.

“Nope,” says Puffenhuff. “I kinda
thought that way too. But we found the
Stupid gene. If that gene’s responsible for
anything, said ‘thing’ must be stupid. That’s
kinda the way these things work.”

Over in the University of Calgary’s
Applied Stupidity department, another
team of researchers is already working with
the Faculty of Stupid Genomics to come
up with safe and secure medications for
stupidity.

“I guess our primary goal is to under-
stand stupid,” said Dr. Morpheous Zeus,
Dean of Applied Stupidity. “Once we
understand it, we can either control it or
medicate it into submission. It’s going take
a while though, ’cause I’m super-smart, so I

 

 

don’t know have actual first-hand experi-
ence of what stupid feels like.”

Has progress been made on under-
standing and controlling stupidity?

“Yeah, we been working at that,” said
Zeus. “We been working with chimps; try-
ing to get them to stop flinging poop at
each other. It’s not working so hot.”

What kind of medications have been
used on the chimps in their anti-poop-
flinging endeavor?

“We ain’t been using no medication
yet,’ said Zeus. “So far, we been doin’
brain surgery in the mornings. We mix laxa-
tives in with the anesthetic and deny them
painkillers, so when theys wake up, they’re
tired, grumpy, sore, and ready to fling some
poop. It ain’t been working so hot. Down
the road, though, I could see us developing
some sort of topical cream. One with
enzymes and shit that help break down the
stupid synaptic pathways.”

“It’s early yet,’ Dr. Puffenhuff reminds
us. “Stupidity is a. complex thing, I’ve seen
really smart people suddenly do anything
from text message while they drive to pick
up strange objects they find on the beach
and put them in their mouth. Last year, one
of my colleagues decided, spur of the
moment, to quit his job as a well-educated
smart person and pursue a career in two-
man luge. Stupidity can sometimes be just
baffling. We have a lot of research to do
before we can make any concrete evalua-
tions.”

Despite the time constraints, however,
Puffenhuff remains optimistic, enthusiastic,
and committed. “Understanding and
manipulating the Stupidity gene is now the
sole priority of our Human Genomics
Project. Forget curing cancer, everybody’s
trying to do that and sooner or later some-
body will succeed. Us? Well, we want to
cure stupid. Or find out how to use it as a
weapon, like a stupid bomb, or something.
That would be cool. Maybe I should
change my name to Dr. Stupid.”

So, the next time some lowly peon at
McDonald’s screws up your order, or some
guy talking on his cell phone cuts you off, |
or some jackass in front of you reaches the
top of the escalator and inexplicably
decides that is the most opportune time to |
stand still, look around, and collect their
bearings, fret not. Sooner or later, thanks to ,
Dr. “Stupid” Puffenstuff, Dr. Zeus, and the |
Sun Centre of Excellence for Visual |
Genomics, stupidity will be a thing of the _
past. |

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