give a chap Give a Crap: About Hurricane Katrina. Why? Certainly not as a selfless global humanitarian- fuck that! We need a tsunami of benefit concerts with Celine Dion like we need another Law and Order. You should care because that kind of devastation can, and will, hit Vancouver some day in the form of an earthquake that'll make Sally Struthers on top look like a joy ride. Mother Nature happens. But while Bush was letting those damn dirty apes riot (1 can’t see that man’s false compassion and not think of chimpanzees and a psy- chotically senile Charlton Heston), I was wondering if the same could happen here. Short answer: No—we’re Canadians. Peace, love, and the pot grows on trees. Long answer: Hell yes. We’ve got our own left-behinds that would (and should) take advantage of any opportunity to revel in the sweet bliss of consumer goods. They’te not animals, so why tub their noses in it before they’ve done anything worse than alleviating the pain of day to day? Give a shit and do your part by helping out a local soup kitchen or taking sandwiches with you on your next walk through the East End. Do it for Katrina and Kanye. Take a Crap: On a (preferably stolen) copy of The Secret Mulroney Tapes by Peter C. Newman. This is a two-part dump, so you may want to stop at Taco del Mar first. First, Brian Mulroney is a bum. He’s a pompous prick who married Canada into abusive NAFTA love (which has left us all with softwood), introduced the GST, and worst of all he’s given Kim Campbell five more minutes in the spotlight. Campbell was a “very vain person who blew the 1993 election because she was too busy screwing around with her Russian boyfriend.” Pierre Trudeau’s contribution to Canada “was not to build Canada but to destroy it.” Ah, but the man can focus that laser guided lens on himself too. “Nobody has achievements like this...you cannot name a Canadian prime minister who has done as many sig- nificant things as I did, because there are none.” Despite owning Guinness World Record for fattest head, it must still get cramped in there. Second, Peter C. Newman is a bum. Beyond the myriad of factual errors in the book (he goofed on the date of NAFTA’s signing by nearly two years), he’s had these tapes for 20 years and waited until Mulroney was on his deathbed before having them secretly published in the States. Don’t you hate it when you need money now and your stubborn rich grandparent just won’t die? Oh and third, if you’ve got an extra nugget to spare: Who the fuck cares about Canada in the Conservative 1980s anyways? If it’s not a Maestro Fresh Wes tell-all, I ain’t interested. Let that backbone slide, bitches. Full of Crap: Dr. Hugh Cort, Republican presidential hopeful for 2008. As the acclaimed author of Saddam’ Attacks on America: 1993; September 11, 2001; and the Anthrax Attacks that Shows that Saddam Funded and Assisted Osama bin Laden in Attacking America, Dt. Cort is a man too shrewd to trust his audience with the nuance of “short and snappy.” As a presidential candidate (www.cortforpresident2008.com), his “main purpose” is to send 100,000 more troops to Iraq to “secure and destroy the 10,000 ammo dumps Saddam set up” and left for the insurgents. Not to be labeled a one-trick pony, Dr. Cort also uses his training—as a psychia- trist—to assess and surmise that Iran’s nuclear sites should have been bombed in November or December of 2004, “We can still bomb these sites,” he consoles, “although now it will take multiple bombing strikes.” And if they don’t? “Tran will give nukes to terrorists” and Democrat- voting states “New York and Washington will be incin- erated” (author’s emphasis, not mine). And they say bi- partisanship is dead. Look for Dr. Cort to choose Sir Gary Coleman as running mate. Continued from page 8 In fact, about the only program- ming CBC can claim exclusive rights to—live hockey—it holds through a collection of blatantly anti-competitive exclusive broadcast arrangements. When those go, or when hockey itself goes (as was the case last season) the network goes into a death spiral. Its only cash cow is dead. Even the original founding argument justifying the CBC’s exis- tence—the station must be pre- served to provide an oasis of Canadian content in a sea of American programming—is no longer relevant. 'To be sure, there is an appetite for Canadian program- ming in this country, and it’s unfair to suggest that all Canadian-made television is inherently bad. Yet when you look at some of the most popular current Canadian shows like Canadian Idol and Cold Squad, they’re not even aired on the CBC. This is because networks like CTV and Global actually have to cater to audiences and advertisers to make money and perpetuate their net- work, State-run networks like CBC, by contrast, can simply churn out whatever faddish pabulum the sta- tion big-wigs are interested in that week (what else can we put Rick Mercer in?), with full knowledge that no matter how spectacularly they fail, they'll still collect their big government paychecks at the end of the day. The CBC is in many ways the Terri Schiavo of Canada—essential- ly dead and useless but kept alive to prove an abstract political point. The only difference was Ms Schiavo didn’t cost taxpayers a bil- lion dollars a year to subsidize. And eventually she died. Editorial Cartoon Wow, this guy is good!