Continued from cover Stock Market Soars! every red penny you have left after all that spending into stocks. There is no safer investment than the one made when plugging your assets into the future of a thriv- ing American firm. The way the economy ts going, a return is assured on every investment. Why, I’m so sure of this, I hereby promise to jump out a window if the economy ever takes any strong downturn. Now spend! Continued from cover Flagpole Sitter A Sure Bet For Stardom extend his favourite bar’s closing time indefinitely in 1913; Jesus Jones’ 1919 non-stop novel contest, enti- tled “Write Here, Right Now;” and Meredith Brooks’ attempt to “bitch” for 48 hours straight, which failed miserably in the summer of 1923 when a passing pedestrian punched her right in the pie hole. Danger, however, doesn’t feel that he’ll be a one hit wonder. His only fear is not failure, but vertigo. “It’s going to be darn high up there. I'll be able to see as far as the redwoods grow, and I may get dizzy, so falling’s a serious issue.” I dare say that should Mr. Danger fall, the peo- ple of Vancouver will be there to pick him up and regale him with wine, women, and song. Good luck Harvey Danger; may this be the first of many chances to catch you. Continued from cover ive NEWS J ‘Third Railroad Sold Avenue to New York Avenue, all the way to Marvin Gardens. Concern has arisen over the last of the four major railway lines, the Cleveland Shortline Railway Company, and what would happen if Monopoly were to acquire it. “If that were to happen,” said economist William McBlingbling, “and he were to own all the marbles in the sack, well, I wouldn’t even know what to call it.” While Charles Darrow was more than amenable to the sale of his BRO Railroad, industry experts believe that the Parker Brothers, Arthur and Mick, will be less willing to sell. That matter, says Monopoly, is pure piffle. “Those pinko dewdroppers aren’t on the level,” Monopoly said. “It can’t take more than a few rubes and a drop of giggle water before they'll fall into line.” Asked if he planned to mooch a hooch of moonshine and send the Parker Brothers on a toot before laying down some serious voot, Monopoly said “mind your potatoes,” before winking on the sly and saying “but now you’re on the trolley.” Some citizens have expressed fears that should the Cleveland Shortline fall, Monopoly would be given full rights to extend his railways to the Boardwalk, a move that would be a shot straight to the community chest. “We can’t chance that he’ll play that card,” said resident and local burlesque owner, Timothy “Tits” McGee. “If all the railroads were in his possession, it’d only be a matter of time before he’s erecting hotels and charging outrageous rates. And if he thinks we'll lie down in the tracks for that, he’s off his nuts.” The Federal Bureau of All Things Un-Comely will inves- tigate this latest roll of the dice and decide whether Monopoly’s turn as railway baron is over. Monopoly has retained legal counsel and applied for a stay of proceedings. If it passes, he’ll go ahead with future mergers. If it fails, he’ll go straight to jail. , Sided? toh Lt te ,* #182 and women in the army who | lives in every corner of and social good vest something to hel The Salvation Army period of a toa, by giving to this werthy cau THE SALVATION ARMY THE SALVATION ARMY sof SELEDENYING SERVICE To HUMANITY nsider the far- i Werer af ths work aga pane “DENIAL” is here— Fall in line with these soldiers of Chrie, and deny yoursel! k—the thousands of men invest whole the world for the spiritual of humanity, you too, would in- p to carry on— Donations e may he sent Comenianenes B', Maxwell, 20 Albert Sted, Tereew, ote the Local Corte Comenender af your wee Go, OES OSES SS OEHHA EOE BEDE SOHNE 44S 4s 44 4K HKEDKA KS HEAL ALAS eK 44 HKHEEA 024 6 4 Te 4 2 2 E18ERE DEEL CER