humour // no. 22 theotherpress.ca

Trudeau calls for freedom of Hans Island

> Canadian island to be freed from Danish control

Greg Waldock
Staff Writer

 

arly in the morning of March 1,

Canadian prime minister Justin
Trudeau declared a militarized liberation
movement to free Hans Island, which
has been illegally ruled with an iron fist
by the Danish government since a few
months ago. The island, a single square
kilometer rock between Greenland and
Ellesmere Island, has been the source of
conflict between the two countries since
the 1970s. The announcement came after a
Canadian naval captain in the area spotted
Danish salted liquorish scattered on the
ground the night before, and declared
it an affront to Canadian sovereignty.

There is a long history of Canadian-
Danish conflict in that area. Hostilities
over the territory began when a team
of Canadian and Danish cartographers
mapped the region in 1973 fora border
treaty. The island was claimed by both
nations, then immediately forgotten
during the actual drawing of the border.
It wasn't until 1984, more than a decade
later, that an anonymous Canadian hero
was spotted wearing a hat that declared
Hans Island to bea part of the then-
Northwest Territories. A few weeks later,
a Canadian oil company snuck onto the
island and began drilling before being

chased away by annoyed Danes. The
Danish government retaliated with what
Trudeau now calls the “first war crime
in the bitter Hans Island conflict:” On
June 7, 1984, the minister for Greenland
himself, Tom Heyem the Terrible,
personally planted a Danish flag on
the island and left behind a taunting
bottle of inferior Scandinavian brandy.
The Canadian response was swift
and aggressive. The Royal Canadian
Navy immediately sent in a crack squad
of four sailors who drank the brandy,

New film laws

> Decided by an international panel of dedicated film fans

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

he United Nations’ Film and

Television Council recently met to
decide upon a new set of laws for all films
and TV series to adhere to, with the strict
understanding that should any of these
laws be broken, those responsible can be
fined up to $1,000,000,000, or sentenced
to life in prison.

The laws in question are as follows:

1. Pets are no longer allowed

to be killed in movies under

any circumstances.

A pet's death by old age or illness,
while still tragic, is still lawful as long
as it passes through the Investigative
Board to Prevent Unnecessary
Sadness. However, pets are no longer
allowed to have their lives cut short
by natural disasters or the actions of
humans, under any circumstances.

2. If women are shamelessly
objectified in a film, men must also
be shamelessly objectified in the
same film, to the same extent.

Many men take this to mean long,
lingering shots of a fully-clothed male
character with lines and a backstory
flexing his arms. This is not what we
mean. If you are showing women without
lines in your movie in tiny bikinis giggling
and posing in the back of a shot, you
must also have an equal amount of

silent men in tiny speedos giggling and
posing at some point during the film.

(We would also like more shots
of fully-clothed female characters
with lines and backstories flexing
their arms. These do not need to be
balanced out by similar shots of men.)

3- Ifa movie is longer than three
hours, there must be a middle
portion that can be slept through
without impacting the story.

It has officially been deemed inhumane
to expect a movie-goer to sit in a dark
theater in a padded seat for over 180
minutes without allowing any time

for a quick nap. Middling portions of
unnecessary expositional dialogue or
subplot must be at least 15 minutes long—
but no longer than 30 minutes total. It
is unlawful to include these unnecessary
scenes in movies under 175 minutes, and
any movie found padding their runtime
illegally will be publicly set alight.

4. A movie is allowed one ending only.
Known as the “Return of the King”
regulation, a movie can only have one
logical ending. This is to prevent the

captured the Danish flag, and replaced it
with a Canadian one, as well as a bottle
of their finest Canadian Club. The first
injury of the conflict was to Lieutenant
Dave Mackenzie, who drank most of

the brandy and tipped his canoe twice
before reaching shore. He was awarded
the highest military honours and a litre
of cold water. The flag-planting and
alcohol-drinking would go back and
forth for the next two decades, only
ceasing in 2005, when another border
was drawn up and all involved politicians

mental trauma of thinking a movie is
over, only for it to continue past a soft
fade-to-black end-card. After-credits
scenes are lawful so long as they are not
vital to the overall story arc of the film.

5. Filmmakers who white-wash
characters of colour must explain

to a diverse audience why they

didn’t want to hire a person

of colour to play the part.

This same law applies to filmmakers who
cast cisgender actors to play transgender
characters, and able-bodied actors to play
disabled characters. After doing this, the
filmmakers must then reconsider their
casting choices, and cast appropriate
actors to play appropriate characters.

6. Romance movies are no longer

to be referred to as “chick flicks,”
and it is unlawful to shame

those who enjoy them.

This law comes with an added clause
that romance movies are categorized as
movies featuring an ultimately healthy
and supportive relationship. If a movie

 

forgot about Hans Island again. The
Danish Navy quietly planted a flag
and the small barren island has been
under their tyrannical rule ever since.
Ina statement to the Associated
Press, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau
proclaimed that he “will be the first
prime minister to finally reclaim the
island for the Canadian people, and
put an end to this conflict.” He also
stated that the Glorious Liberation
will involve as many soldiers as the
island can hold, which is about 12.

 

wishes to fall within the “romance”
genre, it must first be reviewed bya
relationship counselor, a psychologist,
and a licensed sex educator.

7. Starting in 2018, there is a ten-
year ban on using the death or
traumatic experience of awoman
to propel a man’s storyline.
Filmmakers will be allowed to have
that trope back when they learn

to use it properly, instead of as a
lazy, misogynistic plot device.

8. Oscar-nominated movies

must have a plot.

It is also recommended that the
dialogue be clear, concise, and
interesting, and not feature the senseless
ramblings of an actor chewing the
scenery while dodging allegations

of sexual assault charges off-set.

g. Every single movie made
from 2017 onwards must
include a Wilhelm scream.
It is the law.

Image via medium.com

Image via flickr