Strike One: Telus Sucks

The telecommunications company you love to hate has
found a way to piss everyone off further: Strike!

The shmoes at Telus have gone on strike, and let it be
known that that’s a blanket statement—whether you’re
the brain trust of the beast or the body of workers that
make it run, you’re standing for pure evil.

On July 21, Telus workers walked off the job in
response to the company’s plan to arbitrarily impose
major concessions under the terms of a new bargaining
agreement for all its unionized employees. No word on
whether those concessions included quicker service, less
pressure tactics, and an actual break on the second
month’s bill—like they promised—instead of a massive
gouging.

The terms were to be imposed on Friday so the
workers walked out on Thursday, proving that some
things are important enough to be done yesterday.

Since then, 13,700 membets of the
Telecommunications Workers Union (TWU) have been
picketing and protesting outside Telus offices in Alberta
and BC. Rather than wearing signs that ask you to honk
your support, they’re wearing signs that read “Please
Don’t Run Us Over.”

The disgruntled workers have turned to militant tac-
tics, sort of, by severing four fibre-optic lines in Burnaby,
Fort Langley, Pritchard, and Ladysmith. The acts of
pussycat terrorism shut down service to a few thousand
people for a couple days, disrupting businesses and cut-
ting access to 9-1-1.

Said Bruce Bell, president of the TWU: “We don’t
condone [those acts of pussycat terrorism] and hopeful-
ly the authorities will catch whoever is responsible.”

Hopefully, Bruce. And hopefully Shaw will believe
me when I say that I’m “on the fence” about leaving
Telus and offer me a big fat deal on cable internet serv-
ices.

(News Editor’ note: A\tthough a Maple Ridge man, who
has no known affiliation with the union, was recently
charged with vandalism in the Fort Langley instance, you
can just go ahead and pretend that it’s Telus’ fault any-
ways. I didn’t really mean it when I promised to bring
journalistic integrity to the news.)

August 10/2005

Brandon Ferguson, News Editor

 

Strike Two:
Truckers Keeping It Real

If you want a real juicy strike, one
that conjures up the spirit of old
Jimmy Hoffa, you’ve got to turn to
the grizzled veterans of blue-collar
walk-out war tactics: the truckers.

Months ago, the 1,000 members
of the Vancouver Container Truck
Association (VCTA) warned that
they were pissed off over high gas
prices. We barely noticed. Then they
held heated meetings, where sug-
gestions of a full-blown strike were
rejected in favour of a demonstra-
tion that choked the highways with
a massive procession of big rigs. We
covered it. Now, they’ve just plain
walked out, yelled at scabs, crippled
the Port of Vancouver, retarded the
national economy, slashed tires,
broken windows, and shot up eight
trucks. We’re aghast, yet strangely
impressed.

 

Now ¢hat’s how you strike.

Vince Ready, a federal mediator,
was in town early last week to help
settle the month-long strike that is
costing the BC economy about $75
million in transportation costs a day.

 

What he has to deal with is the
imbalance in pay versus the
immense cost of running a truck—
truckers are paid between $300 and
$400 a day, while fuel costs are
about $350 a day. That doesn’t even
leave enough for a decent handjob
on Franklin Street. Where’s the
humanity?

The dispute began June 27th

and has cost Canada nearly $1 bil-
lion in stagnant shipments which
continue to sit in the port. Though
some businesses will unfortunately
go under over this mess, it proves
where our needs lie. While 13,700
Telus workers force us to write
more letters and visit family more,
1,000 gritty workers remind us of
where the lifeblood of our econo-
my lies: on the road.

It’s the kind of life lesson you
only expect to get from The Littlest
Hobo.

 

Strike Three:
Tunneling Stoners are Out

Proving again that
Amsterdam’s for fags—wait, wait,
so are we (Go Bill C-38!)—BC bud

growers have outdone themselves

once

in the quest for world marijuana
domination by tunneling under the
border on Zero Avenue from
Langley to Blaine.

Naturally, stoners are an easily
discovered bunch. How many times
have you gone to your restaurant
job after smoking a fresh bowl,
sworn you wouldn’t say anything,
and then told the first person you
saw in the kitchen, “Dude, ’'m so
baked!”’?

Yah. Thought so.

After the first shipment of
drugs went through the 110-metre
long tunnel, US officials pounced,
nabbing three Surrey men who
were up to their ears in dope.
Presumably, that is, since you could-
nt see their ears through those
wicked-sweet mullets.

What Surrey stoners may some-
times lack in personal hygiene (and
that doesn’t apply to the dapper
dressing pals and gals of Brown

 

Town), they certainly make up for
in interior decorating. The tunnel
had lighting, ventilation, rebar
enforced supports, and a stunning
lacquered oak-panel finish. The
Glad Plug-ins were Swiss Vanilla.

Although this most hilarious pot
bust reeks of ingenuity, it has raised
the ire of America (fuck yeah?),
who has deemed it a national secu-
rity threat.

As CNN and FOX went nuts
over our porous border, one of our
own—James Bissett, former head
of the now defunct Canadian
Immigration Service—joined the
propaganda party, saying: “There’s
so much more we can do, but we
probably won’t until we have our

own incident up here.”

What, the 24 Mounties we’ve
assigned to patrol the 160 border
crossings nation-wide isn’t enough,
James? That’s like two cops for
every province. They have walkie-
talkies, uniforms, guns that shoot;
shit, they’ve even got a cool name:
the Integrated Border Enforcement
Team.

You know, I bet America would
be a whole lot better off if we kept
taking their dirty diesel fuel cocaine
off them in return for our mellow-
ing Mary Jane.

But as I was _ saying...which
was...2 Damn. Oh, right: don’t try
and do your work high, or some-
thing...

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