November 12, 2003

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The Hibernation Proclamation

Brian Huntley
OP Contributor

As I was sitting in class one day,
the subject of hibernation was
brought up, and the concept of
hibernating — was
addressed. Now I have thought
that hibernation was a good
thing for years, but to hear my
views echoed in phrases such as,
“I could totally handle hibernat-
ing” was amazing. If the process
of sleeping six months out of the
year is good enough for a bear,
it’s damn well good enough for
me! So I set out to write this,
The Hibernation Proclamation,
in an attempt to show that if the
entire world were to take part in

humans

this wondrous experience, we, as
people, could save the world.
Now, I will first define how
people should hibernate. I am
not proposing that we all go out
and seal ourselves in a cave—far
from it. I want my flush toilet,
my comfy bed, and a steady
stream of music. I also would
not say no to a large collection of
movies and books. Therefore, I
propose that the human hiber-
nation project be done as thus—
people shall seal themselves in
their homes for six months.
They can't be in there alone,
however, as the purpose of this is
not to make everyone more
but less.
Hibernation should occur in

insane,

groups of seven to ten people,
because as it recently
proven, bears do not simply
sleep all winter, but interact with
those sharing their respective
caverns. People should have the

was

same luxury, and believe you
me, after six months with the
same people—you will have
learned to live with their little
quirks.

I have personally already done
a brief impromptu experiment
in hibernation. One year, many

of my friends and I went camp-
ing in October, and as we were
in BC, it rained. There was
nothing to do, so the seven of us
were stuck in a three-man tent,
(it was...cozy) and we remained
like this for pretty much three
days straight. Granted, we slept
a lot of the time, but we also
learned much about each other
and left with a feeling of close-
ness that is difficult to describe.
Now imagine if we had contin-
ued to live like this—not for
three days, but for six months,
we would have become more
than friends, and more than
family. We would have been
hibernation buddies. Perhaps I
was lucky in getting crammed
into that 5-by-5 tent with seven
people (that’s about 2.5 square
feet per person) and not killing
each other, but I believe the con-
stant rest that we had, (sleeping
18 hours a day) helped us to
keep a level head and not do
anything. ..drastic.

Now I hear you asking your-
self, hibernation sounds fine
and/or dandy, but how is it
going to “save the world?” Well
let me ask you, have you. ever
said something you wished you
could take back because you
hadn't slept the night before?
Have you ever done a less than
stellar job on a project at work
or at school because you were
less than fully rested? What if all
you did for half the year was
relax, wouldn't your mind be in
better condition for whatever
the world were to throw at you?
I think so! Can you not see peo-
ple being more laid back and
more relaxed because they would
only be dealing with stress for six
months of the year? And imag-
ine the productivity of the sum-
mer months! After a nice, long

nap people would be ready and
roaring to go, just chomping at
the bit to do a good job.

Hibernation would also solve
world hunger. Before hiberna-
tion started, you would stalk
your fridge, preserve your food
in jars, and freeze what you
could. But if you are sleeping
18-24 hours everyday, as you
would be, your appetite would
decline dramatically (this hap-
pened during the aforemen-
tioned camping trip as none of
us felt hungry the entire time).
The food you would have been
eating during those winter
months could be sent to Third
World countries, because as the
western world is in winter, a lot
of them are in summer. So they
would not be hibernating until
Canada was out of hibernation.
World food consumption would
decrease dramatically and all
available food resources would
have to be spread around the
globe evenly.

And world health would rise
dramatically. Eating very little
for six months would be the ulti-
mate diet. Chronic obesity in
the westernized countries would
become a thing of the past. Also,
studies show that by limiting our
amount of stress, amazing health
benefits ensue. And what, may I
ask, is less stressful then sleep?
The NOTHING!
Human beings would have vir-
tually no stress, other than
which to watch first, Dazed and
Confused or The Jerk? Also, dis-

ease

answer:

transmission would be
severely limited since people
would be isolated in their hiber-
nation posses and any diseases
would die out in the harsh win-
ter climate while all of humanity
experienced the healing power of

sleep.

 

Speaking of climate, global
warming would begin to reverse
itself. As there would be no car
travel, factory work, or anything
that really contributes to the
alleged hole in the ozone layer.
With the six month hiatus on
many forms of pollution, the
earth could gradually begin to
heal itself from human impact.
It would not surprise me at all if
within a couple of years after the
implementation of hibernation,
the ozone layer problem fixed
itself completely. So hibernation
would not just improve the
quality of health of humans, but
of the natural world as well.

Hibernation would also mean
an end to war. In the battlefield,
winter would come and each
side would go into hibernation.
The six months that followed
would allow the soldiers’ time to
reflect on what they were really
fighting for, and all rational
humans would realize that the
war was pointless. Or at the very
least, after six months they
would forget what they were
fighting about.

The list of positives that hiber-
nation would provide goes on
and on, but to be fair I tried to
think of some negative factors. |
place emphasis on the word
“tried” because I failed to find
any downside to the plan.
Hibernation is good and that’s
all there is to it. WHO IS
WITH ME?! We, as the people
of this world, must unite our
voices and cry out for our right
to hibernate. I, for one, will not
let this issue go. I will fight for
my right to hibernate, I will see
a better tomorrow by sleeping
today, I will protest this with my
very soul! I will...take a short
nap.

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