humour // no. 18 theotherpress.ca

Alternate uses for the umbrella

» Your portable rain shield/weapon and you

Caroline Ho
Assistant Editor

A: you may or may not have noticed, the rainy season
is upon us once more, dousing Metro Vancouver in
its familiar damp, mopey shroud of wetness. Yes, umbrella
weather has returned—and with it the constant struggle
against the whims of unpredictability, along with the
ignominy of stepping out into the torrential downpour
with gloriously clompy galoshes and giant umbrellas only
to be stuck outside an hour later in the balmy 22-degree
sunlight surrounded by people in flip-flops.

Alas, the shameful burden of carrying one’s umbrella
on an absurdly sunny day! Fortunately, the seemingly
unnecessary umbrella need not only bea mark of naivety
in trusting the weather report (though really, you should
know better). Below you shall find a list of the best
alternate uses for your personal waterproofing device.
These tips will keep your ’brella from feeling all sad and
existentialist when not actively employed in its rain-
shielding function.

Martial weapon
Let's face it, you'll be “accidentally” whacking people with
your handheld canopy all the time anyway. Also, who
hasn't whipped out an automatic spring-loaded umbrella
and admired its similarity to a lightsaber before?

The traditional art of Um-Brella-Fu is best
practiced against a random stranger on a busy street
and accompanied with one’s best passive aggressive and
inauthentic “Sorry!” Requiring finesse, klutziness, and
a meticulously calculated lack of spatial awareness, this
art exercises all of the muscles not honed by the sports of
jaywalking and cyclist-dodging.

 

Personal space bubble enlarger

An extension of the above, just like the umbrella’s intricate
patterns and propensity for twirling are an extension of
your soul. Use the rain-repelling apparatus to gesture
vaguely at anyone who enters your umbrella-length radius.
You don’t want anyone getting too close—you might get
infected with like... cooties, or political conservatism, or
something.

Ifyou want to up your ’brella game, wait for a day
when it’s been previously raining, and your portable
precipitation shield is sufficiently saturated, then board
a bus (the more crowded the better) and plop the
soaking wet umbrella on the seat beside you. This will

inconvenience not only your current fellow transit-riders
but also any poor saps in the future who unwittingly
position their bottoms onto the drenched seat. Maximal
assholery for minimal effort—that’s how to really have an
impact on the world, fools.

SkyTrain door holder-opener

Dashing up the escalator when the familiar three-note
chime begins to signal your doom? Simply lunge forward
and pop the tip of your umbrella between the doors as they
slide shut. The doors will spring back open obediently and
you can saunter onto the train in triumph, trying to let
your suaveness disguise how embarrassingly out of breath
you are after sprinting up half the escalator.

Face-hider
Hold open directly in front of your face with the pole
perpendicular to your body, arms bent at the elbow to
provide optimal face concealment. Grip tightly, as tightly
as you hold onto your futile dreams of home ownership.
(Bonus, this also means your weapon will be at the ideal
height to whack people with.)

’Brellas are conveniently engineered to be the
perfect size and shape to obscure your sleep-deprived
face, despondent expression, and entire field of vision.
Great for hiding all of those tears you shed whenever you
contemplate the lack of housing affordability... wait, those
tears are actually rain? Okay, you should probably put your
umbrella back up now.

This just in: Horses are no longer funny

> ‘Horses? Nay, say experts

Klara Woldenga
Entertainment Editor

or thousands of years, horses have

been extremely popular—first as
methods of transportation, then as memes.
Unfortunately, according to experts, their
time in the limelight is nearing an end. In
a recent scientific paper titled Horses Hay
Hay, Soon No Way, horse scientists discuss
recent evidence suggesting that these
awkward, hoof-y creatures may become a
blasé topic as early as 2019.

“It’s been a long time coming,” head
horse scientist, Dave Franklin, told the
Other Press. “Emissions are hitting an all-
time high and self-driving cars are a thing.
Personal vehicles are next in line to become
ironic, and when that happens it'll push

 

those weird hooved grass-eaters out of the
‘in scene’ Goddamn horses.”

According to the paper, it’s not just
emissions and travel that show the decline
of horses. Their research demonstrates that
television and popular culture have given
us a fair amount of warning to the decline
of horse popularity.

“T mean, look at the television
show Bojack Horseman,” Franklin said.
“Horses aren't funny anymore. They're just
alcoholics.”

The recently published paper has had
mixed reactions: Some demand we save
horse humour, others are glad it’s over, and
still others think those animals taste good
either way.

“I don't know, I’m just glad horses
are no longer going to bea joke,” said Joan

¢ Horses are

the worst.”

—Dave Franklin,
head horse scientist

 

Fassen, long-time horse owner. “I'll be glad
when mine stops being such a celebrity and
finally has more time for his kids—their
hooves are so small.”

With the death of horse humour close
at hand, scientists are suggesting citizens
prepare ahead of time so as not to develop
Horse Withdrawal Syndrome, an illness
caused by a sudden lack of horse humour
and memes which leaves the human body

DAD? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

weak and frail, like a big old horse.

“We advise citizens to start early,”
Franklin told the Other Press. “Don’t share
the horse ebook meme, don’t go on ironic
hay rides; it’s for your own safely. Horses
are the worst, so it shouldn't be that hard.”

When Franklin was asked why he
spent all his life studying horses if he hated
them he simply answered: “Know thine
enemy.”

When the Other Press asked several
horses how they felt about the report they
just responded by licking our reporters,
suggesting that horses, like most of us, just
want salt.

Comic by Rella