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By Eric Wilkins, Food Snob

While other so-called “writers” mn this
newspaper may attempt to sway your
discerning tastes with their “reviews”
and “recommendations,” only Food
Far From Fschool has the gumption to
be your gastronomic guide to gluttony.

ast week, in an act of
desperation for my growling

stomach, I decided to doa
perusal of the bowels of the New
Westminster SkyTrain station. With
all the construction going on, I
was confident that there must be
some fresh eatery for me to sink
my teeth into. Lo and behold, not
10 yards from me upon descending
the stairs, I discovered a small
restaurant: Allen & Wright.

As I wandered through the
door, I was slightly surprised to
see that there was no waitress to
show me to a table. Shrugging off
the disappointment at this lack

OD

 

FSCHOOL

Allen & Wright lacks the certain je ne sais quoi we
expect from fine dining

is very good.” I was slightly taken
aback, and perhaps a bit offended,
that she was recommending me
food based purely on my age; I
nonetheless took her advice and
ordered the item offered to me.
For the drink, I went with another
recommendation: root beer.

As was to be expected at this
point, I was obliged to rise from
my table and get my own food
when the order was ready. Once
Thad returned to my position
of mastication, I cast a dubious
glance over my mug of root beer.
It was frosted. Chilled. Cold.
Despite reasoning that this was
the only way they could keep
their beverages at a drinkable
temperature (perhaps a problem
with their refrigeration unit), I was
peeved that I was not informed
beforehand that such a crude
method would be used.

My hamburger was nothing
to write home about. Although it

“Coming to no concrete decision, | asked what she recommended. ‘The Teen
Burger is very good. | was slightly taken aback, and perhaps a bit offended,
that she was recommending me food based purely on my age...”

of formality, | made my way to
a comfortable spot and waited
patiently for my server.

A minute passed. Five minutes
passed, then 10 minutes passed.
While I am quite comfortable with
establishments taking their time
to produce quality food, I felt that
it was extremely poor form to
have not even taken my order yet.
Resisting the urge to march out the
door ina great huff, I maneuvered
my way through the maze of
tables and chairs to the front of
the kitchen. I was greeted at that
point by a waitress behind a cash
register (of all the places to put it!)
with a cheery smile pasted upon
her face who promptly asked what
I would like to order. Ignoring the
cheek of this impudent employee, I
glanced over the brightly lit menu
just behind her. Coming to no
concrete decision, I asked what she
recommended. “The Teen Burger

was loaded with lettuce, tomato,
bacon, processed cheese, ketchup,
mustard, pickles, and diced onion,
there was an overwhelming sense
of swallowing a veritable waterfall
of grease with each mouthful.

To add insult to injury, the
presentation was woeful. Forgoing
even a plain white plate, my food
was served in a simple paper
pouch of sorts.

While I attempted to finish off
my meal, my attention was drawn
to the room’s décor. I was nearly
blinded. A garish orange seemed
to be the focal point, and a horribly
unattractive tile design reminiscent
of a mall washroom adorned the
floor. Positives seemed hard to
come by.

Tossing down my trash on the
tray, I stormed out of the restaurant
without a look back. They were not
going to weasel a tip of out me after
that “service.”

 

 

Capricorn

(12/22-1/19)

Today, you'll come home to find
aliens in your house. They want
your credit card number for
science. Whatever you do, don’t
give it to them.

Aquarius

(1/20-2/18)

An older person will have fallen
and can’t get themselves up while
you’re on the SkyTrain today. Just
put your earbuds in and ignore
them, they’re only filming a
commercial

Pisces

(2/19-3/20)

Oh no! The planets were supposed
to send me your horoscope, but
they have writer’s block! Yes,
planets can get writer’s block too.

Aries

(3/21-4/19)

Whatever you do, don’t stay home!
A train is going to crash through
your house at any time today.

Taurus

(4/20-5/20)

I’m sorry to have to tell you this,
but you won't be reincarnated as
a butterfly. Instead, you will be
reborn as a mole. Look at it this
way, you'll have perfect night
vision!

Gemini

(5/21-6/21)

You there! Start a fundraising
campaign for me to get a
customized Lamborghini! After
all, I need that car... so that I can
deliver my mystical predictions to
you! Yeah, that’s it...

Cancer

(6/22-7/22)

You’re going to have a satisfying
future career! The customers will
be so pleased when you offer them
fries with their meals!

Leo

(7/23-8/22)

ARE YOU STUDYING FOR AN
IMPORTANT TEST?! WELL, I
HAVE IMPORTANT, EXCITING
NEWS FOR YOU! You’re going to

fail.

Virgo

(8/23-9/22)

Tonight, you will dream about that
embarrassing phase in grade 8
where you pretended to be a crow.
No wonder why anybody never
wanted to be your friend.

Libra

(9/23-10/22)

Have you been invited to a party?
Well, bad news. The planets say
that the party has been cancelled
due to terminal drunkenness. No,
I don’t what it means either, but it
sounds bad.

Scorpio

(10/23-11/21)

Exercise is good for you. In fact,
you're going to be getting some
exercise running away from the
big, bulky guy on the football team
when you accuse him of steroid
abuse.

Sagittarius

(11/22-12/22)

Today, you will utter those dreaded
words to your partner: “Not
tonight, dear, I have a headache.”

With files from Livia Turnbull.

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