Abbas Victory Will
Hopefully be Swede

 

Former prime minister of the Palestine
Authority, Mahmoud Abbas, was sworn in
as the new President on Saturday after a
landslide victory in the quasi-nation’s first
democratic election. The ceremony was set
to the backdrop of renewed violence and
murder: six Israelis were killed at a Gaza
border crossing days earlier, which, in eye-
for-an-eye style, was followed by seven
Palestinians killed by Israeli soldiers. So
things are looking up.

Abbas won the election by capturing 62
percent of the popular vote—though ter-
rorist groups protested by not voting.

In his acceptance speech, Abbas said,
“T say to the Israeli leadership and to the
Israeli people: We are two people destined
to live side by side, and to share this land
between us. Let us start implementing the
road map, and in parallel let us start dis-
cussing the permanent status issues so that
we can end, once and for all, the historic
conflict between us.”

Having learned the North American art
of lip service, these words may have fallen
on deaf ears as Israeli PM Ariel “Don’t
Call Me Shirley” Sharon has frozen con-
tacts with the new Palestinian government
due to the new attacks.

“Mamma Mia!” It’s a “Crazy World,”
and “knowing me, knowing you; there is
nothing we can do” to solve this ongoing
crisis. To quote Abba: “I’ve been angry
and sad, about things that you do. I can’t
count all the times, that I’ve told you we’re
through.” Maybe Israel should tear down
the wall and dig in the “Dancing Queen.”

January = 18/2005

| News Wears Short Shorts

Brandon Ferguson, News Editor

Landslide Terminates California

In California, deadly mudslides were trig-
gered by heavy rain in La Conchita, a
seaside community in Ventura County.
So far, ten people are confirmed dead
while hundreds of others are presumed
stupid.

La Conchita is what a resident called,
“the redheaded ugly stepchild of Ventura
County.” Located beneath a 600-foot
tidge that tumbled down in 1995 after a
similarly heavy rainfall, the residents of
the area are mostly weirdos who gambled
that another slide wouldn’t occur—gam-
bled, and lost. Many moved back right
after the last slide.

At a town-hall meeting in the wake of
the tragedy, residents blamed the govern-

ment for not warning them of God’s
plans. Said 20-year resident, Annelle
Beebe, “It seems like they never react to
our concerns.” (Like, ‘help help, the
mountain is coming down?’) Beebe
added, “Compared to Malibu, where the
very, very wealthy live, they never have
these kinds of problems.” That’s because
God favours the rich, Beebe. I thought
you knew.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger
toured the site last week, telling the locals
to come with him if they wanted to live.
He added, “T’ll be back” and reassured
the survivors that “it’s not a tumor.” Still,
some of La Conchita’s residents plan to
take legal action. Because what is Hell if
not an opportunity to sue?

 

 

   

lf Words Were Enough

A peace accord has been signed in the
Sudan that requires the Sudanese gov-
ernment to withdraw some 91,000

troops from the southern region of the
country over the next 2-? years, leaving
the territory to autonomous rebels. The
treaty is aimed at ending Africa’s longest
standing civil war—a war that has lasted
26 years and consumed over two million
lives.

The Sudan People’s Liberation Army
leader John Garang and Sudanese Vice-
President Ali Osman Mohammed ‘Taha
signed the accord January 9 in Nairobi,
Kenya. A ceasefire was also signed in
Kenya, bringing a tentative end to the
ongoing horrors in the Darfur region of
Sudan. Under the agreement, the
Liberation Army is required to remove
30 percent of their rebel troops from
Northern Sudan within four months. All

allied paramilitary groups will now be
forced to join either the southern rebels
or the northern Sudanese armies.

On hand for the signing was US
Secretary of State Colin Powell because,
well, you know...he’s a brother. See?
America cares without using its diversity
as stategery. President George Duh-bull-
you Bush welcomed the accord as a
“positive movement toward peace in the
longstanding North-South conflict.”
Powell also observed, “these new part-
nets for peace must work together
immediately to end the violence and the
atrocities that continue to occur in
Darfur.”

Then the US invaded Sudan to take
their dirt.

 

 

Well, duh

Not that we’re shocked or anything, but
guess what? Give up? “The weapons that
we all believed were there, based on the
intelligence, were not there.” So said
White House spokesperson Scott
McClellan last week, to the utter yawn of
a nation. Seems like neither the lies nor
the truth have any affect on Americans
any more. Apparently you can only elicit
a reaction when you add “‘izzle” to what
you're saying.

After two years of “edge-of-your-
seat” anticipation, the Iraq weapons of
mass destruction whodunit finally ended
with Fight Club like disappointment—it
was all a figment of our imaginations.

 

There was no formal announcement,
no speech of concession, and, according
to McClellan, no resolve to do anything
more than “go back and look at what was
wrong with much of the intelligence that
we had accumulated.” Huh? Are you
fucking serious? With an inauguration
about to commence, and a Barbara
Walters special about to air, an entire
nation literally went “meh.”

Best of all was how Bush hung his
only ally out to dry. With an election in
England set for the spring, Tony Blair
now has this admission’s egg all over his
face. The Bush regime waited until post-
election to announce what everyone
knew to be so, but didn’t have the cour-
tesy to do the same for Blair, who faces

 

an uphill battle for reelection due solely
to his closeness with Bush.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m
no longer angry about Bush lying—I’m
fucking pissed at how he’s lying, Way to
screw up the one thing you’ve been good
at.

DUHEPPPeSS | 7