May 2004

Ray Floret’s Foray: Golf

Geoff Lewis
OP Contributor

like stick-and-ball games, like
hay stupid male. Leaving the
ball out entirely and just using the
stick has a certain panache, but
tends to get you arrested and/or
hospitalized. Golf, as it turns out, is
unique among _ stick-and-ball
games for having holes, whatever

that means. Historically gi

   

~ round of golf is your Fide of getting
~ back to nature, you should know
that there are few things more
unnatural than a golf course.
Manufactured and mined fertiliz-
ers, turf fungicides, broad-leaved
weed killers, artificial ponds, and
constant shaving with lawn trac-
tors. Nature scraped away and
replaced with something else. This
is not really natural, trust me.
Pitch-and-putr is quiet fun, espe-
le foolishly and
UiiGsle wcheiene beverages. Play —
with celebs! Play to schmooze!
Also, dispensing nitrogen-rich
urine is a good idea in an arbore-

 

tum. On behalf of near-

by trees and shrubs:
Thanks! Driving ranges are fun in
a more angry way, like going to the
firing range with your sidearm to
shoot at silhouettes, archery, fish-
ing, driving or other ballistic sports
where the victim is incidental.

 

  
  
 
 
 
 
 
 
  

and voters turn away. Yet food
will have to become very expensive
before it’s worth growing vegetables
in a sand trap.
So you tell your tall teen, “You're
now on your own, son/daughter,
and must bear this yolk of respon-

sibility.” The kids will see further

Leave us to speak on victimless) ahead, won't they? They're the

sports for another day. Helplessly I , -
& ght? MuchMusic and the Internet

must add that croquet has p
balls, mallets, and multiple ho
which have to be entered before

he last par

soil or climate for food production.
Betting on global warming?

alifornia will feed us? Talk about
insanity, there. Got kids? Are
they gonna have kids? How about
their kids, and their kids and the
kids they have? Might they have
kids? Might all these kids appreci-
ate your foresight? Or will they all

be cowed by your prodigious and —

immortal handicap? “Our great-
great granpappy, bless his soul.
What a golfer.” Where will their
food come from? Safeway? Like
golfers care. They just want to

make this putt. However, there is

no evidence that anyone thinks
very far ahead. Economics and gov-
ernments dictate most of our lives,
and economics and governments
never look more than five years
into the future, or the shareholders

    
  
  

that is Ermable. The rest on poor

place to hang out. We cai
our individual successes, or the col-
lective success of our local society. _

ture. They're better in some way,

e given them the long view

older people, right? It

docwieath

triple-bogeyed my darling wife yes-
terday,” the golfer exclaims luxuri-
ously. His golf partner, weeps, “I
shot an Eagle.” Why do Americans

  
   
  
 

_ like shooting Eagles? Isn’t that their

national bird? Ironically, such a
low-stroke philosophy panders to
the middle-aged leisure-class that
this sport attracts.

We in the burbs seem to judge
ourselves by the quantity and qual-
ity of landfill we create (whatever
you buy that can’t or won't have a

chance to rot, add X amount of

time and it will become landfill),
yet nobody likes going to the
dump. Why not? It should be a fun

measure

 

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Opinions

   
   
 
  
  
     
  

  

  
   

 
 

  

a

 

Huse deduct X amount of time from

each item disposed. Having

watched them, I think people

unloading at garbage transfer sta-
tions look either defiant, guilty or
employed. I try to look all three at
once. Again, this should be fun.
There is, admirably, one pitch-
and-putt in the Lower Mainland
constructed on former landfill,
complete with vents for release of
the gases from the garbage beneath.
Instead of rabbits in the holes,
there are decades of other peoples’
success. What will the archaeolo-

 

 

Ay where’ my 9-iron? =

 

 

 

 

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