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Disney rolls out first gay character:
‘Doormat Lackey McFool’

> Homophobes and homosexuals enraged for entirely different reasons

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

isney made headlines this past

week for confirming that their
first canonically gay character will
appear in the upcoming Beauty and
the Beast remake. Gaston's sidekick
from the original animation, Doormat
Lackey McFool, is to be reimagined
as a three-dimensional, sympathetic
character with respectful treatment of his
sexuality being a plot point in the film.

“We just felt like it was time to
acknowledge that, you know, gay people
exist,” said Disney spokesperson Piers
Soname. “It was pitched to us that we
should give such an important role
to a significant and well-developed
character—you know, first ‘real gay’ and
all, it’s a lot of pressure. At the end of
the day, though, we happened to find
a character that was already heavily
queer-coded, and also spends an entire
song talking about how great the villain
is. We thought “You know what would
be fresh and innovative? If we made
this guy actually gay instead of just
heavily-implied gay!’ That’s how you
get the Oscar, folks, by taking risks.”

This decision, as to be expected,
has upset a great many people,
though the reasons for the backlash
and outrage seem to vary wildly
depending on who you speak to.

“This is quite simply political

correctness gone mad,” said Other Press
strawman John White, in a statement
to absolutely no one, this past weekend.
“When I see a wholesome family movie
like Beauty and the Beast, I expect it to
reflect my own personal family values!
This is the heartwarming story of a sweet,
feminine, beautiful girl abducted by
an unholy human buffalo-bear hybrid,
where Stockholm Syndrome eventually
overtakes her will power and results in
an eternal love between her and her
furry captor. It shows how love conquers
all, and how we can overlook the uglier
sides of a relationship because if we
do that long enough our partners will
eventually turn into conventionally
attractive people! It’s an important
message for young children, and one that
I wholeheartedly approve of. If they were
to expand on anything, I would rather
they show the gruesome lynching of Belle
and the Beast a few decades later when
the French Revolution occurs, and all
the spurned villagers from Belle’s past
storming the castle to overthrow the
bourgeoisie. That would be a far more
valuable reflection of real-world politics
than shoe-horning in a homosexual?’

Conversely, Petera Careb—a
different kind of strawman who also
works on behalf of the Other Press—
had this to say on the matter:

“Well, I can appreciate what Disney
is doing; they're sort of on the right track?
I mean, good for them, finally realizing

Gym Gothic

> Getting fit without giving a shit

Aaron Guillen
Staff Reporter

 

hy would you willingly participate
in a sweaty torture chamber day in

and day out for a slightly thinner version
of yourself? Considering the lack of fucks
that you give, you somehow convince
yourself that a workout is worth it, but
your superego angrily whispers the
sweet truth to you every single time:

“You need some cheesecake
in your mouth right now.”

“This treadmill has
no power over you.”

“Why do these ripped men come
to the gym at all? Why would one wish
to live within this miserable reality?”

These poetic and wise words
fill your thoughts as you desperately
hold onto a plank position (one that
you've been holding for an entire
eight seconds—the horror).

But let us not get carried away,
like those idiotic beginner gym goers

who trip and fall on the treadmills
(one of the few instances that brings
a smile to your face in this dreary
world). You begin the journey
through your gym workout regimen
(or whatever mumbo jumbo jargon
those personal trainers like to use).

Your conscious state returns to you
the moment you enter the recreation
center. Where are you? Why are all these
old women playing badminton? As you
enter the change room, a sea of naked
elderly men floods out of the sauna and
shower areas, wiggling their junk for
all to see. This is not what I signed up
for, you think to yourself despairingly.
You keep your head down as you drift
towards the lockers, avoidant of any
interaction with these strangers and their
strange sustenance, what the natives call
“gorp’ (“good ol’ raisins and peanuts’—
you shudder at the very thought). You
quickly dress yourself in your customary
old sweat-absorbing shirt and grey shorts
because you despise change, making
your presence at the gym somewhat

 

that 10 per cent of the population and at
least 40 per cent of your average Disney
audience is made up of LGBTQ+ people.
Though, it’s kind of upsetting to see what
they think of us, based off of this choice.
You know, your first-ever gay character is a
helpless, buffoonish patsy who’s obsessed
with a straight villain who happens to be
the embodiment of toxic masculinity. It
sends a sort of disheartening message.
Disney villains have been queer-coded
for years: Look at Scar, Ursula, Hades,
even Jafar. Each of these characters

have exhibited gender-nonconforming,
non-heteronormative traits. Simply
confirming that youre setting queer
people up to be villains isn't exactly
progressive. I don't know if I should be

ironic. Sooner than later, you are out of
the saggy world that is the locker room
and head over to the gym proper.

You refill your water bottle at the
fountain that many gym-goers have
dripped sweat onto, to your disdain.

You begin with a HIIT interval warmup,
ignoring your aching conscience. In
truth, you are a person that cuts corners.
You love to cheat the system and burn
the most calories. (Honestly, you don’t
even know if it works. You're gullible and
are easily fooled.) After several minutes
of jumping jacks, knee highs, and planks,
the sweat print on the floor has become
a permanent feature of the gym.

With your blood pumping and
muscles aching, you hop onto the
exercise bike in the corner of the
gym. As you look out over the outside
world, you see trees of green, red
roses too, you see them bloom for
just you, and you think to yourself:
What a waste of time this all is.

You return to a not-so blissful
reality, as you pedal away, not moving,

Photo via Disney

‘grateful for the representation’ when
the representation is rampantly shitty.”
There are strong opinions on
both sides of the issue to be certain,

but if one thing is for sure, it’s
that straight moderate liberals are
ecstatic about the announcement.

“I’ve already written, like, three
slash fics about Gaston and McFool,”
said Brenda O’Tumbooler, an entirely
different sort of strawman from the
first two mentioned in this article. “I
just can’t even! I want McFool to be my
#GBF. That’s ‘Gay Best Friend, by the
way. Oh, don’t worry, I can say that. I
have like, so many friends who are gay,
and I recently had to come out as an ally,
so I practically know what it’s like.”

but frequently shaking the bike due
to your aggressive movements and
heavy weight. After 30 minutes of
mind-numbingly similar EDM songs,
you head over to the final part of

the workout—the arm machines.

Since the dawn of time, you have had
no clue what exactly certain machines
do to certain muscles, but because an
extremely fit man has just finished using
it, you convince yourself that you too can
sculpt your body like him if you finish
enough useless reps on this one specific
machine. After completion, you head
back over to that bacteria-infected water
fountain and take out your headphones,
now blaring the soul-soothing acapella
tunes of three-time Grammy-winners
Pentatonix. You take a quick glance
back at the gym before you exit, once
again turned off by the amount of
grunting and hyperventilating that is
taking place behind you. You will find
yourself in this confusing chamber of
despair and broken dreams again... but
definitely not within the next month.