www.theotherpress.ca

Humour.

 

roscopes

By Madame Mystique

Capricorn

(December 22-January 19)

To spice up your sex life, try shoving a
pickle jar up your partner’s rectum. It'll
feel much better than a vibrator.

Aquarius

(January 20-February 18)

It’s always a good idea to have your
partner, who’s prone to grand-mal
seizures, go down on you.

Pisces

(February 19-March 20)

If your partner prefers you to be
circumcised, do the circumcision yourself.
Ladies will have a harder time than men,
but at least you'll make your partner

happy.

Aries

(March 21-April 19)

A chainsaw is a perfectly acceptable
substitute for a vibrator.

Taurus

(April 20-May 20)

A good place to 69 is right in front of your
Conservative grandma’s bridge group.
Also, make sure you bring your giant
black dildo for extra fun.

Gemini

(May 21-June 20)

Everyone has their own kinks, but you
should always talk about your diaper
fetish in front of your co-workers. They’ll

really appreciate the story about the time
you got a rattle stuck up your ass.

Cancer

(June 21-July 22)

If your partner tells you that he or she has
herpes, the best solution is to pour bleach
on your privates.

Leo

(July 23-August 22)

If you’re drunk, horny, and manage to
somehow get into a zoo, the first thing
you should do is try to hump a lion.

Virgo

(August 23-September 22)

When you decide to masturbate to porn
but are tired of seeing the same sites over
and over again, try lemonparty.org. They
do things the old-fashioned way!

Libra

(September 23-October 22)

Try having anal sex with your partner’s
head in an oven to really heat things up.

Scorpio

(October 23-November 21)

Is anal sex starting to get too boring? Try
sticking things up your or your partner’s
urethra.

Sagittarius

(November 22-December 21)

Remember, when engaging in hard core
BDSM, safe words are always optional.

With files from Livia Turnbull

You(i}Comedy Classics

Stick ‘em Up!

 

By Joel McCarthy, Graphics Manager

http:/ / www.youtube.com/ watch?v=ztdlg5tMOfy

Check out the link above to watch a hilarious review of different toy guns.
What makes the video funny is one of the “Toy Guns” he reviews is a totally
different kind of gun—meant for a different type of banging than the reviewer

had intended.

Cmte

An erotic fiction,
sponsored by Quiznos

By Elliot Chan,
Passionate Lover and Sellout

hen he suggested that you both

meet at the local Quiznos for dinner,

you were surprised. After all, it’s one

of the finest establishments you know.
Sure, you often find yourself being frugal
and going to Subway instead, but you

get what you pay for. Mesquite, Honey
Bacon Club, Prime Rib Peppercorn: the
selection is endless, or perhaps you're just
indecisive—like your selection of men.
Negative thoughts, go away, and think
only of Quiznos today.

You arrive a bit early, a force of
habit. The cute mustached high school
student behind the counter smiles at you.
You smile back. Don’t play these games,
you tell yourself; he’s not the one you’re
waiting for.

Sitting near the glass window by the
door makes you feel like an animal in a
zoo, people walking by glance at you.
What are they thinking? Did they see
how pretty you look? Did they see how
desperate you are? What will he think of
you when he enters? Tension is building,
you want to flee, but it’s too late.

Your eyes and his connect like a

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laptop to Quiznos’ free Wi-Fi connection.
“Come here often?” he asks as he
embraces you with his strong, masculine
arms, engulfing you with the scent of Tag
body spray.

“Not often enough,” you reply with
acoy smile. “But I always enjoy myself
when I do.”

So this is how the courtship begins.
As your sandwich is being made, you
imagine the two of you lying on the flat
bread and layering lettuce, tomato, cheese,
and honey mustard all over your bodies.
You lick your lips and look up to him. His
eyes glow seductively; he might have just
been reading your mind.

“Toasted?” the lost Mario brother
employee asks.

“Always,” you answer with a wink.
In your mind, they fought for your
honourable hand using sandwich meat as
weapons.

You take your sandwich, find a
seat, and wait. He arrives moments later
with a tender smile, just like the savory
Black Angus Steak in his sandwich.
“Hungry?” he asks, unraveling his meal
with the meticulous dexterity of a certified
sandwich artist.

“Starved,” you say while peeling back
the wrapper clumsily. You take a bite,
the crust crumbles, the meaty inners tear
apart and the sauce dribbles down your
chin. You wonder as you look up at him:
can a man compare with a sandwich in
bed? You’re compelled to ask, but you'll
find out soon enough. Toasted? Always.

23