LETTITOR Read the words on my ATM slip, It said “we're all mutha’uckas And we’re ‘uckin’ with your shi’ —Flight of the Conchords, “Mutha’uckas” I’m banking on getting shafted I went to the bank today to deposit a cheque. Usually I use a branch that’s a few minutes away from my house, but I had to run a bunch of errands today, so I used a branch I’ve never been to before. I won’t say which location or what bank I use, but I will say it’s the worst thing to come out of Montreal since Celine Dion. I’ve had my problems with the bank before, but I just about flipped my lid this time. The branch I used was built into a Safeway. It was small, with only one teller and a single ATM. The teller was this 20-something guy who looked stressed beyond belief. From the looks of things, he hadn’t been out of his four-by-six foot office in weeks. He didn’t even look up from the paperwork he was madly filling out when he greeted me. “Can I help you?” he asked. I was taken aback by his awareness of my presence. Either he had really good hearing to notice me, or he had some sort of spider-sense. “Yeah, I need to deposit this cheque,” I said. “I can’t do it through the machine because it'll put a hold on it.” The holds on my cheques are another problem my bank gives me. Despite bringing the same cheque from the same place of employment for two years now, they still want to put a hold on my money. I’ve been a customer there for five years; how long is it going to take for them to trust me not to commit cheque fraud enough to just let me have my damn money? “Can I see the cheque?” he asked. He still hadn’t looked up from the paperwork. I handed him the cheque, and he examined it. “Sorry,” he said. “You’ll have to deposit it through the machine.” “T can’t do it through the machine,” I reminded him. “It'll put a hold on it. Can’t you just remove the hold?” “T’m sorry, sir, I’m not authorized to do that at this location.” “Well, where can I find a branch with the authorization?” “There’s a full service branch across the street.” “Fine, I’ll go there,” I said. I quickly grabbed my things, annoyed at the uselessness of this stressed-out banker. “They’re actually closed now,” he said. “But if you come back tomorrow I’m sure they’ll be happy to serve you.” I looked up at a clock in the tiny office. It was 4:35 p.m. A small circuit in my brain that compelled me to be polite to the useless, powerless front-line staff of gigantic corporations overloaded. “You know, between the shitty hours of this bank, and the shitty service I’m receiving right now, I’m seriously considering switching to a new bank right now,” I told him. He shrugged his shoulders, then went back to the paperwork. “Okay,” he says. I didn’t even get one iota of eye contact. I’m sure everyone’s gone through an experience like that at their bank. Banks are the most soulless, mechanical, unfeeling organizations out there. Hell, even crack dealers have more flexibility when it comes to financial matters (“Can’t pay me my money, eh? Well, why don’t you just give me your TV then?”). I think the universal pain these corporations cause to average citizens is why the U.S. government is meeting such strong backlash to their bailout plan. To me, giving free money to banks is on the same level as giving free money to cancer, or toe fungus, or, well, Celine Dion. Personally, I’d rather give that money to every painful canker sore I’ve ever had than to see those snakes at the bank see a cent. Here’s this for an experiment; get a loan from your bank, and then spend it all on foolish investments; buy stock in Pets. com, fix up a tree house so you can flip it later, or even start up a Kosher deli in Iran. Then when all your money is gone because of your idiocy, go to the bank and tell them you need an immediate bailout of free money. Tell me how far you get with that, because that’s about as far as banks should’ve gotten when they asked for a bailout. Your friend in high fidelity, Liam Britten Editor-in-Chief The Other Press EON A) ‘@| ie! Pe ie iN et z tor |Aopcies for a'! Douglas CO!NSOS SiUGe@NIS ara Ses AL 57 BLACKIE STREET NEW WESTMINSTER BC P:604.522.0011 F: 604.522.0544