RET

Sometimes Are

   

I learned two important, yet seeming-
ly unrelated, this
computers suck and always think
before you speak.

Last week, while trying to double-
check my facts about Voltron, the
Transformer made up of five robotic

lessons week:

jungle cats, a strange pop-up screen
appeared like a poltergeist before my

OG

Opinions Editor

very eyes. “Warning,” it read, “Norton
AntiVirus has detected a Trojan
Virus,” or something like that. Before
I could even panic and hit the belly-
button (my name for my computer’s
on/off button), another window
appeared informing me not to com-
mit hari-kari yet, for the virus had
been quarantined. I sighed with joy,
shut down all systems, and trusted
that I’'d gleaned enough information
about Voltron to last me a day or two.
The next time I logged on, every-

 

You are not alone

The Students’ Union’s Pride Collective
provides resources for lesbian, gay, bisexual and
transgendered students at the college. The Collective
meets Thursdays at 4:30 in room 328 in the students’
union building at the New Westminster Campus.
All lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered,
questioning and allied students are welcome.

Douglas Sane Union

Canadian Federation of Students Local 18

8 | OUNEPPPESS

 

 

thing began fine enough. I checked
my e-mail, opened no attachments,
and began to merrily surf around
looking for a picture of the Pope’s
hat. Suddenly, my cursor began to
slow down. Web pages began loading
at (gasp) dial-up speeds, and a whole
host of pop-up ads invaded my com-
puter, ending with one of those
“critical error” messages that we all
love so much. I cursed a blue streak
and hit the belly button, hard.

When I informed a techie friend
that I’d let my virus definitions lapse,

 

he looked at me like I’d just screwed
his dog. All week, I’ve spent multiple
hours listening to Symantec record-
ings, hitting the appropriate number,
and smoking countless cigarettes
while on hold. Norton AntiVirus
hereby can kiss my white ass. I took
my computer up to the computer
shop to get it “fixed.” I got it back this
morning, plugged everything in, and
the same thing started happening
again, except now I’ve got two articles
to write, a newspaper section to edit,
and a quiz to study for—all before
5pm. Not that I’m the type of writer
to leave things until the last moment,
or anything.

So I did what any other writer
would do, I called a friend to go for
breakfast and talk about old-skool
Hiphop. My call went straight through
to her voicemail, and in my state of
aggravation at the world’s numerous
injustices, I left what I thought was a
funny message. My friend is currently
dealing with the murder of her moth-
er, and I should have remembered

that before I yelled, “We’re all going to
die someday!” into her voicemail. I
realized what I’d done just as the
words left my mouth. I began to stam-
mer an apology, but quickly grasped
the impossibility of any repair. The
damage was done. I hung up and did
what any writer would do, jumped in
the shower and felt much shame.
Never underestimate the recupera-
tive powers of a good hot shower. I
formulated a plan that went some-
thing like this: grab my two favourite
new import CDs and a joint as peace

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offerings, and high-tail it down to said
friend’s place to grovel, apologize, and
sing her praises. 1 approached her
door with trepidation. Knocking light-
ly, I let myself in. She was in the
kitchen doing dishes, banging and
clanging things around like crazy. I
was about to commence with the beg-
ging for forgiveness when I noticed
something flashing from the corner of
the room. A red light on the phone,
indicating messages waiting, I belayed
the pleading and said nonchalantly,
“Did ya get my message this morn-

ing?”

“Not yet,’ she said. “What did it
say?”

“Uh... nothing really,’ I said, sup-

pressing a smirk. I picked up the
phone, dialed *98, and erased the
message before she could say another
word. “You know those e-mails you
get from time to time with ‘ten things
you can do to protect your computer’
in them?” I said, quickly recovering.
“We should really all read those.”

SEPuEMDEF ag/a0nu