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Last excited high school graduate finally hit by reality

» Optimist realizes it’s a cruel, cruel world

Cazzy Lewchuk
Staff Writer

QO: Saturday, June 28,

graduate Justin Daniels of
the secondary school class of
2014 finally realized the truth

 

two weeks after taking his last
high school exam, Daniels was
suddenly hit with the bitter

realization of what lay ahead for :
: explained what had changed his :

: optimism: “Absolutely nothing.

him in the next five years and
beyond.

 

Patrick Vaillancourt
Contributor

We at the Other Press will
stop at nothing to provide you
with quality content every
week. We get our stories from
knowledgeable sources and

on the things you need to know.
In keeping with this tradition
of quality journalism, Id like to
introduce our newest humour
columnist: the five-year-old
version of me.

he newspaper man told me

to write about what I think.
I want to ride my bike right
now, but the newspaper man
scared me into doing this. He
has a big beard and oftentimes,
a strange voice. I don’t want to

so I have to do this. I hate this
work. I hate this as much as I
hate naptime.

“At first I was really excited

: about university,’ he told the

: Other Press. “Sure, it would

: probably be tough and a bit

: pricey, but it would prepare me
: fora financially and personally
: satisfying career. I just got a job
: at Old Navy, which I figured

: would help to pay for my tuition :
: and leave me with valuable job
about the rest of his life. A mere : experience and connections. I

: also got a student loan, which I

: was told would be interest-free

: for awhile and be easy to renew.”

With tears in his eyes, he

Naptime really sucks.

: Teacher makes me do naptime
: at school, too. I saw her go

: outside during naptime to

: smoke those cigarettes that

: smell like Uncle Bill’s jacket. I
: don’t understand why teacher
: makes me do this at school

" _ ? when mommy already makes
present you with expert analysis me go to bed at 7 p.m. Sleeping
: isno fun—I dream of scary

: monsters all the time. The

: monsters are even more scary

: than the newspaper man. They
: make me pee my bed.

Even mommy doesn’t seem

to like bedtime. I don’t know

: why she does it. I can hear

: screaming from mommy and

: daddy’s bedroom almost every

: night. Daddy says mommy gets
: scared of the one-eyed monster
: that lives in their room. It’s

: the only time I hear mommy

make the newspaper man angry, : talking to God.

Naps suck. I would rather

play on the monkey bars with
: Jimmy. Jimmy’s my neighbour.

: All my friends told me they

: hated their retail jobs and were
: eating discounted cat food for

: a week after paying for their

: tuition, but I thought they were :
: just making exaggerated points
: to underline an important

: issue ina satirical way. Then I

: I thought they just wanted a
: cheque! I didn’t know they
: needed real money.”

: of a better life after university,
: Daniels seemed overcome with

: minutes. Finally containing

: He's really good at the monkey
: bars. I wish I could stay up

: forever with Jimmy. We could

: play video games and watch

: cartoons all the time.

of me not sleeping: if I didn’t
: sleep, mommy wouldn't have to
: wash the pee off my bed sheets.

daddy. He stays up really late.
: He only sleeps after he drinks
: a bottle of his wobbly pop. I

when daddy drinks it, he walks

: a lot like my younger sister. My

: younger sister is just learning to
: walk. I’m not supposed to drink
: the wobbly pop. It smells like

: the pee from my bed sheets. I

: don’t know why he drinks witha
: bottle—only babies drink from

: bottles.

: I think life would be better
: without sleeping time. No
: monsters, no problem.

: himself, he shouted, “Are

: you insane?! We're facing a

: ruined economy caused by

: overpopulation, irresponsible
baby boomer spending, and

: disregard for any educational
: reform! The environment

: is disappearing quickly,

: government intervention into
: private lives is becoming the

: norm, and superhero movies

: are getting worse and worse!

: Did you know Ben Affleck is

: playing Batman?”

: When Daniels was

: questioned about his only

: just now coming to these

: conclusions, he explained,

: “After graduating high school,
: I decided I needed to start

: reading more trusted news

: sources for college students, like
: BuzzFeed, Vice, and Real Time
: With Bill Maher. Those guys

: know what’s up! I don’t know

: why my high school teachers

: never referred to them.”

: Upon press time, Daniels

: was contemplating his choice

: of double-major at UBC—

: Education and Political

: Science—and weeping openly
: while sipping a bottle of cheap
: rum.

actually paid my UBC deposit.

Asked about the possibility

hysterical laughter for several

A hotel housekeeper’s
honest reaction to
Lil Jon's question...

By ThinkStock ~/

se ae

Think of all the benefits

 

Or I could stay up with

call it “wobbly pop” because

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anyway, naps really suck.