November 2, 2005 The Other Herald Sun Times Colonist Gazette Yesterday’s News Today Since 1876 Stock Market Soars! No End in Sight For Triumph of Capitalism Snooty Bottomsworth, Economist for Hire With the Great War some time behind us, Americans from all walks of life are beginning to feel the financial boom, and they’re feeling it in their wal- lets. Increasing wages, falling product prices, explod- ing standards of living, and falling inflation rates have given the Americans purchasing power unseen ever in the history of capitalism. In particular the invention of credit, the ability to buy now and pay later, has result- ed in mad consumption, which has left old Europe weeping with jealousy. The greatest part about this trend? There is no end in sight! “All indications point to continuous growth,” said World Economist I.W. Reevley. “But that’s not going to bring my leg back now, Is it?” Still, the government is encouraging everyone to spend all they can. Fill up your credit cards, buy on margin, save nothing, spend everything! The bubble will never burst. And, of course, don’t forget to sink Continued on Page 5 Third Railroad Sold Possible purchase of a fourth for Monopoly Four-Finger Ferguson, OHSTCG Investigator Local tycoon, M. R. Monopoly, has purchased the Baltimore & Ohio Railway Company, adding to a portfo- lio that already includes the Reading and Pennsylvania Railroads. Critics have cast a kitten on the whole hooten- anny, claiming it threatens the tenuous new “laissez-faire” free-market system of economics with one man now own- ing three of the four major railroads. Though Monopoly wouldn’t say how much he paid, insiders have reported that the purchase was made for a cool 200 rubes. “I won't lie, see,” Monopoly told this scribe, “but I put some heavy sugar on this, see, and this sockdollager is so hot, it’s making my monocle steam up.” Originally a thimble and iron salesman, Monopoly worked his way up into boot sales before making it big in the pewter trade. “You've got to know your onions to make rubes in pewter,” he said, “and if you don’t iron out the wrinkles, you won’t have a top hat to piss in.” Monopoly took the $1500 he made on the burgeoning stock market and flipped it into the purchase of Reading Railroad and Pennsylvania Railroad. Monopoly plans to use the BkO Railroad to extend his rail lines, which currently runs from Mediterranean Continued on Page 5 Flagpole Sitter A Sure Bet For Stardom Harvey Danger ready to sit from such great heights Four-Finger Ferguson Vancouver crazy man, Harvey Danger, is set to attempt a world record for longest duration atop a flagpole. The ram- bunctious young chap plans to stay 50 feet above ground for 11 weeks, which would shatter the previous record of seven weeks, held by Natalie Imbruglia, who currently works as a lady of the night. Asked between clients how she feels about it, Imbruglia replied: “I’m torn.” What drives a man to such insane heights? “Well,” the quiet and seemingly contented 23-year-old said, “I’ve been around the world and found that only stu- pid people are breeding, the cretins cloning and feeding, and I don’t even own a radio.” Apparently miffed with world venture, the longtime Seattle resident and newly landed immigrant has felt balled up and out of sorts. With all the spare time he’s had since his dismissal from the East Vancouver Cannery, Danger needed something to do. He decided on bringing world acclaim to the municipality of Vancouver. “I’m a heeler, so a dance marathon was out of the ques- tion,” he said. “And I heard about Natalie Imbruglia’s record setting sit down in the province of South Australia. I thought, why not?” Other attempts at instant fame have come and gone with little-to-no fanfare: John Semisonic’s memorable drive to Continued on Page 5