Have an idea for a story? Let us know! Contact: Chandler Walter, Humour Editor Mhumour@theotherpress.ca This issue: (Y Festival attendees frantic to douse flames (Y More like Jason TruDON’T ( Global warming belief fluctuating And more! BC furious over stage 2 water restriction » Government offices flooded in complaints Chandler Walter Humour Editor, 4 humour@theotherpress.ca The following are samples of mailed-in complaints written by residents of British Columbia during the summer of 2015. D ear Sir or Madam, R u serious? I can’t water my lawn when | want to? I do not have the FREEDOM to water my lawn when | want to? Last time I checked, we were in CANADA, not North Korea or Japan or wherever! 1 AM OUTRAGED, JUST LOOK HOW UPPERCASE MY LETTERS ARE RIGHT NOW. I will NOT allow my lawn to turn brown, and have : To whomever it may concern: that asshole Bill across the street scoff at me. Some neighbourly disputes are just too big for the down without a fight! - Bill, from across the street. (Seriously, come arrest me. : Tl probably be hanging out on : my really nice back porch that : I never invite my neighbours to : even though they just want to be : friends with me. ) Yo, Hey Steven Harper. Listen. : I get that we need to save water, : that’s chill. We gotta drink that : stuff. Use it to make beer, I hear : ya. All Imaskin is that we help : a brutha out here. I need a few : gallons for my pool, got some : : ladies comin by if yaknomlsayin? : : Might even extend you the invite : if it’s delivered quick. Gimme a : shout back on email, Stevo. - @420bongmaster@msn.ca I write to you now from my : mansion in the West End. Iam : immensely concerned about conservation of our nations most > the recent water regulations valuable resource. So I’m going to : and the ... inclusivity of those keep watering my beautiful lawn, ¢ postricted. Surely there must have : arrest me if you have to! I wont go been a mistake somewhere in : the process, wrongly restricting : those of us of privilege along with : : the ... less fortunate of British Hey, : Columbia. I understand the : need to conserve water and am : more than willing to negotiate : appropriate alternative means : of compensation. Perhaps we : could work something out to get : my three-tiered crystal fountain : > running again: the front meadow : : looks rather drab without it : : running day and night, and our : personal golf course could use : some colour—it is getting a bit : brown around the edges. Surely something could be worked out to increase the : restrictions on the common folk : of British Columbia to let those : of class enjoy the luxuries rightly : owed to us? - Expecting a prompt : response, The Lady Loraine Yeah, there’s a bit of'a : loophole in this whole water restriction business. I’m all : for it, we need to conserve, in : this day and age more than ever. What troubles me is that, : while watering your lawn is : restricted to certain hours of : the day, running sprinklers for : the entertainment purposes of : children is allowed. And I get : it, let the kids play and all, but : the weird guy across my street : must have found out about it. : For the past few hours he’s been : fully nude, jumping through his lawn sprinklers and yelling about : CONSERVE WATER NO SWEATING Illustration by Ed Appleby : someone named Bill? I think : that’s my next door neighbour, : but I can’t be sure. Anyways, if : you could add something to the : restrictions to make that illegal, : or just send a police car, that : would be great. Whatever is : easiest for you. Please do it quick though. - Traumatized Student Fear and loathing at a typical music festival » My recap of young adult hedonism Cazzy Lewchuk Staff Writer his summer, I spent $400 of my hard-earned money to attend a music festival several hours away from where I live. It featured a wide selection of artists who I knew one or two songs from : 5:20: Another smoke break, : slightly more discreet. : 5:21-7:00: I had another couple : beers, but my memory is kind of : hazy for some unknown reason at : this point. : 7:01: MOSH PIT! : 7:05: Get in line for first-aid : treatment after intense mosh pit. : 7:59: Receive first-aid treatment. I : only cried a little bit. : 8:00: Another beer to take the : edge off! : 8:30: Take pills Billy gave me that : were definitely, probably, some : sort of prescription. : 8:45: POPULAR DJ IS DOING A : SET! : 8:47: WOOOOOOO0O00000! on the radio, all in the blazing hot sun complete with $5 cokes and $9 beers. I was assigned to recap the festival for my college newspaper and have managed to write down what little | remember. Friday, 9 a.m.: Hit the road! 1:30 p.m.: Arrived! 2:58: Arrive in campground after waiting in car lineup and going through security. 2:59: Beer time! 3:02: Beer time! 3:06: Set up camp while drinking beer. 3:30: Finish setting up. Make beer can pyramid. 3:45: Damn it, Billy, you knocked : down the pyramid! : 4:00: Wander into festival : grounds. : 4:15: Watch band I haven't heard : of perform. : : 4:20: Take detour behind the stage : : for smoke. : : 4:22: Quickly finish smoke and : run away from security. : 4:40: Rocking out. : 5:01: Beer time! 5:06: See first of many rappers. : 8:49: EY GEY A BRRR, DEEEEEEE : : DEEEE DEEEEE DEEEEEEE! : 8:53-when? (I passed out): I saw : another rapper and DJ, I think. I : don’t really remember. : Saturday, 10:00 a.m.: Awake. Eat : breakfast (Jack Daniels, coffee, : granola). : 10:07: Quick few rounds of beer : pong to liven up the morning. : 10:32: Load up on beer and other : substances to take into festival. : Hooray for 12-pack pouches! : 10:35: Security check! : 10:37: Go buy beer inside festival : to replace the 12 cans security took : away from me. : 10:52: Help confused and scared : lost child find the lost kids tent. It : turned out he was Meek Mill and : didn’t know which stage he was : performing on. : 1:00a .m.-2:30 p.m.: See bands : I’ve never heard of. Enjoy a lot of : beer to make up for it. : 2:31: Another visit to the first aid : tent for dehydration! : 3:30: Exit tent. : 3:40: Poutine time! With a side of : beer. : 3:43: Drop poutine on ground. : 3:44: Eat anyway. : 3:50: Rocking out to the band. 3:52: I don't feel well. a Oo 3 2 a a a “a G wo @ a 5 ° 2 a O a a : 3:57: Round three of the first aid : tent! 4:30: Lie down in my own tent : fora while, unable to enjoy the : festival because I ate the poutine : that fell on the ground. : 4:32: Beer time! : Sunday, 10:00 p.m.: After hours : of listening to popular bands, : rappers, and DJs from the festival : quietly echo in my tent, it’s time to : go home. I’m feeling a little better. : What a great festival! : 10:01: One more beer. : 10:07: Okay, one more. : 10:45: No memory.