Hello once again Douglas College
it is your instructor in the art of
Dementia; back once again to add to
your nightmare. Boy do we have a
great selection of nightmares to deal
with today. And strangely enough
they all deal with the things that hap-
pen at the College. First on our list of
nightmares we have registration, then
we will move on to the bookstore, and
then a quick hop to the fourth floor
and we will have finished our
nightmare tour of Douglas College.
Our second scary topic for today is of
student loans and stranger things.
The final topic for today-is the
Caramilk secret revisited.

Now we are entering the concourse
and we see a mass of students stand-
ing around on the third floor level of
the concourse, they are weeping. It is
the last day of registration and they
are all new students; that is why they
are crying. They are confused, sad,
annoyed, mildly pissed off or just
plain resigned to taking Humanities
101 with John (call me "Jack") Black.
Yes tis’ the last day of registration
and there are no courses. On this day
we see that there are only three 100
level courses left, all with John Black
and none transferable to SFU or

 

 

UBC. We see cheery academic
counsellors running back and forth
telling people that all is not lost and
their programs may well be saved.
Then they give the punch, the
course that will save their program
is only offered on Saturday night
and it is with Mr. Hazell (a man
who has a MIA list for his Calc 120
course). Well all is lost and the
counsellor lied, counsellors do that
from time to time. Once the weary
student has completed the registra-
tion odyessy, the poor student (the
norm after paying $400 for cour-
ses) must venture forth and tempt
the line-ups in front of the
bookstore. Bookstore lines can
vary significantly, from 2
kilometers long to 3 kilometers
long (Well I lied too, HA!). Once
one has entered the elusive
bookstore one must part with
another two to three hundred dol-
lars. On the major assumption that
there are enough books for your
specific course, and if not you have
to wait until they come in. Now
once you have done all this and
your courses are the correct sec-
tions you are finished and may pass
onto studentia, but if you haven’t
you must go to the registrars office,

 

directly to the registrars office, do not
pass studentia, do not collect your
diploma. Later I will speak of what
happens to the unwitting mortals who
must pass onto the registrars office but
as such I am pressed for time and
space; pass the bottle.

Now onto student loans and stranger
things. When we view the system by
which student loans are doled out we
see that they have particularly high
standards, or is it that they were par-
ticularly high when they set the stand-
ards. British Columbia has the highest
costs for post secondary education (so
sorry the governments view is "Job
Training") in Canada so they have
decided that they should dispense the
money for post secondary education
with an eye dropper. Mind you that
corporations in B.C. do very well with
all the tax breaks that they recieve, and
we have a lovely new highway to the
interior, and we hosted a worlds fair,
and we have a mobile platform to spy
on people with (you know Spy-Train).
On the whole education in B.C. is fun
if you are independently wealthy or
have rich, nice parents. Well you must
excuse me for my offensive rambling,
it is not my place to judge the govern-
ment (It’s yours). We can see that the
government in B.C. is not really inter-
ested in the plight of the Student and

 

CHOICE:-CRACK

 

ZPG

since students in B.C. are not organized
it appears that you are all screwed and I
am moving to Ontario.

Once again we will visit the topic of
Caramilk bars and Other things. Yes we
will view the causal relationship be-
tween Caramilk bars and why I am still
a member of the Other Press. Other
Press members are notorious for eating
Caramilk bars while laying out the
paper. And that is why it looks strange
because paralegal comestibles are the
only thing that are capable of restoring
the papers staff to normalacy. Thus in
turn causing them to be stoned again,
and causing the dubious quality of the
lay-out in question. So if you want to
omprove the quality of the paper ask the
provincial government to place an age
restriction on purchasing Caramilk bars
(No-one above the age of seventeen).
This will in turn cause the papers
quality to improve. Or if you are
capable of resisting Caramilk bars join
the Other Press, it is still your
Autonomous Student Newspaper.

That is all the rambling I am allowed
to do this week, and please remember
that this column is all in good fun, so
take it lightly. At the same rate if you
are an anal retentive or can’t take a joke,
don’t complain just take a laxative!

 

 

 

 

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On reading that Randolph Churchill had been admitted
to hospital for the removal of a non-malignant
tumor, Evelyn Waugh remarked “How typical, that with
all the advances in modern medicine they remove the

one thing from Randolph Churchill that isn’t malignant.”