After scaring the bejesus out of stu- dents and transit commuters with a threatened hike in fares—from $2 to $2.25 for a one-zone transfer— TransLink directors have halted plans to move forward the proposed increase. With the whole quarter saved, students may wish to celebrate with over-priced pints and treat them- selves to a ritzy Sally Ann wardrobe rather than low-end Value Village garbs. Alas, TransLink can be trusted with truth as much as I can be trusted with not stealing your lighter. “As you know, a vote at TransLink never means a decision has been made,” Burnaby Mayor Derek Corrigan told the Vancouver Sun. “So I suspect this issue will be back before us.” Corrigan should know—he was a member of the TransLink board that the provincial government overrode when they decided to go with a more affordable light-rail RAV Line exten- sion rather than the expensive underground project the Liberals pre- ferred. Chairman Doug McCallum said the lost quarter would cost TransLink $25 million a year—a whole lot of Sleemans and Sally Ann. But with property-tax increases and a new tax on parking stalls already in place to help fund a 10-year plan for transit improvements, which includes the Geuover = G/200 News Wears Short Shorts Brandon Ferguson, News Editor northeast sector extension (i.e. Coquitlam’s SkyTrain), one begins to wonder when we will have to forfeit our first-born for decent transit. Canadian Federation of Students (CFS) dude, Scott Payne, was glad to hear the announcement of preserved fares. “We are happy to hear that they have decided to not raise fares. That’s important because transit is vital to students and they can’t afford any mote increases in the cost of living.” Asked if the CFS believed TransLink’s sincerity, Payne said: “Our expectation is that if they’re going to make a public announcement then they will keep their word. That’s the point of making a public announce- ment.” Usually... for the ladies Ladies, you're beautiful. Each and every one of you funky fine felines— you make smoove B’s mouf water. Oh how I love your sexy curves, your smoove lines, your soft skin, your gor- geous eyes. To watch you walk in that stunning way that you do, oh baby, it makes me weak in the knees. When you giggle at my jokes I don’t feel funny but lucky. When you turn your head and wave your sweetly scented hair, oh baby, I want to call your name out from behind all day. I loves that. I loves that so smoove. So why do y’all hate how you look so much? You’re beautiful and you know it. A study commissioned by that renowned scientific institute, Dove Soap, has found that 99 percent of Canadian women don’t find them- selves beautiful—a travesty, in my meagte opinion. The study, “The Real Truth About Beauty: A Global Report,” surveyed over 3,000 women in 10 countries. Among the results, nearly half of the women surveyed (47 percent) felt their weight was too high, and over a quarter (26 percent) had contemplat- ed plastic surgery. Not a single Canadian gal chose the words “sexy,” “stunning,” or “gorgeous” to describe herself. For shame. On the good though, 80 percent of those surveyed strongly believed that “beautiful” can be achieved through “attitude, spirit, and other attributes that have nothing to do with physical appearance.” Another 85 percent said that every woman has something beautiful about her, and 89 percent believed that a woman can be beauti- ful at any age. The survey points to the deep need for a popular culture shift in how we portray women, but also indicates that we men should do a better job of let- ting the ladies know how much we appreciate them. “Do you love me because I’m am I _ beautiful me?”—Oscar beautiful, or because you love Hammerstein II “Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and garegle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don’t care because I “Deep who heats me, beautiful.”—Jack Handey, Thoughts” am Close Shave In personal grooming news...just kidding. A peanut-shaped asteroid came within an astrological whisker of plowing into our fair planet early last Wednesday. Toutatis, an asteroid measuring nearly five kilometers long, passed within 1.5 million kilometers of Earth, or roughly nine times the distance between the moon and us. The asteroid was named by the French astronomer who discovered it in 1989 after the characters in Asterix comics who feared the sky falling on their heads. Funny guy, real funny. Toutatis passes by Earth every four lt== years, along with the Olympics, leap years, and the opportunity for America to elect a competent official (had to get that in somehow, right?). Though not large enough to wipe out human civilization, the asteroid could certainly do some damage, according to Montreal astronomer André Grandchamps. Grandchamps, or Big Winner to his friends, said that Toutatis “might be a bit small to have caused the extinction of the dinosaurs. Normally for that we'd be looking at something 10 kilometers in size.” The five-kilo- meter rock would have caused catastrophic global damage though, kicking up dust into the atmosphere that could have led to a deep freeze. Even an asteroid measuring 100-to- 200 meters wide could wipe out a city the size of London. Toutatis is the largest member of the potentially hazardous asteroids (PHA) group, which consists of 633 asteroids larger than 100 meters that have intersecting orbits with Earth. Knowing the orbital history allows astronomers to place odds on our annihilation, and ‘Toutatis is not expected to hit us until the 26th Century—long after we’ve found a way to annihilate ourselves. However, Toutatis is the Cadillac drunk driver of the PHA group, hav- ing already suffered many collisions with other galactic geos that have sent it into a wobbly and chaotic rotation. The peanut shape suggests that the asteroid may actually be two joined together; craters as large as 600 meters across indicate that fissures are ripe for the splitting. If that were to occur, well, I don’t know what then. But I do know the peanut would be broken and then we’d have two big walnuts to worry about close shaves with. DUNEPPPeSss | 7