Capricorn

(12/22-1/19)

Restriction and discipline were
never your strong suits but ask
yourself: do you really need
5,000 boxes of Oreos today? No.
You need them tomorrow.

Aquarius

(1/20-2/18)

You have to be thankful for the
good things in your life. For
example, blind date shows have
all but disappeared, meaning
that the world will no longer

laugh at your desperate mug on
TV.

Pisces

(2/19-3/20)

You need to tone things down
when it comes to romance.
Nobody wants several dozen
flowers covered in glitter
delivered to their home hourly.

Aries

(3/21-4/19)

Your love is magnetic.
Unfortunately, you should
probably vacate the kitchen,
as your magnetism may cause
knives to fly at your partner
during a romantic dinner.

Taurus

(4/20-5/20)

You should dress more
conservatively in order to be
successful. I would recommend
emulating the fashion sense of
Stephen Harper. His wardrobe
choices have won over many
young hearts all across Canada.

Gemini

(5/21-6/21)

Your love life may be anemic
right now, but don’t worry! I
just read your tarot and the ace
of clubs says that things will
soon be on fire!

Cancer

(6/22-7/22)

It seems like it’s getting harder
to communicate with your
partner each day. Maybe if

he or she stopped avoiding

arguments by suddenly
speaking Klingon, your
problems could be solved.
Maybe.

Leo

(7/23-8/22)

This a fantastic time for

love, action, and emotions.
Unfortunately, you’re a person
who only has one line of
dialogue in this play of life and
it’s “We're all out of toner!”

Virgo

(8/23-9/22)

There’s a fine line between
being a friend and being a

-creepy stalker who hides under

your sick friend’s bed. Guess
which category you fall into, no
matter how times you tell me
lies about being loyal and true.

Libra

(9/23-10/22)

If you want to gain the love
and support of others, then
don’t control their decisions.
After all, you are most likely
not a presidential candidate.
However, if you are a
presidential candidate, then
what the hell are you doing
reading a Canadian college
newspaper?

Scorpio

(10/23-11/21)

You need to make more realistic
goals for yourself. To be honest,
even the most desperate of
movie studios isn’t going to
accept your remake of Cutthroat
Island screenplay!

Sagittarius

(11/22-12/21)

Things are finally going in
your favour. However, there’s
just one problem: that talking
seashell won’t stop yammering
on about your overdue rent. It’s
best to just throw him back into
the sea.

With files from Livia Turnbull.

Humour.

 

 

Praises for Edisons light bulb

By Livia Turnbull,
The Most Boring Person on the Planet

any of you today are reading

this while under an invention
you all take for granted: the light
bulb. Ever since the light bulb was
invented in the 1880s, people have
become more efficient at organizing
their thumbtack collections (I know
I always sort mine by colour and
sharpness).

What is it about the light
bulb that brings so much joy to
our lives? For a while, I didn’t
know the answer myself. But after
pouring myself a glass of tepid
water and blasting John Cage’s
“4’33” for an hour, I finally came
up with an answer: light bulbs are
great because they provide better
lighting than candles. Think abeut
how many potential masterpieces
have been lost to humanity’s most
cruel mistress, Fire.
Some might argue that fire

paved the way for the invention of
the light bulb. Balderdash, I say!
Fire burns people, and sometimes
those burns can be permanent. Fire
also destroys whole civilizations.
There is a reason that fire is often
associated with anger and hate,
while light bulbs are associated
with bright ideas. Light bulbs don’t
burn people—unless you’re stupid
enough to touch a hot one. I have

never burnt myself on a light bulb
in my life, for | always wear oven
mitts whenever one of my precious
light bulbs has burnt out.

Along with the fact that the
light bulb is a mostly harmless
invention, they can also be used
to check if anyone has stolen
anything of value from your home.
For example, I was lying in bed
one night, counting the stucco on
my ceiling as I normally do, when
I noticed that there were 268,258
bumps instead of the usual 268,259.
Without the invention of the light
bulb, I would have never known
that some thief wanted my stucco
for his ill-gotten gains.

Two weeks after the night
of the missing stucco incident,
my apartment put out a notice
saying that there were rats living
in our ceiling. I approached the
exterminator’s truck and asked
them if I could have one of the
dead rats. The corpse is now
framed on my wall, where a light
bulb shines its glorious light over
the display. I put the corpse on the
wall as a warning to other vermin
who might steal my stucco bumps.
However, thanks to the almighty
light bulb, I see that no other pest
has since tried to steal my stucco
again.

Thank you light bulb, for all
your bright ideas.

 

 

e2 ahs

Oliver McTavish-Wisden

 

 

    
    
   
   
    
   

 

How Would you
describe your attitude
towards musical instruments?

UUUMMM... Somewhere

between irrational and
ObseSSive hatred.

  
  

 
   

Welcome
Aboard !

 

 

Typical interview at an airline Company.

23