(¥ The Other Press sweeps awards at The Other Press awards show (¥ Brain games! Y Comics! And more! City introduces microscopic suites to solve housing crisis > Suites will be unable to be seen by the naked eye, and available in 2019 Klara Woldenga Humour Editor ancouver Mayor Gregor Robertson held a press conference Monday morning to announce Vancouver's newest innovative solution to the city’s housing problem: Microscopic suites. Only visible under a high-powered microscope, these extremely small suites will be built on the edge of Coal Harbour, one of the most sought-after areas in Vancouver. Each unit will be 500 picometres in size (a 10-billionth of a metre, in the short scale) and will have enough room to allow the residents to store three to four of their personal atoms, along with the bragging rights of renting right on the water. Jared Yoon, soon-to-be UBC student, is very excited for the housing project to be finished and has already filled out the 200-page application process, which requires a complete list of where you have ever been since birth and a ten-page, single-space essay about why Gregor Robertson is the best mayor in the world. Yoon states that he’s not deterred by the apartment’s extremely small size or long application process. “I don’t really own much, just a few of my favorite electrons,” said Yoon. “I am just really minimalist, you know? I have a voice in my head that tells me ‘Don't own anything, it’s not good for the planet.’ Actually, that’s the same voice that tells me to set things on fire, now that I stop to think about it.” Although most of the people waiting to live in the Vancouver area are thrilled to hear about this new real estate project, there are those who are fighting against the plan. Janet Harrison, 69 years old and retired, lives alone in Coal Harbour. Her six-bedroom apartment sits right across from where the micro-suites are planned to be built. Mrs. Harrison states that, although she is sympathetic about the housing crisis, she’s really not. “T can't believe they would do this,” said Harrison. “This project will decrease my property’s value by a half of a millionth of a cent. I’m sorry, but me and my bitterness won't stand for it.” A group of rich, retired Vancouver residents have started developing plans to protest in front of Vancouver City Hall but have been delayed ever since they realized ; | = that protesting | would take work, and it simply isn’t , * — as easy as ed ed donating ‘ large sums 7 of money \ to political ~ + parties. \ “We're rf really excited . about these suites,” Robertson told the press. “The city council and | are confident that this is a good step towards solving the housing crisis in Vancouver. | mean, what else are we going to do? We have literally no other options.” When asked why the city doesn’t simply implement a rent freeze or provide apartments that cost less than $1,000,000 for a studio, Robertson laughed into his martini glass so hard that he choked on an olive and had to be rushed to the Vancouver General Hospital. Cy c Lv ec o vu Uv wv “ o 2 G U > 2 c oO ‘p G . ip a = Office plant pines for better work-life balance > Ficus wishes it could make like a tree and leaf the office on occasion Klara Woldenga Humour Editor REAKING: The Vancouver law firm Rights, Amirite? has an office plant that has become dissatisfied with its work-life balance. “Tt’s just work, work, work all the time, you know?” the office plant, a ficus, told the Other Press. “On the weekends everyone gets to go home, but I’m stuck here since I don't have legs or a Segway. I’ve only been half paying attention to the law stuff that goes on around me, but I'm like 83 per cent sure I have rights.” The plant is owned by the firm’s secretary, Joan Herrin. In an exclusive interview she told the Other Press that the ficus was fine until recently. “T actually thought I would have more problems earlier since I bought the plant behind a Discount Foam store from a crazy scientist,” said Herrin. She also told the Other Press that, while she is aware of her plant needs for a work-home life balance, she isn’t sure what she should do to fix the problem. “Tt’s not like I’m going to carry the plant back and forth from my house to work,” she said. “I already did that in my 20’s—my plant party days are over, I’m getting too old for that stuff” Herrin told the Other Press that she had tried to solve the problem by buying another plant to keep the ficus company; a jade plant. Unfortunately, as the two plants began to romantically fall for each other, Herrin found that her idea was not going as planned. “As soon as | put the jade plant on my desk I saw that they two plants were slowly growing towards each other,” said Herrin. “I realized my idea hadn’t worked too well, and that I shouldn't have bought another plant from that crazy scientist.” “T loved that jade plant so much,” the ficus told the Other Press. Herrin was quick to separate the two plants, as relationships in her office are strictly forbidden. “Office romances are banned, and I wasn’t about to get HR involved, so I kept them apart as soon as I knew what was happening,” said Herrin. “I put a blanket over the jade plant—I assumed it would just go to sleep like birds do, but it died instead.” Photo by Analyn Curato the ficus told the Other Press. “You know, to really find myself and get over that jade plant, on my own terms.” “T have no idea how that ficus is going to get Europe,” said Harrin. “It has no concept of money, and it can’t move. Don't tell it I said this, but I’m planning on ‘forgetting to water it’ until it dies. I can’t handle a talking plant at my desk. I doubt anyone could” The ficus was devastated by the jade plant’s death. “T couldn't even mourn properly,” said the ficus. “Not because I didn’t have time, but because I don’t know how plants mourn their dead.” Nowadays, the ficus still sits at Herrin’s desk, but it hopes for better days ahead. “I’m planning on going to Europe,”